Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

A journey to healing from complex trauma.

First EMDR session, and well…………wow!!!

My first EMDR session, was very delayed. It was supposed to start in February, but due to some very painful spiritual abuse going on, I had to delay all my trauma counselling.

My first session had to be about a trauma, but starting off with a ‘minor’ one. Minor being something that some people would consider massive trauma. But, my trauma history is so severe, that spiritual abuse from some highly narcissistic liars, with serious bad heart issues, is at the least severe end of my trauma spectrum

So, my first EMDR session was about some pretty nasty and abusive comments said to me at a mediation with these very non godly people. The comments they made, were deliberate – to provoke me and trigger me as they know my triggers. Such is their depths of need to protect their image and ego’s and job’s – they knew exactly what to say – it was planned, and said with absolute intent to cause harm.

One of the things said, was to call me demonic. Now this is a ‘pastor’ saying this – at a mediation – in front of witnesses – in front of his boss. Stupid – oh yes he is indeed, but also it had the desired affect – he knew I have been called bad and blamed for so much abuse in my life – so to call me demonic, because I have the courage, guts, honesty and integrity to expose his sins, his abuse, his lies, his bad heart – was seriously disgusting of him. No wonder I was told the next day these people needed to do work in counselling on their heart issues.

And he was angry when he said the demonic reference. He is weak, insecure man, who hates to be told what to do, or that he’s wrong. And he projects this weakness and insecurity onto others, by being a pastor.

So, the angry, nasty way it was said, the provocation, the insinuation that what I had exposed was in someway ‘my fault’ – that what he did, breaking all the rules – knowingly, massive boundary violations, actions that were clearly not brotherly, clearly with adulterous intent – somehow was ‘my fault’, upset me greatly. And he knew it would.

He knows I have wrestled with the whole ‘God must hate me issue’. He knew I went through a highly emotional time trying to equate a loving God with so much abuse and suffering. He knows I have been called evil and had religious people tell me the reason so much abuse happened to me is because I am evil and have their evil inside me.

He also knows I got blamed for everything by my parents, by my family, got blamed at 12 for my sisters abuse. I have had considerable psychological abuse from my own family and they scape goated me for anything they could.

So, being blamed, being called bad, being called evil, after all I have been through – is more spiritual abuse. In fact it is spiritual abuse, regardless of my past.

And this is a man, who I completely trusted. Because of his job. Stupidly and naively I assumed he could be trusted, would be honest because he was a pastor. I wanted him to be a man I could trust. But he wasn’t.

I was shocked at the mediation, the levels these people could stoop to, the lies, the denial and the accusations. The wife stated I had ‘attacked her children’ – again said deliberately and knowingly that I would react to that. They know I love children and would never hurt one. And I love their children and they know that too. But their game plan which became obvious and not just to me, was to attack me with lies and hurt as much as possible, to deflect away from their own sins.

The demonic reference hurt. Badly. It basically said that I am evil. I am to blame for everything.

So, the mediation was about that. And my counsellor prayed before hand, asking for Jesus to guide the EMDR and bring about whatever memory was needed to process this hurt and for His truth to be revealed.

I was not expecting what happened at all. My counsellor said very little throughout the EMDR, as she explained beforehand. It was all my brain and what’s stored away in there.

My brain did in fact bring back a memory which I did not remember until then, of my step father shouting and I was very scared and alone.

During the process (which was an hour), I saw Jesus then being with me, with me at the mediation, with me as a child. He told me I was not to blame for why we were at the mediation.

At the end, I was able to say to these people I was not to blame, they were, and say it calmly, with Jesus having his arm around me. I felt safe, I felt okay and calm. Then as I saw myself walking away from the mediation, with Jesus still with his arm around me, I was a child again and Jesus also told me and He said, I was not to blame for what happened when I was a child. (I have goose bumps now writing this).

After the EMDR finished, I felt okay, even though I had been crying in the first half, when I first remembered myself as girl, scared and alone.

I had expected to be an emotional mess at the end, but I wasn’t, I was calm and I had no anxiety, which was also not what I anticipated would happen at all. My counsellor said it all went extremely well. Praise God!

I truly did not expect what happened and I am someone with many words, but I was speechless afterwards.

I just said ‘wow’.

I am still shocked, I am still not really able to express fully what happened.

But, I absolutely know I want more EMDR and I absolutely know Jesus was present throughout. Praise God and thank you Lord.

And what became so abundantly clear, was I am not to blame. For anything that happened as a child, or any of the events leading up to that mediation.

So, the EMDR is processing this and enabled me to know ‘exactly’ who is to blame and I will continue processing that for a while. I do have a headache today, which is no doubt the EMDR still working. But, I feel calm, I feel relaxed and I feel okay.

And very re-assured that what I am doing, with the formal complaint about these spiritual abusers, is absolutely needed.

Because the blame is all theirs.


Author: Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

I am a survivor of complex and multiple trauma and abuse, who at the age of 40, began my healing journey. I am using my journey to recovery and healing, to help others, to help survivors feel less alone, validated, encouraged and to enable others to understand themselves more. Complex trauma, particularly from severe, prolonged childhood abuse, is profoundly life changing. Complex trauma produces complex adults. The journey to recovery is a painful, often lonely, emotional daily challenge and it is my aim to encourage others in their daily battle. ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

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