Today I start EMDR.
I woke at around 3am, horrendous nightmare, which continued on in emotional flashback and body memories when I woke up. The worst kind. Couldn’t get back to sleep after that, until around 6am, when I fell into that groggy kind of sleep that makes you feel worse than if just stayed awake.
Have a huge headache, my PTSD cup is already overflowing and it’s only 9am.
It will take every PTSD management strategy and self care I know to get through today. Every time I think about the EMDR, my anxiety just shoots up.
This emotional pain, re-living suffering and abuse, feeling it again and again emotionally, mentally and in body memories, is like torture some days.
The unfairness of having gone through all when it happened, is bad enough. To re-live it over and over, seems beyond unfair. It is just horrendous.
My childhood, the first 20 years of my life, were filled with fear, loneliness, depression, shame, blame, sadness, lies, deceit, betrayal, tears, sobbing, feeling constantly unsafe, fearing for my life, torture and many other forms of abuse no child/teenager should ever have to suffer.
It has damaged me so badly to my core, I know it will take God’s continuing work in me to heal.
People who don’t know this level of suffering only want me to barf up positivity and happy thoughts. Of course they do, they don’t know this deep, core level damaging, severe prolonged suffering. Happy thoughts work for them. Happy thoughts don’t cure PTSD. Nothing cures this severe level of Complex PTSD. Except God.
I have been told by the professionals, it is okay for me to feel these severe emotions, feel the injustice of it all, feel deep sadness of how much of my life has been stolen from me, in the most cruel ways.
Not feeling these emotions, not allowing myself to go through this painful process, avoiding it, makes it worse.
I have so much loss and pain to grieve. It’s overwhelming.
Avoiding it, minimizing it, looking of the bright side, was exactly what made my situation worse. For 20 years, I suppressed it, leading to my brain falling apart, in a breakdown last year, with my brain being unable to cope any longer. Avoiding it, was the worst thing to do.
So, being strong, being positive, not letting it get me down, barfing up positivity – being what society and people tell me I should be and what I should do, is not the advice I need. But, I have to ignore the well meaning, but totally inappropriate advice from people who just don’t get it, they can’t.
Hard though. Makes me feel that terminal aloneness feeling severe complex trauma creates.
I feel like I’m in this bubble of my own and everyone else is in this other bubble.
I struggle every day, to not become more detached from this world, that doesn’t understand me.
I’ve hated feeling different all my life.
Now I accept I am.
But, God understands me, He saw every second of the abuse I suffered, and still suffer.
He loves me and that is what keeps me strong. I sit and picture Jesus holding me and I cry, sob, like a child in His arms.
It’s my only comfort.