Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

A journey to healing from complex trauma.

Faith, not so easy when you are me…

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It’s a strange situation to be in, knowing that all those around me, people who are my friends, people at Church, pastors, everyone, are not in a position often to help me, because my life is so far from the normal, average life now, or in the past, of those around me.

And this is not me feeling terminally different to everyone, it’s just a reality check of my situation.

No-one around me, except my amazing professional support, can understand me, how impacting my severe Complex PTSD is, or help me in a way that validates my life experiences.

My beautiful friends all support me fully and let me vent and I love them dearly, but when it comes to my faith in particular, none can help, because for no fault of theirs, they lack in experience, insight and understanding of the level of severe suffering and dealing with a severe psychiatric disorder daily and how that does affect my faith.

In Church, they talk often of all the usual daily life things, society and how that affects our lives. But I have so much more on top of all that.

I know in one sense this a good thing, as it focus’s my relationship purely with God, but we all need to hear the words and know how they relate to us individually, that’s what Church is for. And

I know I need to go and listen to what God wants me to hear from each sermon, but I’m tired, exhausted often and I just need it spoon fed to me like many other people need.
But, that doesn’t happen for someone going through the things I am. I have to listen to talk of shallow stuff people need guidance on, I have to listen to messages said that don’t reflect my situation like forgiveness, anger etc. Things I’ve heard that are not appropriate for someone like me, who has to forgive the unforgiveable, has anger due to severe suffering – that I am entitled to have and need to feel and have due to PTSD.

I have to try to ignore things that don’t apply to me, because the sermons are limited in the people they apply to. Which is not a criticism, people only relate to what they personally know.
I feel like just not even bothering going to Church, I feel like they would actually rather I didn’t, because they know I disagree with them, challenge them and they can’t answer my questions. I’m sure it would make their life easier to just have a Church filled with your average people, with your average life experiences. I actually feel their push to almost say I am not welcome, I rock the boat and they don’t like that. Sinful men don’t like to be challenged, especially by women, especially when I point out their own actions are sinful. I am outspoken and I see things fairly clearly and I don’t tolerate wrongs.

I see hypocrisy and where people’s actions don’t match their words. I guess you could say – I am too difficult to handle, but I am just as entitled to go to Church as anyone and I don’t go to just stand there looking like a good Christian, I listen fully, intently and want to know everything about what has been discussed and why and how God wants that to apply in my life.

I know I should go to Church because I know it is important and it is what I need to do, but I’m sick of filtering out what doesn’t apply and knowing when they are wrong in my situation and getting upset and irritated by it because some of the things I hear are damaging and hurtful to someone like me.

I once said to my therapist, that I need ‘special Church’, like ‘special school’, for people with different needs to the run of the mill/average person and she agreed. And I can’t rely on them to give me spiritual guidance all the time, because that is not their job.

I guess, I will just keep going, keep trying to hear what I need to hear, even though it is so tiring to do so and increases my anxiety.

I know this is just another example of how my life and PTSD affect my life in a truly impacting way.

And I am so tired of it.

Particularly as my faith is the most important aspect of my life.

Author: Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

I am a survivor of complex and multiple trauma and abuse, who at the age of 40, began my healing journey. I am using my journey to recovery and healing, to help others, to help survivors feel less alone, validated, encouraged and to enable others to understand themselves more. Complex trauma, particularly from severe, prolonged childhood abuse, is profoundly life changing. Complex trauma produces complex adults. The journey to recovery is a painful, often lonely, emotional daily challenge and it is my aim to encourage others in their daily battle. ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

One thought on “Faith, not so easy when you are me…

  1. I hear what you are saying…

    I am in the same situation. I love the people at my church, but they do not understand. Some do to a point, but it is only ever to a point. Many mean well offering advice, but many times the advice cuts through to your soul and feels soul destroying.

    As I listen to the sermon I am hard on myself.. I think, “Yes I do that, or don’t do that”. I end up attacking myself severely.. As I have been programmed to do. Even though I am aware of it now, I always forget that the audience is those that have lived ‘normal’ lives to some degree. The message wasn’t for someone who spent 40 years living with abuse, and trauma, and mind control and is now trapped in a state of trauma.

    The way I hear the message is not the way others hear it. The way I live in this world is not the way others do. I actually don’t understand it. I have extensive psychological damage so maybe I never will, but I just know its different. At least I understand that much.

    It is tricky, but I still go to church. I must for the sake of my children.. I didn’t grow up a Christian, so I had the first 19 years of my life suffering the things I did, with no hope at all. I suffered the next 20 odd years too, but at least I had hope that one day it will all be over and I’d spend eternity with Jesus.

    But there is some good news at my church… Slowly people are asking me, “What is wrong and can I explain to them so they might try to understand”? Why do I have to wear ear plugs? Why can I not stand up for long periods? Why do I have to sit alone sometimes? Why do I cry a lot? Why don’t I just forget the past?

    I have ended up having, what I can only describe as a few ptsd ‘episodes’ at church. Right there in front of everyone. I am ashamed and embarrassed. It adds to the shame I have lived with all my life, but I keep going. For my children. I can’t handle the music, or loud noises. Noises tend to split apart in my head and it is like being attacked from a multitude of directions at once. I can barely sit still or walk because I jump at every sound. I am triggered all the time. My heart races, my mind never shuts down.

    I feel for my children, to have a mum like me. But I can’t change it. I am trying and getting what help I can, but it will be a long journey.

    In my church, since I have been ‘noticeably unwell’, there are some that have come forward to share their hard stories too. Not nearly to the same extent as mine, but the fact they are sharing is an awesome thing.

    I am sole carer of my children and they are all suffering badly too after what happened in the marriage, so I have to keep trying and I am accepting the fact I need help.

    Perhaps it is time for our brothers and sisters to ‘see’ that some people have lived very hard lives that has left them with scars and inconsolable pain. We have lived outside the box of ‘normal’. Perhaps then, more people will come to church and find Jesus too. Jesus after all, came to bind up the broken hearted and set the captives free etc..

    I have learned though, that in any church you will only have a handful of close people that you can truly trust. And that is enough. There will always be those that are immature Christians, or those that have lived sheltered lives and are opinionated and will never understand. I have learned to accept that, and keep those trustworthy friends close.

    My faith is in Jesus alone and what he did for me on the cross. That dear friend, will and can NEVER be taken from me. Never. That is where my hope is. I have had everything else taken from me. But I know that Jesus loves me, and it doesn’t matter what somebody does to my body and mind, they cannot touch my faith in Christ.

    It is my gift.