Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

A journey to healing from complex trauma.

Numb, numb, numb… ~ Lilly Hope Lucario




I am currently in that detached, dissociated, numb mode. Have been all day. Like going through the motions. With no emotion.
Emotion is too hard. I can’t handle the amount of everything weighing on me, crushing me.
I know it’s depression, full on depression.
It’s a good job I am a cocktail on drugs.
I know when I am like this, I am overwhelmed.
Overwhelmed with grief, loss, abandonment, fear, lack of hope.
Surrounded by people who all think, as long as I just ‘look on the bright side’, or ‘think positive thoughts’, it will all be okay.
Simple as that.
Which I know for some people, that is all it takes to lift themselves out of feeling low. And I’m glad for them.
PTSD and severe depression is neurological.
PTSD physically and psychologically injures the brain, alters the brain.
It isn’t cured by happy thoughts.
But, that’s what people want from me.
So, I put on a smile and let people think I am okay, when really I am dying inside.
And it’s so bad, I’m dissociated as I can’t bear it.
My husband knows. He knows when I am quiet, withdrawn, vacant, it’s not good.
But what other choice do I have when it’s too hard.
I have no choice other than death.
And that’s not a choice I can make, because I have children.
So, numbed out is the ‘better’ alternative.
The better of two evils.
I guess.

~ Lilly Hope Lucario

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Author: Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

I am a survivor of complex and multiple trauma and abuse, who at the age of 40, began my healing journey. I am using my journey to recovery and healing, to help others, to help survivors feel less alone, validated, encouraged and to enable others to understand themselves more. Complex trauma, particularly from severe, prolonged childhood abuse, is profoundly life changing. Complex trauma produces complex adults. The journey to recovery is a painful, often lonely, emotional daily challenge and it is my aim to encourage others in their daily battle.

9 thoughts on “Numb, numb, numb… ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

  1. 😦 I know that feeling, sorry you are in that place at the moment. I wish it was as easy as happy thoughts. But then, there wouldn’t really be a problem now would there? Some people just don’t understand I guess. Good luck getting through this bit of it.

  2. Thank you Gabriel. Yes it would be amazing if happy thoughts could cure it. People don’t understand because they can’t if they haven’t been through it. I’m sorry you know this feeling too, it’s hard. We just have to keep going though. Thank you again.

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  5. Some say that numbness can be a subconscious response to traumatic experiences. Like a form of self preservation/protection. Knowing you’re not alone brings a bit of comfort for some and yes, unless someone else has gone through it they can’t understand and we must accept that they can’t. I too have been experiencing this for awhile and have some years ago. Don’t compare yourself to others nor worry about what others “might” think because it’s possible they’re not thinking about us at all. Even if we only experience the slightest amount of emotion no matter how often be thankful for that moment. Stop worrying about tomorrow and accept that the only thing we can change about the past are our thoughts/perceptions about it and don’t beat yourself up for your emotions or lack of. If you need help ask for help – it’s a sign of strength not weakness. If all you can do is cry then cry. It can help with recovery. One day at a time. May the Creator bring healing to all.

  6. Thank you for this window into your experience.

  7. Thank you Lilly
    You have just put how i feel into words. I get told to be positive, to not be needy, not to be withdrawn, xhange my thinking do this do that. I am 51 and while i my abuse sexual, physical and emotional came out abot 15 years ago it was about 6 months ago with the breakdown of my marriage that i fell apart. I spent 5 weeks in hospital finally with a diagnosis and on a bucket load of meds. My head is a mess my heart and stomach feel like they are stuck with knives but ultimately I am empty i have absolutely nothing to give. Hour by hoy day by day appointment by appointment is the best i can do at the moment.
    Thinking of you may we have a better day tomorrow x

  8. You have an amazing way of putting into words, what is impossible for me to put into words… Such amazing insight and ability to communicate what PTSD is truly like!!

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