Something I am painfully aware of and is connected to the grief I feel for my past and all the abuse, is that I need to stop looking to people to fill the void.
I won’t find people who will be my parents, or my sisters, or brothers and I need to give up on that continued search.
There’s a lot of talk within Church about ‘Church family’ and ‘brothers and sisters in Christ’, but for me, this has literally meant I wanted people to be my family. And I really trusted a few and viewed them as my family, despite having a nagging feeling I shouldn’t. And they turned out to let me down, just as my blood family did, and everyone important in my life, except my husband, who has truly stepped up and stuck by me, defended me and loves me every day, not through his ‘words’, by through his ‘actions’. And I hope and pray to be a better wife for him.
I have realised these Churchy sayings, are not ‘my’ interpretation, they are just sayings. As a lot of Church stuff is. The people I know in Church are good and kind friends, some of them, and most are just people I know, who do not care and do not have my interests at heart. And I am aware this would occur in any Church, as it is how society is. You have to ‘fit in’ and be part of ‘cliques’ and I just don’t go well with that. And that sense of not fitting in, is hurtful and something I have struggled with all my life. Being different is hard.
And I know and it’s been pointed out to me, that my honesty and realness of what I going through is too much for most people/society, who don’t have the level of empathy to understand a journey as devastatingly hard and painful as mine.
They will never fill the void of what I never had – a family.
And this has been a truly painful experience I have learned over the last few weeks.
All my life, I have looked to people to fill the void and got hurt, to varying degrees.
Putting my trust in people is massive and yet every time I get hurt, by people not doing the right thing by me, some intentionally and some not intentionally, but still by wrong actions and wrong heart issues.
The good thing that has come from all this recent pain, is seeing my husband in a new light.
Taking other sinful people with clear ‘heart issues’ down off the pedestal I had put them on and seeing my husband – there for me, loving me, supporting me – ‘unconditionally’, even though it is really hard for him being married to me, and I never deny that.
The other very important thing this process has done, is to make me realise I need Jesus all the more. If I focus on him, He can fill fill the void a little more, day by day as my relationship with Him grows.
So, from every painful experience, there is always good, always something to be learned and hope.
There is always hope.