Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

A journey to healing from complex trauma.


My motorbike phobia and how I am changing this.

I hate motorbikes. They are huge triggers for me and I know this, so I know I have to work on it.

Just like my gun phobia. I still think is so ironic that my husband is now a cop and carries a gun. I know this is good though, as I have to deal with that phobia too.

My issue with motorbikes, is deep rooted in fear and danger.

The psychopath who went to prison, was into bikes in a big way. For many reasons – he liked speed, he liked ignoring law, he liked following people on them, he liked using them to drive fear into me. Continue reading

Having a little humour does help. And it is healing.

I have had a situation on my community support page blow up about my humour.

I wrote a post there which stated;

‘Anyone know and good self help books for narcissism’. Yes this is a joke.

This received great response from most people, as most people on my page have been hurt and abused by people on the narcissistic/sociopath spectrum.

I rarely post jokes, but occasionally I do, to remind people to find the light hearted side of life. Continue reading


A very powerful poem, about toxic shame from childhood abuse.

I had to share this, as this is one of the most powerful poems, regarding toxic shame I have read.

It is by Leo Booth/John Bradshaw

My Name Is Toxic Shame

I was there at your conception
In the epinephrine of your mother’s shame
You felt me in the fluid of your mother’s womb
I came upon you before you could speak
Before you understood
Before you had any way of knowing
I came upon you when you were learning to walk
When you were unprotected and exposed
When you were vulnerable and needy
Before you had any boundaries
MY NAME IS TOXIC SHAME Continue reading

I am going to buy myself things that were special from my childhood.

The only thing I have from my childhood, are my ballet certificates. These have a huge emotional and God connection for me.

Ballet and dance, were a gift from God, to help me cope through the child sexual abuse I was enduring. God knew I had no-one to help me, no-one would help me once the abuse stopped. So, He gave me my passion and talent for dance and it became a very necessary coping ability for me then and throughout my life. Continue reading


‘In the lands of gods and monsters, I was an angel, living in the garden of evil.’


This is a line from one of my favourite songs from one of my favourite singers, Lana Del Rey.

Her songs, the deep meaning in them, mirrors my past, my abuse. They have been a part of my healing.

These songs are not Godly songs at all. But they represent a huge part of my life, when there were no Godly people.

I grew up surrounded by evil, I was abused, horrifically, over prolonged periods of time, by several people.

I have a picture of me when I was little, about 3 years old. I was so cute, white blond curly hair, huge eyes, chubby cheeks. I looked like an angel. And I was. Continue reading


Narcissists will always find an excuse for their actions.

I grew up with narcissists, I know how they operate, how they think, and their deep need to always deflect blame, excuse their sinful behaviour.

I am currently dealing with a narcissist, who tried to use the excuse that ‘transference’ was why he acted so highly inappropriately with me, as a pastor, in a counselling situation.

I have been thinking more about this whole situation – the bad relationship he has with his own parents, the issues with his brother and how I have always believed there was more to that family situation than I know.

I have had considerable abuse in my life, and I have had soft boundaries. This man pushed way past many boundaries as a pastor and as a friend, deliberately, knowingly and then when he’d been caught out by his wife, dealt with the situation at the time badly and with no concern about me, only about himself. Continue reading


NEWSFLASH!!!! So the Pope has said he won’t judge gay people…..

This was in the news headlines today – as if this is something new to Christianity – this issue of ‘judging’ people. People they don’t even know personally.

Yes, we all do it and we would be liars if we said we didn’t.

But, I don’t judge someone because they are gay.

I assess people for their character and their heart.

I accept differences in people, I know I am not perfect and sin is sin, so who am I to judge someone for being gay, or tell them they are wrong.

If you are gay, that is between you and God, nothing to do with me. Continue reading


So far, with regard to my formal complaint, I’m not impressed.

I have a formal complaint of spiritual abuse by a Baptist pastor.

People have been appointed to investigate my complaint and I have to ‘approve’ them.

As I suspected would occur – only Baptist people have been selected, which does not lend itself to a fair and unbiased investigation, so I have requested someone from outside of the Baptist church be included.

I have also checked out a senior pastor who has been selected and his Church is the closest to the Church the one I am complaining about, and the pastor I have complained about – his best friends are friends with this senior pastor who has been selected. Continue reading

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Reaching out – to thousands every day.

I am someone who has always had a serving heart. It started young, I was my siblings caretaker and my mothers caretaker and because I didn’t know any different, I didn’t know it wasn’t my job, I did it because I loved them and I knew they needed caretaking.

I’ve always been someone who wants to help people, not myself. I’ve had to work on considering myself as worthy of self care and worthy of receiving love and care.

I started a Facebook community page about healing from complex trauma, because I know what it’s like to have no-one. I know what it’s like to have no support, no-one who cares, no family who care and to be treated like someone who isn’t worthy of love, care, empathy, or kindness.

Knowing the depths of pain this can cause, along with severe suffering, gives me considerable empathy and compassion and a need to want to reach out to people who may also be experiencing this. Continue reading

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A real friend – doesn’t think of themselves, or just do what’s expected.

I am someone who thinks a lot. Deeply. I am a good friend to have, a real one.

I used to attend a Church, who do the usual Church roster meals for people who have just had a baby.

I know there will be different reasons people provide a meal, some because they genuinely care, some because they want to look nice to other people, some because you have to – it’s what’s expected.

A person who I had tried to become good friends with, but I always held back on getting close to (because I realise now my narc radar was on alert), was having a baby a few years ago. Continue reading