When you have had a childhood, where danger was present, where you did not form the correct attachments with caregivers and grew during all the formative, core development years knowing you could not rely on, or trust your parents, it impacts your life in a profound way. Continue reading
Something I am painfully aware of and is connected to the grief I feel for my past and all the abuse, is that I need to stop looking to people to fill the void.
I won’t find people who will be my parents, or my sisters, or brothers and I need to give up on that continued search. Continue reading
When I am highly emotional, distressed, or depressed, I don’t eat well and some of this is due to anxiety, but it is also due to self harm.
Eating disorders are usually known by full blown anorexia or bulimia, but there is a continuum.
This weekend, I was highly distressed and emotional and reverted to my usual starving myself and not eating. This is what I have done most of my life, when distressed, or anything triggers abuse form the past. Continue reading
I no longer hold hate in my heart for my abusers. I really don’t.
I’ve never wished bad things on them, I’ve never wanted revenge, I’ve never wanted anything except for them to leave me alone. Continue reading
It’s a strange situation to be in, knowing that all those around me, people who are my friends, people at Church, pastors, everyone, are not in a position often to help me, because my life is so far from the normal, average life now, or in the past, of those around me. Continue reading
I have a scar on my left wrist. It is from my second suicide attempt, around the age of 18. My first suicide attempt was taking a box of pills at 14, due to all the abuse up until that point. Continue reading
One of my biggest core belief’s I hold on to tightly is not lying. I’ve had so many lies told to me, and they have caused so much harm.
I grew up with some of the best liars going – narcissistic people, who lie, deceive, manipulate and do much wrong and are ‘never’ to blame, all whilst looking so lovely to the people they need to look lovely around. People with no empathy and absolutely no self awareness of their own narcissistic behaviours. Having grown up with this – I had to learn how to survive, survive abuse, scapegoating, manipulation, lies – so many of them. Continue reading