Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

A journey to healing from complex trauma.

Now I know why I am different…..at last……and it’s all good!

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I have spent my entire life, feeling different, trying to fit in to a world that I don’t understand, with people who mostly do not understand me.

Yesterday, I received enlightenment as to why, that has brought about a sense of deep relief and understanding and the key missing piece of my life puzzle I have struggled with so much.

From a very young age, I knew people around me were thinking and doing the wrong things. I knew my step fathers weird behaviours, racists attitudes, lack of courage, inability to understand his own wrong behaviours were so wrong and it irritated me badly.

I knew my mothers fakeness around others and her different behaviours depending on situations, the emotional abuse, manipulative behaviours, her enabling bad behaviours at the expense of her children, her selfishness, her self serving attitudes, were wrong.

From childhood onwards, I have viewed the world with questioning eyes and challenged it’s wrongs, it’s image driven, materialistic, self needs based attitudes with a sense of confusion.

I’ve always known I am a deep thinker and need to consider everything fully, challenge it and understand it, to have peace with it.

I have doubted myself, my sanity, struggled badly, especially recently with why I spend so much of my time looking at people and thinking ‘really!?, and you are a grown adult and you truly think your behaviour is okay??!!’.

But, now I have been enlightened as to how much inner wisdom I do in fact have, due to my life and all that it has challenged me with. My sense of real honesty, integrity, inner strength, realness, compassion, empathy, developed from a lifetime of challenges many would not have survived.

Having an understand now, of why people do not live up to the high expectations I set for myself, of truth, honest, self reflection, integrity – because they are unable to, they lack the ability to and often cannot even see this in themselves, was a revelation to me that brought about a sense of understanding and relief that just made me feel ‘WOW’, praise God, for I get it now!!!

Not expecting people to achieve what I can, to be who I am, is needed, because expecting people to be like me, hurts me, because most never can. I need to let go of this constant expectation of others.

And, to not seek validation from people who don’t know my worth, don’t and cannot recognise my strengths. That was a big realisation.

To be told by professional people my inner wisdom is so strong that others cannot even see that in me, was one of those ‘AHA!’ moments. Now I see it! At last, praise God!

The quote ‘it requires wisdom to understand wisdom, the music is nothing if the audience is deaf’, applies in my life constantly.

Few people understand me, because they can’t. And they will assume wrongly this means there is something wrong with me, not understanding the lack and weakness is themselves.

The truly great part about this, is my ability for compassion and empathy, to put myself in their pace and see how confused they must be about someone like me. And of course, my honesty in having PTSD, becomes their focus – she is wrong because she had mental health issues. That becomes their focus, because it makes them feel better, when in reality they are totally deluded.

But, in fact my mental health is very strong. Stronger than most.

So, treating people with grace, accepting them for their weakness and lack of wisdom, lack of self reflection and instead look for their strengths, is key. Everyone has strengths, everyone has a purpose.

I choose to look for the good, even if people only want to see bad in me.

But, the sense of peace, this enlightenment has gifted me, is immense and a true turning point in my life.

Praise God for guiding me to wise people, who can help me where so many cannot, but to know to use this for good, only good.

God is good!

Author: Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

I am a survivor of complex and multiple trauma and abuse, who at the age of 40, began my healing journey. I am using my journey to recovery and healing, to help others, to help survivors feel less alone, validated, encouraged and to enable others to understand themselves more. Complex trauma, particularly from severe, prolonged childhood abuse, is profoundly life changing. Complex trauma produces complex adults. The journey to recovery is a painful, often lonely, emotional daily challenge and it is my aim to encourage others in their daily battle. ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

2 thoughts on “Now I know why I am different…..at last……and it’s all good!

  1. Thanks for being.
    I connect in so many ways.
    I look forward to your words.
    Thank again

  2. I was thinking today how amazing it would be to receive a real check, actually a dollar amount sign of what the world would qualify as wages earned or payment received if the therapy you are involved in, the trauma, all of it, were considered to be actual “work.” How much would it be worth? 100 bucks, a million? I think you know it would be priceless, a “work” that no billionaire would take on, but in our society it is actually looked down on? How sad is that? Inner work should be the best work with the highest pay cause few are brave enough. Some people should be on Oprah for God’s sakes just for getting out of bed and facing the day. But, again you are correct that what is the price on Spirituality? Wisdom? Compassion? Would I even care to be reading this now? But, ahhhh! I am. Because Missy, you are important. You are doing God’s work within you, and right now I wonder if you cringe at me the way I do at other strangers who post comments on my blog, and I am immediately anxious and hyper aware. No need. I don’t want anything. So feel good, okay?