It’s a strange situation to be in, knowing that all those around me, people who are my friends, people at Church, pastors, everyone, are not in a position often to help me, because my life is so far from the normal, average life now, or in the past, of those around me.
And this is not me feeling terminally different to everyone, it’s just a reality check of my situation.
No-one around me, except my amazing professional support, can understand me, how impacting my severe Complex PTSD is, or help me in a way that validates my life experiences.
My beautiful friends all support me fully and let me vent and I love them dearly, but when it comes to my faith in particular, none can help, because for no fault of theirs, they lack in experience, insight and understanding of the level of severe suffering and dealing with a severe psychiatric disorder daily and how that does affect my faith.
In Church, they talk often of all the usual daily life things, society and how that affects our lives. But I have so much more on top of all that.
I know in one sense this a good thing, as it focus’s my relationship purely with God, but we all need to hear the words and know how they relate to us individually, that’s what Church is for. And
I know I need to go and listen to what God wants me to hear from each sermon, but I’m tired, exhausted often and I just need it spoon fed to me like many other people need.
But, that doesn’t happen for someone going through the things I am. I have to listen to talk of shallow stuff people need guidance on, I have to listen to messages said that don’t reflect my situation like forgiveness, anger etc. Things I’ve heard that are not appropriate for someone like me, who has to forgive the unforgiveable, has anger due to severe suffering – that I am entitled to have and need to feel and have due to PTSD.
I have to try to ignore things that don’t apply to me, because the sermons are limited in the people they apply to. Which is not a criticism, people only relate to what they personally know.
I feel like just not even bothering going to Church, I feel like they would actually rather I didn’t, because they know I disagree with them, challenge them and they can’t answer my questions. I’m sure it would make their life easier to just have a Church filled with your average people, with your average life experiences. I actually feel their push to almost say I am not welcome, I rock the boat and they don’t like that. Sinful men don’t like to be challenged, especially by women, especially when I point out their own actions are sinful. I am outspoken and I see things fairly clearly and I don’t tolerate wrongs.
I see hypocrisy and where people’s actions don’t match their words. I guess you could say – I am too difficult to handle, but I am just as entitled to go to Church as anyone and I don’t go to just stand there looking like a good Christian, I listen fully, intently and want to know everything about what has been discussed and why and how God wants that to apply in my life.
I know I should go to Church because I know it is important and it is what I need to do, but I’m sick of filtering out what doesn’t apply and knowing when they are wrong in my situation and getting upset and irritated by it because some of the things I hear are damaging and hurtful to someone like me.
I once said to my therapist, that I need ‘special Church’, like ‘special school’, for people with different needs to the run of the mill/average person and she agreed. And I can’t rely on them to give me spiritual guidance all the time, because that is not their job.
I guess, I will just keep going, keep trying to hear what I need to hear, even though it is so tiring to do so and increases my anxiety.
I know this is just another example of how my life and PTSD affect my life in a truly impacting way.
And I am so tired of it.
Particularly as my faith is the most important aspect of my life.