Staying angry, is easier, because when the anger fades, the pain it is replaced with, feels unbearable.
From the age of 20 – 40, I successfully avoided dealing with any of my past. I suppressed, minimized, ignored and avoided all thoughts, or emotions associated with it.
When I met my husband at 30, I told him very little about my past, he knew there was abuse and child abuse and someone went to prison, and that was pretty much it.
Dealing with my past, and not just the memories, but all the pain, suffering, abandonment depression and toxic shame that goes with it, is overwhelmingly painful.
So, since last year, when my brain was unable to suppress it any longer, I have had no option but think about my past and deal with it, both the memories and the emotions connected to it.
I’ve managed to stop feeling angry at the people who caused the abuse, but I cycle around between anger and depression/grief and shame of the abuse that was caused. It goes around in a circle – I feel depression, I feel shame, I feel grief, then I feel angry, then back to depression.
I know the depression is the anger suppressed. I know the grief is so overwhelmingly painful, that I cannot cope with it, so it’s easier to feel angry.
And it just cycles around and around.
I don’t know how to get off the merry-go-round of pain, sadness, shame and grief.
I know that when I start to feel too much emotion, it either triggers more pain from the past, or I just numb out – but the numbing out is getting less.
It’s even the same with more recent hurt caused, I cycle between anger, betrayal, depression, grief and then back to anger.
It is exhausting.
I know I use the internet a lot, to try to avoid these emotions. I know I’m still trying to avoid ‘feeling’ any of it in a deeper way, because I don’t think I can cope with feeling anything worse than I already do.
PTSD avoidance is truly a big symptom.
Sucks. Really sucks.