Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

A journey to healing from complex trauma.

Dancing, my all time passion and a coping strategy for abuse.

As a child, I needed to have several coping strategies to help me survive all the abuse and the harmful environment I was raised in.

Some of these coping strategies are good ones, that I still use now and have been advised are good ones.

One of them is music, where the lyrics and expression of the music I identify with, with different emotions, such as sadness, loss, abuse, fear, joy, love, happiness and movement.

Another is dance, which is my all time passion.

I attended dance lessons as a child and I was very talented, particularly at ballet. The examining body was the British Ballet Organization, one of the leading ballet institutions worldwide, with the most demanding and most strict form of examinations. There are 5 pass levels in this; Pass, Pass Plus, Commended, Highly Commended & Honours. Honours was only reserved for the absolute most technically gifted dancers and very few honours are awarded. I gained honours in all my exams. The comments about my technical ability were always high, but my expression in dance was what lifted me above most.

I was interviewed at 12, to decide whether I was good enough to be admitted to the Royal Ballet at 16, as their intakes are 11 and 16. It was confirmed I was talented enough. It was my dream to become a ballerina and perform on the stage – doing what I loved the most.

My time of dancing also coincides with the period of time I was being sexually abused. My dancing became my way of dissociating from my pain. I loved dancing at that time, it was my life. It was my rock, in a world around me that was abusive, unloving, uncaring and dangerous.

My dancing gave me a way to express my emotions and gave me an outlet that I truly know helped me profoundly through this time of severe abuse.

I know my dancing ability was a gift from God to help me survive and I am truly thankful and know I was blessed to have this.

My dancing ended at about 13, as my parents could no longer afford to send me.

My dream was over. And so was the sexual abuse I had been enduring for several years.

Sadly, as I went on into my 20’s, dancing became another outlet for my inner pain and emotions, involving me clubbing every weekend, wearing as little as possible and enjoying provocative, sexually based dance moves, that expressed myself, but in a way that gained all the wrong attention. I also enjoyed watching male dancers and was very attracted to men would could dance well. I am aware, as a severe sexual abuse survivor, this is common, to express yourself using your body. I prided myself on being a good clubbing dancer that many wanted to watch and being offered jobs as a dancer, which thankfully I knew to turn down and I praise God for intervening here.

Now, I only dance at home, I cannot handle clubs.

So, when I don’t have too much pain, I dance when no-one is around, just for me.

I now use what I have a talent in, for myself, not for others to admire, or perve over.
I have turned it into a good coping strategy and one my doctor encourages, that I can express myself fully.

Dance is still my passion, it will be until the day I die.

Author: Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

I am a survivor of complex and multiple trauma and abuse, who at the age of 40, began my healing journey. I am using my journey to recovery and healing, to help others, to help survivors feel less alone, validated, encouraged and to enable others to understand themselves more. Complex trauma, particularly from severe, prolonged childhood abuse, is profoundly life changing. Complex trauma produces complex adults. The journey to recovery is a painful, often lonely, emotional daily challenge and it is my aim to encourage others in their daily battle. ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

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