Was sitting earlier, with my husband, watching The Voice, and one of the contestants sang a song that triggers emotions and memories I do not want to remember.
The song was ‘Luka’ – Suzanne Vega.
It triggers the time I was in the worst abuse, getting threatened and abused severely, daily, by a sadistic psychopath.
The line in the song ‘they only hit, until you cry, after that, you don’t ask why…you just don’t argue anymore, you just don’t argue anymore….you just don’t argue, anymore.’ This gets me hard.
I learned not to argue, not to fight him off. I learned I never won, I wasn’t strong enough and the more I fought, the worse I got hurt. Much worse.
It was easier to say what he wanted, do what he wanted and let him do to me whatever he wanted. He liked to make me fight sometimes, he liked to see the terror in my eyes when he threatened, in detail, of what he could do to me, how he had killed a previous girlfriend (victim) and would do it again.
If I didn’t fight, I got less long term damage. I got less bruises. Got less pain.
If severe pain was on the menu that day, I always knew, he would take me out to rural areas, where no-one would hear me scream. Where no-one would hear me beg him to stop. Where he could use guns and knives – his special torture and terror weapons, to cause the most fear. Having a loaded gun at my head, was something that happened many times. Spinning the single bullet in a revolver barrel, then put to my head, having the trigger pulled, truly believing I was going to die, torture of a truly terrifying level.
My neighbours who lived below me, they knew bad things were going on. One was old and half deaf – which worked out well for him, but he saw the black eyes and bruises if I went past him on the stairs.
I always silently hoped they would never ask me what was going on, would never call the police, as I knew if that happened the punishment I would get, would be severe.
It was why I kept quiet. Exactly as was wanted.
When I had my first son, my labour and his birth were not good. My pelvic area, messed up from too much abuse, meant delivering a big baby was not supposed to be an option. Long story, but turned out he was unexpectedly big – 9lb 8oz’s, and the birth was painful, with complications, was long, but the whole time, I was quiet, only crying a little silently. My husband was shocked, there was none of the shouting, screaming, calling him names – and I swore like a sailor in those days.
I had already learned how to suffer prolonged, severe pain, quietly.
And my pain threshold is very high, which is another result of considerable experience in prolonged pain inflicted on my body.
I hate triggers.