Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

A journey to healing from complex trauma.

The day my disability claim was confirmed as approved. 29/04/13

1 Comment

Today, 29th April 2013, I received my confirmation letter stating my Disability application has been accepted.

It stated my doctor confirmed there was unlikely to be any improvement in my medical condition for the next 2 years.

To most people, this is all good news. But to me, it’s not.

I don’t think I actually believed it would happen. I don’t think even I have wanted to accept the cold, hard reality, that my medical state, due to severe Complex PTSD, is so damaging and so impacting, that I have lost my independence.

My independence, is something that has been of crucial importance to me, since I was 21 years old. Since all the worst abuse occurred.

To be able to completely support myself, and not be reliant on anyone, is something that psychologically, is vital.

To lose that and know I am reliant on my husband (as wonderful as he is) and reliant on the state to provide benefits to me, due to my medical condition being so badly affected that I am completely unable to work – long term, terrifies me, in only the way a complex trauma/captivity survivor will understand.

Right now, it is consuming me with so much fear, terror and blackness of depression looming and numbing I can feel happening. I’ve cried, needed to do some breathing and grounding, to calm myself from spiralling into an anxiety attack. Now I’m just almost completely numb. Numb happens when I can’t cope, when my PTSD brain senses fear and is overwhelmed, it happens. I just feel detached, as I write this.

Vulnerable is a state of mind I cannot tolerate. The PTSD hits home very hard when I feel this vulnerable.

It’s so hard already trying to deal with so much loss. Loss of my childhood, loss of my teenage years, loss of not having good parents.

Now the reality of dealing with more loss hits. Loss of what I should have had in my future. Loss of a quality of life, a life of not dealing with Complex PTSD and all it’s many disabling symptoms.

Loss is hard, when there is so much. And loss needs grieving.

I have more than I can bear, to grieve.

And, worst is no one around me knowing how this feels. How hard this is. How devastating this is.

Mental illness, is far harder to deal with in terms of support, than physical illness.

Another reality I deal with daily.

And all this could have been avoided. By having a normal childhood. One with love, safety, compassion, care.

This is too hard.

Author: Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

I am a survivor of complex and multiple trauma and abuse, who at the age of 40, began my healing journey. I am using my journey to recovery and healing, to help others, to help survivors feel less alone, validated, encouraged and to enable others to understand themselves more. Complex trauma, particularly from severe, prolonged childhood abuse, is profoundly life changing. Complex trauma produces complex adults. The journey to recovery is a painful, often lonely, emotional daily challenge and it is my aim to encourage others in their daily battle. ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

One thought on “The day my disability claim was confirmed as approved. 29/04/13

  1. I don’t know what to say except I’m so sorry. I hope that one day your faculties are fully restored and you are able to function normally. I’m disabled too so I relate on some level, but obviously our situations are very different.