I know most of my life has either been about pain and suffering, or suppressing pain and suffering.
Since my full blown Complex PTSD crash last year, pain is a daily occurrence, it’s every day, unrelenting, cruel and fearsome in it’s intensity.
‘Good’ days are when the pain is maybe at 50%, instead of 80%, or 90%.
Some people think pain from the past, is only felt if you allow it. They are wrong. I would do anything to relieve this pain.
Deep, intense emotional pain, along with physical pain, along with varying levels of guilt for how my family is impacted, combined with grieving and severe depression. It’s a heavy load to carry and it’s seared into me. It is not a load I can chose to put down.
I truly know, I don’t know how not be in pain. It’s been a factor my entire life.
Even when I was partying hard, it was there, and my need to seek out thrills and excitement were only ever a mask for the deep inner pain I felt.
I hear people talk about grieving the pre-trauma person they were. I don’t have a pre-trauma me.
All I know is trauma, how to survive it, how to get up every morning and pretend this is a good life, a nice life. It isn’t a good life, or a nice life, when the pain of the past is with you every day. It’s just an existence and a daily attempt to be what everyone needs from me.
And PTSD makes it worse. It replays over and over in my head, like torture.
I know I am going to be in pain my entire life. It will not leave me, because it has damaged me that badly.
Some emotional scars are so deep, they never fade completely.
My entire life has been about how to live with the pain.
I don’t want to live with this pain anymore.
But, I have to, because I have children and I cannot do to them, what was done to me. I love them too much.
I will live with this pain, until I die.