Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

A journey to healing from complex trauma.


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New memories, what will they uncover.

I was the result of an affair my mother had with a married man and so she was a single mother.

When I was looking through photos once, I came across photos of these people and she said they were people she left me with when I was a baby, while she went to work in another City for a period of months.

My mother clearly made very poor choices when it came to men and friends, my step father and all his circle of pervert friends, were disgusting people and she knew this.
I’ve often wondered about these people she left me with as a baby and were they also disgusting people. It is a big responsibility looking after someone’s child, and my mother didn’t say they were close friends. Continue reading


Why I know I suffered so badly and for so long.

It’s good to reflect back to some of my older posts and see how I was processing everything and understanding what I now know is God’s plan for me, part of that being to help others, with a level of insight and understanding of the worst emotions and situations to be in.

Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

(This was a post I put on my Facebook community page, dated 27/04/13)

I used to think it was horrendous that I know the depths of pain people who are in unbearable pain can be in and the worst emotions and thoughts that can cause.

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10 signs of a narcissistic pastor and wow – are they a perfect description.

I just found this article and it couldn’t be more perfect in describing the narcissistic pastor that I have been spiritually abused by.

The following is from the link at the end.

Peter Steinki, a prolific author and church ministry consultant, has working with hundreds of churches and pastors in the last 40 years. He once worked with 65 pastors who had affairs and found that narcissism lay at the root of most of those failures. These pastors’ need for others to value them and their need to feel important led them to sexualize their desires. Their narcissistic tendencies led them to moral failure.

Based on my experience with others and upon the insight of others like Steinki, I believe that if a pastor shows signs of narcissism and doesn’t admit them and seek help, he has doomed himself to failure. The narcissistic pastor lives with an inflated sense of self-importance and an insatiable drive to be liked and to be at the center of attention. Satan will capitalize on these traits and tempt him to compromise his morals and values. A narcissistic pastor will create a false self to cover his fear of humiliation. Exposure to the real person is anathema to him. Steinki says that a narcissistic pastor’s drive to avoid disclosure often results in these kinds of behaviour.

1.Rage if he experiences shame for shame exposes his true self.

2.An inordinate need for praise in order to feel important.

3.The feeling of entitlement to special treatment.

4.The immense need for continual feedback of how important he is.

5.The feeling of superiority and its reinforcement from others.

6.Strong reaction to rejection and disapproval, sometimes with intense rage.

7.The lack of the capacity to mourn, a defense against depression.

8.Calculating and conniving behavior to “maintain” supplies of continuous adulation.

9.An impaired capacity for commitment.

10.No capacity for self-focus or self-examination. Continue reading


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God’s perfect plan, in His perfect timing, always. A perfect example.

Last year, I was in a really low place, I knew I needed to talk about my past and deal with it, the one thing I had tried so hard to avoid for the previous 20 years and I was terrified.

Spiritual abuse occurred from a pastor, who had stated his intentions were pastoral counselling, but that wasn’t his intentions at all.

It led to the guilt him and his wife had – for making my very fragile situation last year even worse – in finding me a professional counsellor to deal with my past. And the Church paying for it for several months – which they made out was just to help ‘me’ when really it was for ‘their’ guilt, because they knew they what they had done was so wrong. And it made them look good, as their image is their top priority.

I was a complete mess. Barely functioning and terrified of what was happening to me.

The counselling centre the pastor suggested, was directed by a very professional, well known, very mature Christian woman, who is now my doctor and currently my counsellor for all this spiritual abuse and is supporting me 100% in the formal complaint that is underway. Continue reading


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Still having those ‘wow’ moments! Is this really me…?

My facebook page continues to increase in numbers and I know the posts there really help people. They get shared a lot, which is good.

Most PTSD websites only talk about the most basic of PTSD symptoms, like anxiety, flashbacks and nightmares.

I have noticed I have doctors and mental health professionals sharing my posts confirming the info has a depth of understanding of complex trauma and PTSD that is unusual. Mental health organisations are interested in my information and using it to help them understand PTSD and Complex PTSD more, so they can better assist their clients. Continue reading