My abusers, were all victims too. A controversial, but life changing moment of realisation.

I was taking a shower earlier, thinking about stuff, as I do. My mind never stops.

My mind constantly thinking, is good and bad. Rumination, being a negative in some ways, but my ability to not let go of thinking about something, coupled with PTSD not allowing me to let go of something, can have it’s uses. It can be used for good.

I have the ability to put myself in other people’s shoes and view their life, through their eyes, try to feel what they felt.

I’ve done this with my abusers and this was what in my mind while showering. But, I wasn’t upset, I was okay and suddenly it came to my mind. They were all victims of their own minds too.

I need to love and accept the new me…and grieve the old me that is gone.

Accepting who I am now, and letting go of the old ‘pre Complex PTSD crash me’, is still on ongoing process.

I know I am grieving the old me that is gone. The old me that will never return, because too much change has occurred.

No longer taking the blame….

From childhood onwards, I have been someone blamed for things that were not my responsibility and I’ve taken the blame, felt the pain of blame and shame that was not mine to feel.

I’ve loved people who abused me, blamed me and continue to love them.

I needed to go through a process of learning how to stand up for myself and no longer accept blame and I had a recent situation where this process occurred.

Tolerance and understanding….

Something I have learned and understand fully and was advice from my doctor, is everyone has different levels of capacity for healing, self reflection, honesty about themselves and understanding of themselves.