Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

A journey to healing from complex trauma.

The scar on my wrist, no longer something I hate, but proof I survived.

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I have a scar on my left wrist. It is from my second suicide attempt, around the age of 18. My first suicide attempt was taking a box of pills at 14, due to all the abuse up until that point.

I don’t remember much about this second attempt. It was while I was in captivity and enduring severe abuse daily, under threat of my life, by a sadistic psychopath. Much of my memory of that time is missing.

I do vaguely remember in a dissociated state, removing the blades out of a safety razor, and taking them to my wrist. I wanted to die. I couldn’t handle the pain and severe suffering I was subjected to every day. I remember the blood and I remember the psycho coming back and finding me, at this point I don’t remember anymore. I have no idea if I went to hospital, what the psycho did, nothing.

But, I have a scar on my wrist to remind me of it.

I have always hated this scar, hated the reminder. I used to wear a watch to cover the scar, so other people wouldn’t see it. More than 20 years later, it has faded a fair bit, but it’s still there.

I decided this week, to view my scar as a reminder of how close I have come to death, many times.

The psychopath abuser told me a previous girlfriend, who had ‘wronged’ him ended up dead. And I saw in a newspaper article recently, that he had a previous criminal record where a woman had died. I don’t doubt that she could have been killed by him and it set up to look like an accident. He used to tell me all the time how he could kill me or my family and it look like an accident. It was his way of ensuring I wouldn’t leave. The fear of what could happen if I left, was worse than the fear of what I knew would happen if I stayed, He is a truly evil man. It is a good thing I do not live in the same country as him anymore.

I am so aware of how my life could have ended, either by my own actions, or by his.
So, now I want to view my scar as a reminder that I truly believe God intervened in my life and kept me alive. I want it to serve as a daily reminder to thank God for my continued living, now in a safe place, removed from all the abusers in my life.

My scar is proof my life was not meant to end. So, I am not going to be ashamed of my scar anymore.
Thank you God!

If you have scars, either from suicide attempts, or self harm, do not be ashamed of them, they are proof you have survived so much.

Author: Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

I am a survivor of complex and multiple trauma and abuse, who at the age of 40, began my healing journey. I am using my journey to recovery and healing, to help others, to help survivors feel less alone, validated, encouraged and to enable others to understand themselves more. Complex trauma, particularly from severe, prolonged childhood abuse, is profoundly life changing. Complex trauma produces complex adults. The journey to recovery is a painful, often lonely, emotional daily challenge and it is my aim to encourage others in their daily battle. ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

3 thoughts on “The scar on my wrist, no longer something I hate, but proof I survived.

  1. Pingback: Diary of (another) Borderline

  2. Thank you so much for all of your sharing and your wonderful heart. You have helped many more people than you realize! One thing I have wanted to share with you is how being so hypervigiilant has been and affected my children. But my 12 year old now knows never to just come up behind me. She will say to me, “Mom I am coming up behind you to give you a hug. OK? ” Part of me thinks it;s pathetic but the other part is so grateful that we have found a way to deal with it. Again Thank you for all you do your website and your facebook page! ~Traci~

    • Thank you for your message Traci.
      Yes, I have had to explain to my 11 year old not to come up behind me and not to frighten me.
      I don’t think it’s pathetic that you have needed to explain to your daughter about things that are difficult. I view it as this is a health condition we deal with and this is something we need as result. And you have found a great way to deal with it.
      I’m glad you like the website and facebook page too. I’m always thankful if they help people.