Throughout my life, I have endured harm, and been told to keep quiet. Been threatened about what will happen if I don’t.
Everyone has always wanted me to keep quiet and not speak up, not defend myself, not say – this is not okay.
Bad things will happen if you speak up – was what they all said in the past. I was taught that bad things are already happening, but if you speak up, worse things will happen.
As a child when hearing this, I was terrified.
Terrified I would be taken away from my parents if I spoke up about the sexual abuse.
That was his threat that kept me quiet.
Terrified my mother would be angry if I spoke up, about all the things I got told to keep quiet about.
My mother’s potential anger and more abandonment, kept me quiet.
Terrified my life would end if I spoke up when in the captivity abuse. I learned to do as I was told, so I got hurt less, most of the time.
His threats to kill me, kept me quiet.
There were all people who told me they loved me. Told me I was special.
Special enough to be their victims.
This has been a common theme, I was easily scared. I was vulnerable and they knew it. I was an easy target, easy to prey on. Wide open for anyone to abuse and I was throughout my entire childhood, from birth.
I never learned good boundaries with people. I let anyone do anything they wanted. In return for some love. Love was what I wanted. Abuse was what I got.
This has happened recently too, with someone I loved. Still love. Was like family to me. But, I got hurt, used, lied to, lied about. I spoke up, defended myself for the first time in my life, and I got hurt more. Much more.
Yet again, it was true what I was told as a child.
If you speak up, you get hurt more.