Mindful, or mind full?

My life is ruled by my mobile phone alarm.

Alarm to get up.
Alarm to take medication in the morning.
Alarm to remind me of whatever I need to do that day.
Alarm to remind me to pick up my son from school.
Alarm to take evening medication No1.
Alarm to take evening medication No2, if needed.

Sacrificial love…

As a child, I loved my mother and my siblings. Still do.

Through therapy and research, I have learned so much about my dysfunctional family, the narc behaviours, the emotional and psychological abuse.
But, I loved them through it all.
Got badly hurt by them, but loved them and still do, just from a safe distance.

Fear & Happiness cannot occur together in the mind. And PTSD is the brain locked in perrmanent fear.

‘Fear & Happiness cannot occur together’, so in the fear based PTSD driven brain, happiness cannot occur….

Numb, numb, numb… ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

 

I am currently in that detached, dissociated, numb mode. Have been all day. Like going through the motions. With no emotion.
Emotion is too hard. I can’t handle the amount of everything weighing on me, crushing me.
I know it’s depression, full on depression.

Evidence does not create justice, or fairness.

When I was a child, I was sexually abused by one of my parent’s friends, for 3 years. He was your typical paedophile, started off with the grooming process of gaining my trust. He knew I wanted attention I was not getting at home. Paedophiles know how to home in on dysfunctional families with vulnerable children.

From Good To Bad, in 10 seconds flat. Or as long as it takes to open a letter.

Today has been one of the rollercoaster days. From okay, to bad with just one letter.

It started out okay. Woke very early from a nightmare. Did breathing and grounding to get through that. Tried to positively view the nightmare, as my brain trying to process the trauma.

Why I know I suffered so badly and for so long.

(This was a post I put on my Facebook community page, dated 27/04/13)

I used to think it was horrendous that I know the depths of pain people who are in unbearable pain can be in and the worst emotions and thoughts that can cause.

The day my disability claim was confirmed as approved. 29/04/13

Today, 29th April 2013, I received my confirmation letter stating my Disability application has been accepted.

It stated my doctor confirmed there was unlikely to be any improvement in my medical condition for the next 2 years.

Dancing, my all time passion and a coping strategy for abuse.

As a child, I needed to have several coping strategies to help me survive all the abuse and the harmful environment I was raised in.

Putting people on a pedestal. A Continual Need For Someone To Look Up To.

When you have had a childhood, where danger was present, where you did not form the correct attachments with caregivers and grew during all the formative, core development years knowing you could not rely on, or trust your parents, it impacts your life in a profound way.