Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

A journey to healing from complex trauma.

People always want me to stay quiet.

8 Comments

Throughout my life, I have endured harm, and been told to keep quiet. Been threatened about what will happen if I don’t.

Everyone has always wanted me to keep quiet and not speak up, not defend myself, not say – this is not okay.

Bad things will happen if you speak up – was what they all said in the past. I was taught that bad things are already happening, but if you speak up, worse things will happen.

As a child when hearing this, I was terrified.

Terrified I would be taken away from my parents if I spoke up about the sexual abuse.
That was his threat that kept me quiet.

Terrified my mother would be angry if I spoke up, about all the things I got told to keep quiet about.
My mother’s potential anger and more abandonment, kept me quiet.

Terrified my life would end if I spoke up when in the captivity abuse. I learned to do as I was told, so I got hurt less, most of the time.
His threats to kill me, kept me quiet.

There were all people who told me they loved me. Told me I was special.

Special enough to be their victims.

This has been a common theme, I was easily scared. I was vulnerable and they knew it. I was an easy target, easy to prey on. Wide open for anyone to abuse and I was throughout my entire childhood, from birth.

I never learned good boundaries with people. I let anyone do anything they wanted. In return for some love. Love was what I wanted. Abuse was what I got.

This has happened recently too, with someone I loved. Still love. Was like family to me. But, I got hurt, used, lied to, lied about. I spoke up, defended myself for the first time in my life, and I got hurt more. Much more.

Yet again, it was true what I was told as a child.

If you speak up, you get hurt more.

Author: Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

I am a survivor of complex and multiple trauma and abuse, who at the age of 40, began my healing journey. I am using my journey to recovery and healing, to help others, to help survivors feel less alone, validated, encouraged and to enable others to understand themselves more. Complex trauma, particularly from severe, prolonged childhood abuse, is profoundly life changing. Complex trauma produces complex adults. The journey to recovery is a painful, often lonely, emotional daily challenge and it is my aim to encourage others in their daily battle. ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

8 thoughts on “People always want me to stay quiet.

  1. Life it seems, is never easy, no matter who you are. And yes, sometimes speaking up is definitely the hard thing, but as you get older, you soon cease to care when you hear the “bad” stuff, and all that matters is that you were brave enough to have your own voice heard regardless!

  2. Stay strong. Maybe try saying no to people when it will not hurt you, like at a store. I think that you are brave. From my experience, old messages are hard to erase.

  3. I know the lessons I have learned over the last few months, were actually worth the pain of the situation of hurt caused. I still needed to stand up for myself, and say – ‘no this is not okay, I will not let you lie about me and I will not let you put the blame on me’. My integrity to honesty was tested and proven and my new found self worth to not accept blame, even if that means I lose people, was needed. I will be blogging about this later 🙂

  4. You’re pretty hard on yourself here. You were a child; it wasn’t your choice. You can’t blame yourself for not speaking up. You did what you had to do to survive. The trick is not doing the same as an adult. I’m still working on it. It’s hard not to blame yourself, but you survived, which proves you are strong. You are not alone.

  5. Thank you and yes, you are right, all of what happened when I was a child, was not my fault. As an adult, I have the choice, the choice to stand up for myself and I needed to learn to do this recently and I was encouraged to by my doctor and counsellor who fully supported me. I learned how to say – ‘I refuse to let you blame me for your own sins and use my life, my trauma, my PTSD as an excuse’. I also learned this does not necessarily create a fair, just result. People are weak, they lie, they deny, they attack and they defend themselves, especially when they have more to lose. Once, this fear in them about the possibility of losing what they hold so critically important to themselves – image, ego, then the person they have hurt – no longer matters. I have also learned not to trust everyone with everything, and listen more to my own strong ability to work people out – as these skills are really accurate. I have also learned that staying angry, hurts. I have learned understanding people’s lack, compassion, forgiveness and grace are needed. Sometimes, walking away from those who have hurt you, who are unable due to their lack to deal with a situation fairly, is the best thing to do, for them, as well as for me. My ability to have compassion, can be greater than their need for image and ego.

    • It’s interesting to me that we all deal with it in different ways. I spoke up, but I wasn’t believed. I don’t trust at all and I still blame myself a little bit too, so my advice not to blame yourself is slightly hypocritical. 🙂

      • Trust is a major issue of mine and will continue to be, but I know the way to learn to trust in a healthy way, is to start slowly, just with a little but, see how that goes for a while, then a little more, but never give anyone more than they need to know.
        I’ve made huge mistakes in telling people far too much, something I badly regret, but I am not going to be hard on myself, because their failure, is not my guilt to own.
        So, I have learned the hard way, which is okay, it’s mistakes I won’t be repeating.
        Trust is a fragile thing, once gone for me, that’s it done.
        I have learned if people can hurt you once, they can do it again, something my highly protective self will not allow.
        Hurt me once, their mistake, hurt me again, my mistake.
        I have learned how to place the blame, shame and fault with the one responsible for it and I no longer allow people to blame me for their actions.
        This though, has taken me a very long time, therapy and a work of God to achieve.
        I spent a very long time blaming myself and allowing others to blame me for things that were not mine to own. And I know how that feels, it is so horrible and makes you feel worthless and I’ve hated myself.
        But, we are never to blame for other people’s actions. Ever.
        Only our own.

      • Yeah, trust is huge. It’s nearly impossible for me to trust someone completely. It’s also really hard not to blame myself, but we need to remember that we were children. Not only did we have no choice, but we didn’t have the capacity to deal with it like adults. I’m still working on it myself. Blogging has been a godsend because I can share while still having a wall. Stay strong. 🙂