Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

A journey to healing from complex trauma.

What I have learned over the last four painful, emotional months.

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My hyper vigilance skills are accurate and I know why. I needed them to survive. These skills have turned into excellent discernment skills when I know people and have studied them, as I do, unconsciously.

My integrity to my values, when severely tested, are maintained.

Even when I could publicly vindicate myself of any wrong doing, I didn’t, because it would have been the wrong thing to do.

I can maintain my integrity to God and myself, even in the face of adversity and when tempted to take action that would be self serving, but hurt a greater good.

My honesty, when tested severely, was proven to be a very strong virtue. I don’t elaborate and can stick 100% to the truth, even while others lie, deny and attack.

I can ask for help from those who I know have my best interests at heart, reaching out when things get really hard and they will help me. I can trust some people to have good intentions, even when so many in my life, haven’t.

I know to have self worth to stand up for myself, to say something is not okay and maintain my respect and virtues.

I can stand up for myself, even if it means I will lose people I love and that my fear of abandonment needed dealing with. I lost people I love, but I will survive.

I have learned that in standing up for myself, I cannot control the outcome and I cannot expect good actions of others, only of myself.

I have learned my fear of abandonment has made me continually accept blame and shame in the past that wasn’t mine to own, and that I have broken this pattern of fear driven behaviour.

I can walk away, when I know a situation is beyond my control, take advice of others, and not expect justice to occur and not stay trapped in the anger of lack of justice.

I have learned to understand people are limited in ways that I am not, and I am limited in ways others are not.

I have learned to accept people’s limitations, because they can do no better.

I know my limitations and I know my need for safety will continue to be paramount, as I am unable to wish away my PTSD.

I know when hurt by those I love, I struggle badly with my emotions and how better to handle these intense emotions.

I have learned when triggered to hurt caused in the past, the pain is intense and how to handle this.

I know I get triggered badly by being told things that mirror the lies I was told in the past. Like I am bad and deserve the hurt I get.

I have learned that people can and often will let you down.

I have learned I do not need to tell everyone, everything about me, because this places me in a situation of vulnerability, which can and has been used against me.

I have learned people come into your life for a reason, for a season and sometimes they are not meant to stay, because God has better planned.

I have learned, the more I trust God, the more I am protected by his amour of protection and I have a deep yearning to learn all I can in God’s word and fill myself up with wisdom and knowledge I crave for.

I have learned I have the ability to put myself in other people’s shoes and see their life through their eyes and feel what they felt. And have compassion for misery and pain they were suffering, to need to cause pain and suffering to others, to me.

I am learning forgiveness and grace are truly very difficult when you have PTSD, this battles against the PTSD brain, that wants to protect at all costs, but is something when prayed for, can begin.

I am learning that love, compassion, mercy, forgiveness, grace are needed and why.

I am learning I need to tame my tongue and not act in haste when hurt and be patient in suffering.

Most of all, I am learning how badly I fail, when I don’t act in any way Jesus would approve of and how I want my heart to continue to be changed and even when it seem to be for my own good, it always is.

God has gifted me with so much and through all trials, there are always many lessons that needed learning, heart changing that is for my good, and for God’s purposes.

Author: Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

I am a survivor of complex and multiple trauma and abuse, who at the age of 40, began my healing journey. I am using my journey to recovery and healing, to help others, to help survivors feel less alone, validated, encouraged and to enable others to understand themselves more. Complex trauma, particularly from severe, prolonged childhood abuse, is profoundly life changing. Complex trauma produces complex adults. The journey to recovery is a painful, often lonely, emotional daily challenge and it is my aim to encourage others in their daily battle. ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

2 thoughts on “What I have learned over the last four painful, emotional months.

  1. Well said! I’m just starting my journey. I hope soon to be where you are. I have no idea how to handle the triggers yet. I don’t have an official dx yet for complex PTSD. I am having difficulty with intrusions (just the same events that have significantly impacted the 4F’s and abandonment and fear) and the shame. my friend confirmed that I always preface a negative thought with “I’m just stupid right now so…” or trying to not express a negative thought by saying “It’s just stupid. nevermind.” I never realized why I did it before! now, I’m realizing why and noticing the toxic messages internally.

    Thank you for these words. it is such an encouragement!

    • I’m glad you are seeking help and you have support, that is so important.

      You will be unlikely to get a formal diagnosis of Complex PTSD, although the new DMS V, does have an added section added to PTSD, to better clarify the more complex symptoms. ‘Complex PTSD is not fully recognised as a diagnosis, but most well informed trauma experts all fully agree it absolutely exists.

      Belief systems growing up are something I have been working on and I am in the long process of learning new ones.

      Also having the ability to stand up for myself, not accept blame and shame for things that are not mine to feel, or own.

      Triggers are really hard, but learning to identify them, as much as is possible is good and avoiding them until the PTSD is strongly managed, is important.

      I find emotional flashbacks the hardest to avoid and manage.

      It is good when us survivors can gain some understanding from each other. Very validating!