As a child, I loved my mother and my siblings. Still do.
Through therapy and research, I have learned so much about my dysfunctional family, the narc behaviours, the emotional and psychological abuse.
But, I loved them through it all.
Got badly hurt by them, but loved them and still do, just from a safe distance.
Throughout my 20’s, despite the fact they never bothered with me, I used to see them every month. I wasn’t earning much, but still used part of my income to go and see them by train, as they lived 100 miles away.
I sacrificed my own knowledge of what they had done wrong, to continue trying to be in this family, despite never receiving real love in return.
I wanted to be in a family, but I also love them deeply.
When I hadn’t spoken to my mother for some time and she got really sick, I didn’t hesitate, against my husband’s, advice in going to see her, every other day, driving some distance to the hospital. She didn’t deserve this from me, but I did it. I sacrificed my time again and heart again, for a mother who had caused considerable emotional abuse throughout my life.
During my first marriage, I left so many times due to my ex being an alcoholic and gambling addict, which added much stress to our marriage, especially when he was sacked and continued to drink and gamble. Physical abuse occurred and I left many times. Every time, he begged me to come back, said he would stop drinking, said he would go to AA etc. He never did and within the years we were together my heart for him to get better, kept me going back. I genuinely wanted him to be well. His physical health was poor and he complained constantly of pains within his liver area and he would cry in my arms and I felt so badly for him. He wasn’t a truly bad guy, he was an addict and he loved drink and gambling more than me, as addicts do. They were his first love and everything else came after that. I tried my absolute best to help him, but you can’t help an addict who doesn’t want to be helped.
I recently sacrificed vindicating myself in a situation where my honesty was questioned, I produced evidence that only a select few have seen. The persons concerned were not happy that I did this at all, their image not as perfect as they like to put out there. In fact no where near as perfect as they like it to be seen as.
But, I maintained my integrity and the evidence has remained undisclosed to most people. People who I know doubt me, gossip etc, as weak people do. And support the ones who have been dishonest, have proven themselves to the people who know about it all – to show themselves as liars who hide things to make themselves look good, but they are not, and yet somehow just want everyone to believe ‘they’ are the hurt and unwell ones, ‘they’ need the support etc. More ego boosting and pandering they always needed and still do. I see it clearly now and I feel sorry for them. Their weakness and insecurities are so clear as my therapist explained. But, I am learning that weak people cannot help being who they are. They are not strong enough to be anything else. But she also told me my inner security is strong. Honesty, integrity, truth. Strong values of mine, that weak people cannot live up to.
But, I maintained my integrity to God, because I love God, despite this being a sacrifice and despite knowing I am now outed from a community, who does not know the truth.
But, sacrificial love is something I have known all my life.
Because I learned how loving someone, truly loving someone, isn’t based upon what you receive back.
I learned how to love people, even when they hurt me, from a young age.
Love is sacrificial, if it’s true love.
Like God, sacrificing himself, as Jesus, on that cross.
True sacrificial love.
The ultimate sacrifice.