I was taking a shower earlier, thinking about stuff, as I do. My mind never stops.
My mind constantly thinking, is good and bad. Rumination, being a negative in some ways, but my ability to not let go of thinking about something, coupled with PTSD not allowing me to let go of something, can have it’s uses. It can be used for good.
I have the ability to put myself in other people’s shoes and view their life, through their eyes, try to feel what they felt.
I’ve done this with my abusers and this was what in my mind while showering. But, I wasn’t upset, I was okay and suddenly it came to my mind. They were all victims of their own minds too.
Some of my abusers have included my narcissistic parents (plus other family members), a paedophile, a sadistic psychopath and an attacker who was clearly a potential rapist.
I have considerable experience with a variety of abusers, all with their own issues, their own preferred methods of abuse, all ranging through the abuse continuum, right through to extreme, severe, torture type abuse.
Each one of these people, were trapped in their own minds, their own misery, their own need to hurt others, and worse, derive pleasure from it. Abuse was their pleasure – they enjoyed it, repeated it, wanted it, planned it and would do it until they are stopped.
Each of these people had little, or no empathy, didn’t care what damage they caused, although each of them knew it was wrong, because they all went to great lengths to hide it. They all had free will to choose to do it, and decided to, such was their own need to cause harm to another.
This is incredibly sad. It really made me want to cry when I realised how sad this is.
Removing myself and my pain from this viewpoint an seeing them, in all their misery, not being able to stop themselves, getting pleasure form hurt, harm and pain inflicted on someone vulnerable, is beyond sad and they truly were very unhappy people.
Whether people want to argue it was mental health, evil forces, brain defects, whatever……….these people missed out on having good, joyful lives based on good and beautiful things. They weren’t able to enjoy real love, real pleasures, real positive emotions.
They were victims of whatever it was that caused them to act the way they did and they didn’t know it. They had no self reflection ability to say this is wrong. No empathy to see someone hurting, in pain, crying, in fear and be able to think to themselves, I must stop doing this. They continued anyway.
It is hard for me to stay angry when I see they were victims too. I can still be angry about what they did, but I just feel sorry for them. Genuinely sad.
I don’t have to say that what they did was okay, or justified, or excusable in any way, they knew what they were doing was wrong. It was very wrong.
But, I truly see this level of deep misery in them and even though they all caused me considerable pain, on different levels and collectively together have messed my life up badly in having Complex PTSD, I am less messed up than every one of them. I am able to enjoy good things, love my children, my husband my friends and want the best for them and most importantly have a relationship with God.
As I got out of the shower I said to God. I know I am meant to pray for all of these people, and I can’t quite form the words yet for some of them, but you know what is in my heart.
I’m not the only victim in all of what happened, in fact I am less of a victim, because I know myself, I know my weaknesses, I know my sins and I want to change, be changed and be all God wants me to be, as I know fully God is doing, even within this now, I fully accept is God changing my heart.
And I’m less of a victim, because despite all they did to me, I am still a person who can love, who has never wanted to use the past as an excuse for anything, never been in victim mode and I want to use it all for good, to help others.
My doctor and counsellor have told me my mental health is strong and sometimes I don’t see that when having a bad day with PTSD symptoms badly affecting me.
But, to know this about my abusers, is pretty strong mental health, as this will be a controversial statement to make, that they were victims too.
But they were/are.
And I am not a victim anymore.