From childhood onwards, I have been someone blamed for things that were not my responsibility and I’ve taken the blame, felt the pain of blame and shame that was not mine to feel.
I’ve loved people who abused me, blamed me and continue to love them.
I needed to go through a process of learning how to stand up for myself and no longer accept blame and I had a recent situation where this process occurred.
Hurt caused by those I love affects me deeply. When I let people past those protection boundaries, into my heart, into my place of vulnerability and then get hurt, it is truly painful.
Recently, I told my doctor I wish I was to blame in a situation where I knew I wasn’t. I wish it was all my fault, so I could just apologise, accept the blame and hope they still wanted me in their lives. I’m good at apologising for things that aren’t my doing.
But, I couldn’t. I knew they were to blame and in fact cared about me very little to do what they were doing, lying, this hurting me deeply.
So, the process of standing up for myself had to happen and it was painful, highly emotional, leading to me being unable to cope, as this was new for me and I felt vulnerable and unable to predict the future.
Taking the blame, has meant I know what will happen, I can predict they will accept I am to blame, let me take the blame, as people do. I know how to deal with that. I know the outcome and that they are more likely to still want me in their lives.
Not knowing how to predict something, not knowing the outcome, or worse knowing they care so little and no longer want me in their lives, hurts.
But, having the self worth to not take the blame, is something very new to me. Loving myself enough to not take the blame and feel the shame for something that is not my responsibility is really hard for me.
It is a sad fact, that taking the blame, hurts me less.
Refusal the take the blame, hurts me more, because I lose those people I love.
I don’t stop loving people who hurt me, I’ve had a lifetime of loving people through all the hurt they caused and continuing to love them, no matter how badly I get treated.
Standing up for myself and refusing to accept blame, is so hard, leads to lack of predictability and lack of me being able to control the outcome. Taking blame controls the outcome, even at my own expense.
We often default to those behaviours that we have developed that aren’t good ones, but make us feel safe.
Safe for me, has always been doing what others want of me.
Taking the blame is one of the things that was always required of me and that’s how people stayed in my life, people I loved. That avoided that fear of abandonment. That’s’ how I remained safe.
To lose them was more painful and created more fear, than the pain and shame of taking the blame.
Just reading this back before posting makes me want to cry. My life has been really sad and full of people who never loved me, and I loved them so much.
But, I know facing this and changing the way I deal with people, is needed, no matter how much it hurts.