Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

A journey to healing from complex trauma.

I started to doubt my own sanity……..exactly what the devil wanted, of course!

I have had on ongoing situation of hurt and harm caused, that by no fault of mine, became a huge drama. I was shocked at the way it was dealt with, shocked by the lack of honesty and self reflection.

I am someone who can self reflect on a deep level, and honesty is one of my strong values, along with integrity to myself and my integrity to God.

The whole process, whilst extremely distressing, with levels of betrayal and hurt that almost became unbearable, has proven to be such an enlightening process, I am glad it happened. I am thankful it happened! Praise God!

I asked my doctor last week ‘am I just insane and I don’t know it’, because I know I am different to a lot of people, I know I think differently. She was most insistent on me knowing my sanity is absolutely in tact, my mental health is strong, but why I know I am different.

Growth and wisdom are mostly attained through life experiences. My life experiences have allowed more growth than a lot people will ever know. But – and this is the part I needed to understand – other people cannot help their lack, because their life experiences are limited.

Knowing they cannot help it, knowing it is not intentional, knowing their lack, is needed so I can stop feeling so angry and betrayed and upset and hurt.

Grace is hard for a complex trauma survivor with severe PTSD. My brain wants me to feel safe. People who hurt me, become unsafe. People who don’t deal with situations fairly and with justice, become unsafe. When other needs are prioritized over mine, to my expense, they become unsafe.

Safety, is a huge issue to complex PTSD survivors. But, I have enough insight, to know PTSD lies to me and I know I need to battle it. Which when I am calm, is something I do well. When distressed, and hurt, I immediately switch into my safe/unsafe, trustworthy/untrustworthy, good/bad mode of thinking, that has kept me alive in the past.

It was a fundamental part of my healing to understand what a fallen world we live in, and that hurt, harm, injustice etc occurs not just in my past, but all around me, all the time. And most people do not even have the capacity to know they are doing it. It makes me so sad to accept this reality.

I now know grace and fighting my inbuilt protection mode, is really hard and I know it will take a work of God – again – for me to learn this and with consistency, but it is what I want.

My ability to have some level of compassion for abusers in the past, to feel sad for their black hearts, is also key.

My ability to put myself in other people’s places and view it from their experience, helps me to have forgiveness, compassion and understanding. And everyone needs it whether they deserve it or not.

And now I know, I have to learn this not just for past harm/people, but for present and future harm. Because it happens all the time, on different levels.

I am still coming to terms with these recent realisations and whilst I battle with the whole ‘isn’t grace just letting people get away with sin?’ issue, I pray for guidance on where to apply this and when to have my strong voice to say ‘this is not okay’. God has shown me considerable grace and mercy, despite all my own sin, and I need to keep this in my mind.

But, I can also say, I am so glad my sanity is totally okay and my life has brought me these gifts God has entrusted me with. And I have a confidence that if He gave me this life and these gifts, He will continue to work it all out, for His glory.

Author: Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

I am a survivor of complex and multiple trauma and abuse, who at the age of 40, began my healing journey. I am using my journey to recovery and healing, to help others, to help survivors feel less alone, validated, encouraged and to enable others to understand themselves more. Complex trauma, particularly from severe, prolonged childhood abuse, is profoundly life changing. Complex trauma produces complex adults. The journey to recovery is a painful, often lonely, emotional daily challenge and it is my aim to encourage others in their daily battle. ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

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