Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

A journey to healing from complex trauma.

Am I now ‘all about me’. Yes I am, it is a life saving, unavoidable factor, when you have severe complex PTSD.

17 Comments

People love to judge, we all do it on some level. We would be liars if we said we never judged anyone.

And people judge what they don’t understand the most. Particularly if it’s a taboo subject – like mental health illness. Or abuse.

I am aware people may think I am ‘all about me’. And you know, on some level that is correct. Because PTSD ‘forces’ me have to think about me – ALL the time.

I have to manage my symptoms, and when I don’t – my anxiety and stress can overload, and that’s not good. If I don’t constantly check myself – my symptoms increase and I can’t cope and this has led to me nearly needing to be hospitalized, which I want to avoid completely, for my family’s sake.

I have to have constant self awareness. That is how I manage my symptoms as well as I do. That is why I am not feeling suicidal and not having panic attacks now. Praise God!

PTSD requires constant self awareness, constant management, constant focus on self and have learned when I don’t do this, things get far worse.

And this is not something I am used to – self care, self love, focussing on me in healthy ways, is alien to me. I’m really bad at it. I’ve had to learn how to love myself enough to have positive self care. Which is all new to me.

Plus PTSD keeps me in the past – whether I like it or not. It is involuntary – completely.

I do not want intrusive memories and flashbacks of severe abuse playing in my head every day – I absolutely, 100% do not want this. But, I’ve got it and it’s like torture some days. I don’t want to wake up most nights having nightmares of abuse, waking to an anxiety attack and managing that then having the nightmare replaying in my head as well most of the day.

So, I think about my past a lot and I hate it. I try to be as mindful as possible, but it’s really hard and the intrusive memories come due to triggers, triggers I cannot avoid.

Plus I am in the deep stages of grieving so much loss. A massive amount of loss, that is painful and causes me much sadness. Coming to terms with the severity of my past, the damage it caused, the pain it caused, the loss it caused has been a huge process that is still continuing as I grieve relationships, as well as my stolen childhood and all the abuse.

So, am I self absorbed these days. Yes, I am. And I don’t like it, nor do I want it.

All of this, I have tried to avoid for 20 years.

I suppressed it, avoided it, minimized it at all costs. Sadly the cost of doing this, NOT being a victim, NOT being all about me, made my situation worse.

The longer trauma is left without being dealt with, the worse the chances for recovery are.

So choosing to not be a victim, choosing to be strong, having courage to live my life, never using my past as an excuse for anything bad in my life – was actually the wrong thing to do.

I should have been more selfish and dealt with it. I should have been more ‘all about me’ in the past.

Now, I have no choice. I have to think about me, all the time. I have to constantly be self aware and think about things, because processing the trauma, the past is what I need to do to heal. And I can’t just set aside an hour a day, PTSD doesn’t work like that. I wish it did.

It is not how I want to be and I work hard on mindfulness. I have also used the fact that I have no choice but to think about my abusers, for good. To understand their situation and have a level of understanding and compassion for their sad lives and wish it could have been different for them.

This takes courage and wisdom and a willingness to want to forgive. God gives is free will and I could choose to not forgive, making excuses and justifying this with so many reasons most people would understand.

But, I don’t. That is how unselfish I am. How not ‘all about me’ I am. How not a ‘victim’ I am.

This is how much I want God to change my heart and He is, I know it, I feel it. And that is all that truly matters.

I know many people will not have the emotional depth to understand this, simply choosing to see the posts, the Facebook Community page, this WordPress site, as me wanting, choosing to be ‘all about me’.

Which I will just ignore, as they have no idea how wrong they are and I have to accept, they just don’t have the ability and capacity to understand.

My heart is not to stay like this, I have no desire to stay stuck in this current situation. I want to heal as much as possible and use everything I have been through, to help others.

And when someone with this life threatening disorder feels so hurt because someone has suggested maybe they are being ‘all about me’, I can explain and understand how wrong and how hurtful this is, with true empathy and compassion they will need.

Everything I endure, can be used for good and it will.

Author: Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

I am a survivor of complex and multiple trauma and abuse, who at the age of 40, began my healing journey. I am using my journey to recovery and healing, to help others, to help survivors feel less alone, validated, encouraged and to enable others to understand themselves more. Complex trauma, particularly from severe, prolonged childhood abuse, is profoundly life changing. Complex trauma produces complex adults. The journey to recovery is a painful, often lonely, emotional daily challenge and it is my aim to encourage others in their daily battle. ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

17 thoughts on “Am I now ‘all about me’. Yes I am, it is a life saving, unavoidable factor, when you have severe complex PTSD.

  1. Thank you! Beautifully expressed. Made my day so much better

    • I am glad it has helped. I know these are the kinds of issues we deal with and validation from other survivors is positive and healing. Plus if a few of the people who may judge may read it, they may understand a little more. Educating society is something that can be done, just a little bit at a time, but collectively we all help 🙂

  2. The Healing by DH Lawrence
    I am not a mechanism; an assembly of various sections.
    And it is not because the mechanism is working wrongly, that I am ill.
    I am ill because of wounds deep to the soul, to the deep emotional self
    and the wounds to the soul take a long, long time, only time can help
    And patience, and a certain difficult repentance,
    Long difficult repentance, realization of life’s mistake, and the freeing oneself from the endless repetition of the mistake
    Which mankind at large has chosen to sanctify.

  3. Thank you so much. This touched me so much. I woke up early with similar thoughts, yous expressed much more eloquently than mine. Do you mind if I reblog?

  4. Thank you for being all about you.

  5. Thank you for putting into words what I have not been able to say. God bless you!

  6. Pingback: AMAZING read on Complex PTSD. | cynthiabaileyrug

  7. Self-care IS so important, I agree. Turning inward, being self-aware…necessary for healing. I’m with you!

    • Self care is very important and not focussing on that, can be dangerous and lead to symptoms being out of control. Healing is about focussing on self and is needed and anything else is avoidance of dealing with the past, which isn’t healthy. And I write posts like this, so others can see it is needed and to not feel guilty about it.

  8. Yes! We have to be self aware or we get swallowed up – by ourselves.

  9. Thank you for these words! I feel totally the same way. It’s awkward to all of a sudden be taking care of yourself when you’re so used to giving into others– because that’s all you know! it is scary to stand up to your abusers and say, “That was wrong and it hurt me.” All I know is that it was all bottled up inside me and now I want to talk about x, y, z and how much that behavior was inappropriate and hurtful to me. After never feeling safe to ever express anything negative or confront, it is a scary thing to do. You are doing to take care of YOU now– a very good thing!

  10. I can relate to your writing so well. I just commented on another one of your posts and find myself crying while thinking I’ve finally found someone who truly gets how I’m feeling. I’m no stranger to these blogs and rarely comment but here I am commenting for the second time in one sitting. Nothing feels real anymore. I feel as if I’m in another world all the time and it’s a frightening way to exist while knowing you are worth anyone’s time or help. I have always been self-sufficent and proactive but I’m lost and have no idea what I’m doing. I anticipate being forced to the streets once my home is foreclosed on. I know I’m not alone but I am absolutely all alone at the same time. I need help getting back up but my “family” and few “friends” tell me I don’t. There is something very wrong with me or with them. I go back and forth between these two thoughts every single day. Thank you for sharing.