Today has been one of the rollercoaster days. From okay, to bad with just one letter.
It started out okay. Woke very early from a nightmare. Did breathing and grounding to get through that. Tried to positively view the nightmare, as my brain trying to process the trauma.
Sent a message to the senior pastor of the Church I attend letting him know where I am at now with regard to a situation there. I’m at a positive point in dealing with a very emotive situation.
Went out to a shopping centre with my husband, for some clothes for my Birthday presents. That was okay. Shopping centres are not my favourite place and the noise and people in the food court was overwhelming. I picked a few things quickly and then needed to leave. I used to love shopping.
When we got home, the Disability Claim letter confirming my long term disability claim approval was waiting for me.
That hit me like a tsunami, sweeping me straight off my feet and crashing me onto the floor with bang so hard, it may as well have broken bones. It was the psychological equivalent of breaking bones.
Dealing with my confirmation of loss of my independence, loss of self, loss of identity and ability I have always clung to so hard and held onto with every muscle in my body. My ability to work, to support myself, has been a vital part of who I am and how I have survived so long since all the worst trauma occurred.
My ability to work was what made me not rely on my parents and I needed to not be under their control.
My ability to work was what allowed me to get out of my destructive first marriage.
My ability to work, was my ‘get of any situation’ key I held so dearly, gripped so tight, like my life depended on it.
Now, I don’t have. That has also been taken from me, along with so much. My past, my childhood stolen and so much of the first 30 years of my life, all centred around abuse.
And now I have confirmation of just how messed up all the abuse I suffered, has caused. Just how profoundly all the harm, hurt and suffering I tried so hard for 20 years to NOT affect my life, is now impacting. Disabling me from work. Completely.
So my future will too be affected by everything that happened and the injustice of it is overwhelmingly painful. I don’t hate my abusers, but I hate what they have done, the long term, life changing, severely impacting damage they all collectively caused, which now I have to accept IS long term. And I am already struggling to deal with it every day. It is only my trust in God that keeps me going most days.
I went through the emotional rollercoaster today, from okay, to the full on emotions of crying, sobbing and then into a numbed out stated, mildly dissociated for a few hours. Still functioning, but feeling detached from it, particularly emotionally detached.
I smiled and kissed my children when they came home from school, as I do, putting on the brave face, trying not to let them see me upset. Trying as I do every day, to not let this impact them, as much as I am capable of.
Now, I can feel the depression, that total lowering of mood.
That spiralling downward motion of sinking lower and lower.
I try so hard to make this journey a positive one. But right now, I hate PTSD.
No, actually I don’t hate PTSD, I hate what caused it. All the abuse I should never have suffered in the first place.
I am scared this disorder will reduce me further, will impact my family more than it does already.
I hope and pray it is God’s plan to heal me, because I am only too aware I cannot do this alone.