Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

A journey to healing from complex trauma.

My abusers, were all victims too. A controversial, but life changing moment of realisation.


I was taking a shower earlier, thinking about stuff, as I do. My mind never stops.

My mind constantly thinking, is good and bad. Rumination, being a negative in some ways, but my ability to not let go of thinking about something, coupled with PTSD not allowing me to let go of something, can have it’s uses. It can be used for good.

I have the ability to put myself in other people’s shoes and view their life, through their eyes, try to feel what they felt.

I’ve done this with my abusers and this was what in my mind while showering. But, I wasn’t upset, I was okay and suddenly it came to my mind. They were all victims of their own minds too.

Some of my abusers have included my narcissistic parents (plus other family members), a paedophile, a sadistic psychopath and an attacker who was clearly a potential rapist.

I have considerable experience with a variety of abusers, all with their own issues, their own preferred methods of abuse, all ranging through the abuse continuum, right through to extreme, severe, torture type abuse.

Each one of these people, were trapped in their own minds, their own misery, their own need to hurt others, and worse, derive pleasure from it. Abuse was their pleasure – they enjoyed it, repeated it, wanted it, planned it and would do it until they are stopped.

Each of these people had little, or no empathy, didn’t care what damage they caused, although each of them knew it was wrong, because they all went to great lengths to hide it. They all had free will to choose to do it, and decided to, such was their own need to cause harm to another.

This is incredibly sad. It really made me want to cry when I realised how sad this is.

Removing myself and my pain from this viewpoint an seeing them, in all their misery, not being able to stop themselves, getting pleasure form hurt, harm and pain inflicted on someone vulnerable, is beyond sad and they truly were very unhappy people.

Whether people want to argue it was mental health, evil forces, brain defects, whatever……….these people missed out on having good, joyful lives based on good and beautiful things. They weren’t able to enjoy real love, real pleasures, real positive emotions.

They were victims of whatever it was that caused them to act the way they did and they didn’t know it. They had no self reflection ability to say this is wrong. No empathy to see someone hurting, in pain, crying, in fear and be able to think to themselves, I must stop doing this. They continued anyway.

It is hard for me to stay angry when I see they were victims too. I can still be angry about what they did, but I just feel sorry for them. Genuinely sad.

I don’t have to say that what they did was okay, or justified, or excusable in any way, they knew what they were doing was wrong. It was very wrong.

But, I truly see this level of deep misery in them and even though they all caused me considerable pain, on different levels and collectively together have messed my life up badly in having Complex PTSD, I am less messed up than every one of them. I am able to enjoy good things, love my children, my husband my friends and want the best for them and most importantly have a relationship with God.

As I got out of the shower I said to God. I know I am meant to pray for all of these people, and I can’t quite form the words yet for some of them, but you know what is in my heart.

I’m not the only victim in all of what happened, in fact I am less of a victim, because I know myself, I know my weaknesses, I know my sins and I want to change, be changed and be all God wants me to be, as I know fully God is doing, even within this now, I fully accept is God changing my heart.

And I’m less of a victim, because despite all they did to me, I am still a person who can love, who has never wanted to use the past as an excuse for anything, never been in victim mode and I want to use it all for good, to help others.

My doctor and counsellor have told me my mental health is strong and sometimes I don’t see that when having a bad day with PTSD symptoms badly affecting me.

But, to know this about my abusers, is pretty strong mental health, as this will be a controversial statement to make, that they were victims too.

But they were/are.

And I am not a victim anymore.

Author: Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

I am a survivor of complex and multiple trauma and abuse, who at the age of 40, began my healing journey. I am using my journey to recovery and healing, to help others, to help survivors feel less alone, validated, encouraged and to enable others to understand themselves more. Complex trauma, particularly from severe, prolonged childhood abuse, is profoundly life changing. Complex trauma produces complex adults. The journey to recovery is a painful, often lonely, emotional daily challenge and it is my aim to encourage others in their daily battle. ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

7 thoughts on “My abusers, were all victims too. A controversial, but life changing moment of realisation.

  1. You often find the words my heart has a hard time finding. My abuser was a neighbor. He is now burnt out on acid and walks the streets. Who knows what drove him to that, was it abuse as a child? Was it what he did to me? My heart is sad for him.

    • I am so sorry you have experienced abuse as a child. You have a heart of compassion to think about what drove him to it and there is healing in that. I feel sad for my abuers too and I truly wish there lives could have been different, for them, as well as for me and everyone affected by them. I will never know what drove them all to do what they did, but I know how unhappy they were, how trapped in their misery they were. Which is very sad.

  2. Don’t pity them, abused or not. They choose to abuse. We did not!

  3. Reblogged this on Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD and commented:

    I was thinking about this again today, and I knew I had already blogged this.
    It is by God’s grace I am able to see these people in a genuinely sad way – sad their lives were so messed up. And very sad they did not have a relationship with God.
    Having a heart of compassion, seeing people’s weaknesses and deep unhappiness to want to hurt people, is very sad. I have prayed for all these people.
    God will ensure His justice and I truly hope their hearts could be transformed, as I feel very sad for them, thinking of the eternity in hell they will have. Even though these people caused considerable abuse in my life, I am strong, string in mind, strong in heart and most importantly strong in my faith.
    I am healing and fast, God’s grace again, so I know I want this grace for these people, as only God can give. I would much rather blacks hearts be transformed and everyone be saved, than all end up in the fire pit of hell.

  4. I am sorry for all the abuse you suffered but i have to respectfully disagree with your conclusions in this post. I don’t think any abuser is a victim of anything. A person abuses because they choose to. The reason why, the bible says, is because they are sinners. It really is that simple. We want to label someone as different or find these major reasons for why people do things because pop psychology, which has permeated the culture, has taught us to. But God says all man’s problems are because he is a sinner who chooses to sin. We are all capable of doing these vile things. Abusive behavior starts in the mind. If you fill it with vile things and evil thoughts and leave it unchecked it will eventually lead to evil actions. This is true for everyone. We are on dangerous ground the minute we think we are somehow different than people who follow through on the thoughts in their minds. Yes, they may have been abused and all that means is that is that is how they learned to do what they did. But they still choose to do it. They are victims of nothing. They are slaves to the devil and slaves to sin but there is always a choice. The bible says we are to give every thought captive to Christ. That’s why. All these people did was allow anger to fester into hate which leads to abuse.
    Think of David who was a man after God’s own heart. But one time of letting his mind run wild unchecked and being disobedient to the Lord led to adultry and murder.
    Ted Bundy before he died gave an interview to James Dobson who told him all he did was look at pronography. He filled his mind with filth and smut and it led him to kill woman. Even he coukd figure it out that it starts in the mind. He chose to do what he did. Alot of abusers grow up in good homes too. We are fo fill our minds with whatever is pure, lovely etc. God tells us the way that is right. Unsaved people cannot think right. They are chikdren of the devil as we once were. So we can pray for them for that reason. Because we were just like them with the same potential. Not because we see they were victims too. Everyone is a victim of other peoples sins in this life. And i don’t say that to take away from your hurts because they are profound and i am deeply sorry to hear about them. But i don’t want anyone thinking there is some excuse for abusing. There isn’t. It’s all a choice. A choice to go against God and sin.

    • I think the term victim, is probably the wrong one as victim is someone who has no or little choice in what occurred to them, whereas, each of these abusers had a choice, had free will, and knew it was wrong, as they all tried to hide it from others.

      So, I do see your point that they are not ‘victims’ but I still have a level of sadness for their lives being so messed up and for this sinful world in general, having so many abusive people, people on the narcissism continuum, the sociopath continuum.


      • yes, I understand that too. It’s good you can find compassion for them ( even though they are not victims of their choices). That makes you a Christian and better for it.