Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

A journey to healing from complex trauma.

When all you know is pain and you know it will be who you are, all your life….

4 Comments

I know most of my life has either been about pain and suffering, or suppressing pain and suffering.

Since my full blown Complex PTSD crash last year, pain is a daily occurrence, it’s every day, unrelenting, cruel and fearsome in it’s intensity.

‘Good’ days are when the pain is maybe at 50%, instead of 80%, or 90%.

Some people think pain from the past, is only felt if you allow it. They are wrong. I would do anything to relieve this pain.

Deep, intense emotional pain, along with physical pain, along with varying levels of guilt for how my family is impacted, combined with grieving and severe depression. It’s a heavy load to carry and it’s seared into me. It is not a load I can chose to put down.

I truly know, I don’t know how not be in pain. It’s been a factor my entire life.

Even when I was partying hard, it was there, and my need to seek out thrills and excitement were only ever a mask for the deep inner pain I felt.

I hear people talk about grieving the pre-trauma person they were. I don’t have a pre-trauma me.

All I know is trauma, how to survive it, how to get up every morning and pretend this is a good life, a nice life. It isn’t a good life, or a nice life, when the pain of the past is with you every day. It’s just an existence and a daily attempt to be what everyone needs from me.

And PTSD makes it worse. It replays over and over in my head, like torture.

I know I am going to be in pain my entire life. It will not leave me, because it has damaged me that badly.

Some emotional scars are so deep, they never fade completely.

My entire life has been about how to live with the pain.

I don’t want to live with this pain anymore.

But, I have to, because I have children and I cannot do to them, what was done to me. I love them too much.

I will live with this pain, until I die.

Author: Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

I am a survivor of complex and multiple trauma and abuse, who at the age of 40, began my healing journey. I am using my journey to recovery and healing, to help others, to help survivors feel less alone, validated, encouraged and to enable others to understand themselves more. Complex trauma, particularly from severe, prolonged childhood abuse, is profoundly life changing. Complex trauma produces complex adults. The journey to recovery is a painful, often lonely, emotional daily challenge and it is my aim to encourage others in their daily battle. ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

4 thoughts on “When all you know is pain and you know it will be who you are, all your life….

  1. I am so sorry you are hurting. I feel the same way sometimes. I think I have always had pain and I will always have pain.

    But it’s not true! We won’t always live with this pain. Things can get better. People who know our kind of pain say so, and I believe them. One of the people that inspires me is Marilyn Van Derbur, she was a Miss America, but she also lived with a secret for much of her life. She was molested by her father. Her book, Miss America By Day, is so encouraging.

    There is another book…I can’t think of the name of it right now (I work graveyard and I didn’t get enough sleep today)…I’ll find it for you later. Anyway, it is by a psychiatrist that has worked for 20 yrs with immigrants people who have experienced unimaginable horrors, sexual abuse/assault, to genocide. He says he has never met anyone that could not heal. He asks why people think that a stab wound can heal and not the mind.

    Some day we can have a life without pain. When it feels like too much just hold on for one more day, or one more hour (I’ve had those days when I could only hold on for one more hour….) Just hold on. It will get better. I’m not there yet, but I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. We’ll get there.

  2. Thank you, I really appreciate your message and I know I need to have hope the pain will reduce and I know I feel a deep lack of hope today and in general now because I am grieving and it hurts. I find it hard to believe after more than 40 years of pain, it will ever end.
    But, I know recovery can happen, grieving does lesson and I also believe if it is God’s plan for me to stop being in pain, it will happen.
    Thank you for giving me some hope, on a day that has been truly painful, full of emotional triggers and memories that are intsense and hurt so badly.
    Thank you for reminding me to just hold on.
    We need to do exactly that and we will get through it.

  3. I always say it is like being someone with a leg cut off but your the only one who can see it. There are no Handicap signs to lead you or ramps to assist you. I also say it is like going in to the 9/11 buildings, with everything crashing around and grief and suffering and pure evil but instead of a nation watching, your it’s only witness. Here you are, looking around at the world in pain and suffering, alone. Everyone else sips coffee.

    I love what you describe to be Psychological Cancer. Nothing farther than the truth.

  4. I suffer from a great deal of empathy it is painful ,my body hurts I feel sore all over my head especially is sore to the touch. ive been this way all of my life.im so tired,i want to help everyone.i was abandoned by both parents emotionally and lived w my granparents from a baby on….I feel everything is my fault im not worthy of life…I have had so many traumatic things happen to me..i will be this way for the rest of my life Iim 56 and I know no other way…but God keeps me going..if it wasn’t for him I jus don’t know how I would make it..i cant just not over look all of the suffering in this world…ty so much for this enlightenment….I need counseling so badly…God bless you!