I am currently in that detached, dissociated, numb mode. Have been all day. Like going through the motions. With no emotion.
Emotion is too hard. I can’t handle the amount of everything weighing on me, crushing me.
I know it’s depression, full on depression.
It’s a good job I am a cocktail on drugs.
I know when I am like this, I am overwhelmed.
Overwhelmed with grief, loss, abandonment, fear, lack of hope.
Surrounded by people who all think, as long as I just ‘look on the bright side’, or ‘think positive thoughts’, it will all be okay.
Simple as that.
Which I know for some people, that is all it takes to lift themselves out of feeling low. And I’m glad for them.
PTSD and severe depression is neurological.
PTSD physically and psychologically injures the brain, alters the brain.
It isn’t cured by happy thoughts.
But, that’s what people want from me.
So, I put on a smile and let people think I am okay, when really I am dying inside.
And it’s so bad, I’m dissociated as I can’t bear it.
My husband knows. He knows when I am quiet, withdrawn, vacant, it’s not good.
But what other choice do I have when it’s too hard.
I have no choice other than death.
And that’s not a choice I can make, because I have children.
So, numbed out is the ‘better’ alternative.
The better of two evils.
I guess.

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