I am a Christian, not a very good one, I make no claims to be a mature Christian. I am aware I have much to learn.
But, one thing I am very aware of, is the spiritual battle going on in any of us who claim Jesus to be our Saviour. I am not demonic, I am not possessed by the devil, but I know the devil tempts us.
My ‘critical inner voice’ started young in childhood. The message I got growing up, was that I am bad, responsible for anything bad, even responsible for my siblings abuse.
I was highly depressed as a teenager and tried to end my life. I fully believe this was the work of the devil, wanting me to do this.
I am aware this was still continuing throughout my life, with many period of depression, period of suicide ideation and believing the world to be so bad, it wasn’t worth living.
Having PTSD, means this is even harder to fight. Suicide is a common eventuality in PTSD sufferers. 22 combat soldiers commit suicide per day in the USA. More soldiers die from PTSD, than die in combat.
I am fully aware there are physical effects of PTSD on the brain, but I am aware this is coupled with the spiritual battle going on if you are brave enough to claim Jesus is your Lord and Saviour, particularly in a public way. The devil does not like this, at all.
I have prayed for protection from these suicidal thoughts, and I have not had them for several months, despite feeling of distress so painful they feel unbearable.
But, praise God, He never fails me, I have not felt any thoughts of suicide since that prayer.
I still struggle with believing in humanity, when I see so much sin, good men sinning, not taking appropriate actions. I clearly see this fallen world for what it is and it is highly depressing.
But, again, I also know this is what Satan wants, so I have to fight it, pray more and know the protection promised by God, will keep me going, keep me safe, keep my family safe.
I can never thank God enough for all He has done to keep me safe, through suicide attempts, through times of vile, prolonged abuse, torturous abuse that would have killed many people, through my terrible childhood. But, I am alive and I know this is entirely God’s love, God’s mercy, God’s grace.
I am a Child Of God, even when I fail Him, even when Christians fail me – failing God in the process.
I can never have enough and sufficient praise for God. I can never understand the depths of His love for us sinful people.
But, I do know he does love us, unendingly.
Keeping my eyes and thoughts on Jesus, is what I need to do and have more discernment, as to whether I am grieving, or being tempted by Satan.
But, like I said, I am not a very good Christian. Yet. But, at least I know it, unlike many Christians.