Tomorrow I start EMDR – Eye Movement Desensitization & Re-processing. It’s an exposure PTSD therapy.
It’s also my Birthday tomorrow.
I could have delayed starting the EMDR, but I have had a couple of month’s worth of delays, due to some pretty distressing events occurring. So, being as dedicated as I am in my healing process, my Birthday just has to take a back seat. Hey, I’ll have another one next year.
I am pretty nervous about EMDR. Actually, I need to re-phrase that, I am VERY nervous about it. If it wasn’t for the fact that my PTSD symptoms are so bad, that it affects my life in a severe way, I wouldn’t be doing it at all.
I know – I research everything – EMDR, was not created by its inventor Francine Shapiro, for complex trauma, or multiple trauma. Or for people with dissociation issues. My situation and trauma history is so far form the ideal for the chances of it working, and there are risks. I know from PTSD forums, of cases where the survivors brains being permanently damaged by EMDR. I am assuming this was someone who used it incorrectly.
So, I have to ‘trust’ my therapist. Trust – that good old word that really does not come into a complex trauma survivor’s vocabulary, or indeed ability, particularly when needing to be vulnerable.
Being vulnerable, trusting someone, not easy for me at all. Scares the crap out of me, to be frank.
I still don’t know if I can go through with it. I am praying for strength, if it is indeed what I need to do, to help heal.
I know I don’t ‘have to’. I am in control of my therapy and I know if I say I am not okay with it, we do something else. But, I know my ability to avoid things I find too difficult. And so does my brain – with dissociation….
Just thinking about it now, is making my anxiety go up.
Tomorrow, is going to be an interesting day for sure.