I am aware I am a really strong person, I had to be to survive all I have. I am aware God created me with a level of courage and strength that would ensure I survived horrendous things.
It is entirely through God’s grace and love that I am here, in one piece, able to deal with my PTSD, and getting up every morning to deal with what many couldn’t. And I know God has purpose in me, in using that for good.
This strength and courage, plus added highly skilled hyper vigilance required to survive, means I can spot weakness in people, I can sense when things are not right and are not being dealt with appropriately.
I can sense when people are acting in self serving, self motivated ways and I can especially spot weakness in men.
I have been dealing with weak men all my life, I have SO much experience with weak men, of many different kinds, that I know it, I just sense it, fully. It like radar and it’s accurate.
God knows I need strong men, men that can be trusted, men of courage and integrity in my life, and I know recent events have revealed so clearly, the men who are none of these things.
Weak men who hide out in Churches, defending each others sins, failing to act appropriately, hiding behind scripture, proving themselves even further to be weak, lack courage and this is something I will never accept is okay.
I accept people can be weak, but I do not accept men’s weakness when it comes to hurting women. When men don’t have the balls to apologise and own their sins, my protection mode is firmly on, and praise God for giving me this ability to sense it, not accept it and walk away from it.
Weak men stick together, weak men can’t handle strong women, weak men fail, hopelessly when faced with something tough, especially when their masculinity, their ego’s, their image, their fakeness is exposed.
Walking away and leaving them to each other, to boost each others ego’s, to project blame, to be in denial of their failings, is all you can do, because weak people are not capable of any better. Their lack, their weakness, is all they are capable of.
I was warned, by strong, mature Christians women of what would happen, they have seen it all happen before, but being still fairly new to Church, this hopeful part of me, needed to see what would happen and yep….they were right. Sinful people stick together, there is bullying – in subtle ways – like failure to take action and it often occurs when they are challenged, exposed.
Trusting men, is a really sensitive area for me. I’ve had many men use me, hurt me, abuse me, to varying degrees. But, I am stronger than them all, because I survived it, and I am still strong and weak men don’t like this strength. It intimidates them, annoys them, irritates them, threatens them.
But, I am glad when these weaknesses are exposed, when they are understood and truly, all you can do is feel sorry for them and remember – not all men are weak, but I will flush out the ones that are.
There are many good men, men who can be trusted, with integrity, who can lead well, strongly, with courage and wisdom, and it’s my job to find a Church led by such men, and allow Jesus to guide this.
It takes courage to walk away, with the full knowledge of the situation and start again, but courage is something I have and protection from God, has been evident all through my life.
I am loved, protected, chosen and cherished and God will ensure my family and I find the people we truly deserve and need in our lives.
That I am totally trusting of and this brings me such peace.