Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

A journey to healing from complex trauma.

The emotional merry-go-round, of anger, depression, shame, grief, back to anger.

10 Comments

Staying angry, is easier, because when the anger fades, the pain it is replaced with, feels unbearable.

From the age of 20 – 40, I successfully avoided dealing with any of my past. I suppressed, minimized, ignored and avoided all thoughts, or emotions associated with it.

When I met my husband at 30, I told him very little about my past, he knew there was abuse and child abuse and someone went to prison, and that was pretty much it.

Dealing with my past, and not just the memories, but all the pain, suffering, abandonment depression and toxic shame that goes with it, is overwhelmingly painful.

So, since last year, when my brain was unable to suppress it any longer, I have had no option but think about my past and deal with it, both the memories and the emotions connected to it.

I’ve managed to stop feeling angry at the people who caused the abuse, but I cycle around between anger and depression/grief and shame of the abuse that was caused. It goes around in a circle – I feel depression, I feel shame, I feel grief, then I feel angry, then back to depression.

I know the depression is the anger suppressed. I know the grief is so overwhelmingly painful, that I cannot cope with it, so it’s easier to feel angry.

And it just cycles around and around.

I don’t know how to get off the merry-go-round of pain, sadness, shame and grief.

I know that when I start to feel too much emotion, it either triggers more pain from the past, or I just numb out – but the numbing out is getting less.

It’s even the same with more recent hurt caused, I cycle between anger, betrayal, depression, grief and then back to anger.

It is exhausting.

I know I use the internet a lot, to try to avoid these emotions. I know I’m still trying to avoid ‘feeling’ any of it in a deeper way, because I don’t think I can cope with feeling anything worse than I already do.

PTSD avoidance is truly a big symptom.

Sucks. Really sucks.

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Author: Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

I am a survivor of complex and multiple trauma and abuse, who at the age of 40, began my healing journey. I am using my journey to recovery and healing, to help others, to help survivors feel less alone, validated, encouraged and to enable others to understand themselves more. Complex trauma, particularly from severe, prolonged childhood abuse, is profoundly life changing. Complex trauma produces complex adults. The journey to recovery is a painful, often lonely, emotional daily challenge and it is my aim to encourage others in their daily battle. With my strengthening relationship with God, my wonderful husband, my highly experienced therapy team and my friends, I am on my journey to recovery, after decades of abuse. I am truly blessed.

10 thoughts on “The emotional merry-go-round, of anger, depression, shame, grief, back to anger.

  1. I truly do understand that exhausting merry go round. It’s awful!

    • I know that merry go round only to well, at one point i attempted suicide to escape my pain. In failing i found a hidden strength, i then researched and tried every therapy i could find to help me, talking therapies only triggered me more, but emdr and art completely switched of my triggering. I’ll never forget what happened to me, but i no longer react to what they did……..I am out of the darkness and free from the curse that is PTSD, my pain is now for all the others still there

  2. Pingback: The emotional merry-go-round, of anger, depression, shame, grief, back to anger. | magnoliamegalia

  3. i don’t know how many times i been doing this. it’s just like a pattern, never stop. i did get help thn i was okay for years until my husband abused me now it’s back again, feels so helpless,anger,pain,hate, i have been trying anything to help my self but now age 31, being a mom, my life is never get better…my husband abused me and i just feel like want to disappear :( now i’m hanging here with my son, stay at the same house with the man who abused me. i was taking medication for 3 years now i’m off it.

  4. Hugs going out to you…I know how that feels. Have you tried EMDR therapy? Its scary and hard but it works. Hang in there…

  5. I talked to my counsellor about this and these emotions are grieving emotions. Grieving the past, grieving loss, grieving current situations. The good thing is, over the last few weeks, the grieving and depression has lifted. But, as I continue on in counselling, dealing with things not yet dealt with, doing EMDR, I may experience these grieving emotions again, which is okay, as I know I can recover from them

  6. Very hard to cope. I do have some medications, I am grateful for them but I think my entire life will be all of this, grief, anger, depression. So far, since about age 8 anyway and I am 70 now. It just goes on and on and I don’t want any more. Enough, but that is what I have. I wonder if there will ever be anything to look forward to. More of the same? People say God has a plan, and I wonder, well so far the plan has been so painful, I don’t think I want to know the rest of the plan unless it is of relief, and calm and peace and caring.

  7. I certainly agree

  8. Still on that merry go round. Can relate to numbing, actually everything you wrote.

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