Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

A journey to healing from complex trauma.

How I feel about my abusers and why I don’t hate them.

I no longer hold hate in my heart for my abusers. I really don’t.

I’ve never wished bad things on them, I’ve never wanted revenge, I’ve never wanted anything except for them to leave me alone.

The one abuser only went to prison, because I got talked into going to them due to the severity of the abuse. All I wanted to do was get an injunction to keep him away from me, but the solicitor said it was too serious and I had to go to the Police. Revenge and going to court was the last thing I wanted to do, I had far too much fear.

With my family members, this has been a difficult journey, because there is emotional attachment, but I have come to accept they are unable to accept my truth and to know the hurt they have caused. I accept they are unable to see wrong in themselves and are unable to accept the hurt, the neglect, the lack of support, the lack of empathy. I love my family members, despite what they have done, the hurt they have caused. I don’t need to have them in my life, but I still love them. And I pray for them. But, I’ve let go of the hope that they will change into different people.

With the abusers that severely abused me as a child and a teenager, I don’t have an emotional connection. I hate what they did. I hate the pain they caused me. I hate that they enjoyed it. But, there is a level of almost feeling pity for them, because their hearts are so black and their minds so badly messed up, they delighted in such evil and enjoyed causing such disgusting harm, to someone vulnerable. To need to exert control over me and cause such prolonged fear, and enjoy it, is beyond my understanding.

I am not at a place of forgiveness in the Christian accepted sense for these abusers. I don’t believe full forgiveness is always necessary, or insisted upon by my God, who saw every second of the pain I suffered for years. But, not holding hate in my heart, is a level of forgiveness that I know God is okay with, because I feel at peace with it. And no sinful person can tell me different, for they are not God and they cannot judge me.

I don’t believe God will not forgive us, if we are unable to forgive fully in the terms that other Christians will demand. Christians who will quote bible verses and who often lack in their own experience and understanding of suffering and so cannot understand the pain and how incredibly hard it is to forgive people who caused such suffering. Christians who don’t know how hard it is to forgive someone who’s abuse is still replaying in your head, due to PTSD.

God knows how hard it is to forgive an abuser, when the suffering of what they did is not in the past – it is in the ‘now’, in the present – haunting me, torturing me, replaying in nightmares, intrusive thoughts and flashbacks and emotional flashbacks.

It is easier to forgive abuse that is in the past, but with PTSD – it is never ‘in the past’.
So, I am okay with where I am at. I’m okay with not hating them. I’m okay with no expecting, or wanting an apology, or any remorse. I am okay with my family members not being able to accept my truth and reality of my experiences within our family members.

And this acceptance has brought a sense of letting go the anger and resentment of having so much abuse and I focus on using it to help others.

It doesn’t mean I am over it all, or healed from it all, I am far from healed, but it takes me a step closer and allows me to not have bitterness towards people. Bitterness only serves to hurt ourselves longer.

I’m okay with where I am – which is good, because there is no rewind button, to start again. I have to accept what my life is and try to heal as much as is possible, because I deserve to heal.

So, if you are wrestling with any of this stuff yourself, as a Christian, or not, don’t be hard on yourself – this stuff is very difficult. And don’t let other people tell you, you are wrong, don’t let people add more shame on to you, or make you feel a failure, no-one knows your journey – except you.

And you own your journey, no-one else.

Author: Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

I am a survivor of complex and multiple trauma and abuse, who at the age of 40, began my healing journey. I am using my journey to recovery and healing, to help others, to help survivors feel less alone, validated, encouraged and to enable others to understand themselves more. Complex trauma, particularly from severe, prolonged childhood abuse, is profoundly life changing. Complex trauma produces complex adults. The journey to recovery is a painful, often lonely, emotional daily challenge and it is my aim to encourage others in their daily battle. ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

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