Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

A journey to healing from complex trauma.


Father’s Day tomorrow. Never an easy day.

Father’s Day has always been a hard day, as well as Mother’s Day. It comes with the territory of having had abusive and neglectful parents who caused considerable emotional, scape goat and mental abuse.

This last 12 months, I have had to come to terms with the reality of my childhood, what my parents were, the highly dysfunctional and abusive dynamics and it has been very painful.

To know I have been totally abandoned by my biological father and had an abusive relationship with my step father, who basically had a circle of abuser friends, has been a hard journey, with much grieving. Continue reading


I very real poem, by a very real, beautiful and honest heart.

Olika Castillo

My heart’s been crushed by his abuse

But can you feel it?

I mask my bruises under makeup

But can you see them?


My voice is silent when I scream

Please tell me it’s an awful dream

Awake me please or I’ll let go

Into the darkness I will fall.


I hear his footsteps coming close

But can you hear them?

My heart is beating uncontrolled

I can’t defeat him…


Surrender to his strength I will

And numb away the pain I feel

No point in screaming out for help

The more I fight, the more I’m dealt.


I used to feel safe in this place

Now victimized in your sick ways

I want to run away from here

Somehow you have me chained in fear.


You walk inside and close the door

By hair you pull me to the floor

I shut my eyes…

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Amazes me how many acccurate memories of ‘red flags’ my hyper vigilant brain stores.

I have had hyper vigilance since childhood, I needed it due to ongoing abuse.

I don’t remember being any other way.

I’ve always studied people, assessed them, picked up on all the subtle and covert cues for working out people’s intentions, when their words and image don’t match, pick up when people’s behaviours change.

My short term memory has always been shocking and I guess my brain has prioritised what it needs to function for – survival.

I’m sure there is some medical, neurological explanation, but I am speaking from a person’s perspective who has hyper vigilance and how it works to me.

Every ‘red flag’ moment in people’s behaviours, are stored away and can be remembered whenever something triggers that. Continue reading


The hypocritical pastor telling others to repent, when he can’t even tell the truth, let alone repent.

The associate pastor I have formally complained about, is one that likes to tell others to repent, yet he can’t even tell the truth, let alone repent.

He told us once about a couple who contacted the Church, wanting to get married. They weren’t Church goers but just wanted to get married in Church. They had met whilst married to other people, ‘fell in love’, left their respective spouses, and then wanted to get married.

This pastor asked them if they had apologised to their former spouses for the adultery and the marriages breaking down and they stated no.

He told them, they would need to go to their former spouses and seek forgiveness first, before he would agree to marry them. They refused to do this, so he refused to marry them and they were upset and stated he was being judgemental.

I remember this ‘story’ well, because I could see the pride and the almost glee in how he could condescend to these people. He wasn’t sad for them, he was patronising in the way he spoke of it. He showed pride in his ability to ‘lord’ it over them. Continue reading

Repentance, remorse – a true Christian’s ability and virtue.

If we are true Christians, as in we have a personal relationship with Christ, are obedient to God’s will and are willing to do what is required of us, in obedience and humility, then repentance is something we will be willing to do.

It will be interesting to see the report for the formal complaint about spiritual abuse by a Church leader and what the leaders are required to do and I hope it is soon.

Within this complaint I have also highlighted and brought to their attention, how the senior leader and the Church as a whole failed, within this big test by God. A test of many issues God required exposed and I have highlighted in full.

If the report does in fact highlight all this, then as ‘Christians’, these people are meant to repent and God’s teachers are judged more harshly by God, so their failure to repent, will not be without consequence.

I wonder what their ‘repentance’ will look like? Continue reading

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My blog, shows the ultimate in ‘mindfulness’ for PTSD.

I am aware of my journey over the last 12 months, and how dramatic that has been.

From someone barely functioning, to someone so deeply aware of the importance to have God and Jesus, at the forefront of my thoughts throughout the day and I do.

My faith, occupies a large proportion of my thoughts now, which has to be the ultimate in mindfulness for a Christian!

I am glad to look back over my blogs and see the transformation, which I am only too aware being God’s healing and the work within me, within my heart, increasing my knowledge, wisdom and sometimes, it’s almost surreal to see how much has happened in 12 months. Continue reading

Pride, is one reason why seniors in a Church, cannot accept a leader is a false teacher.

Men have pride, it’s part of who they are and the Bible warns us against having pride and instead we are meant to have humility and it’s a mark of someone’s spiritual progress, as to whether they have pride, or not, whether they have humility, or not.

I have exposed a ravenous wolf, a false teacher, but those around him, can’t accept this and one reason, is pride. For many others, it’s just their ‘sheep like’ need to just ‘believe their leaders’ and fear to challenge.

The ones in senior Church positions, don’t want to have to accept that ‘they’ could not see this man for who is really is. Continue reading


It’s a popular misconception, that everyone in a Church, is a Christian.

There is much to be said about salvation and whether you can lose it.

The bigger issue, is this is all dependent on whether you are actually a ‘Christian’ to begin with, and many people who stand in Church’s, are not.

Matthew 7:14
But small is the gate and narrow the road that leads to life, and only a few find it.

These ‘few’ people, are not all those standing in a Church, or all those claiming to be a teacher of God’s Word.

Matthew 7:15
Beware of false prophets, which come to you in sheep’s clothing, but inwardly they are ravening wolves.

The analogy ‘you are no more a Christian because you stand in a Church, than you are a car if you stand in a garage’, is a poor one, because a person can never become a car, but a person can become a Christian.

But, it is true that many who stand in Church’s and in leadership of Church’s, are not in Christ, but under the domain of Satan.

The way to know if someone is in Christ, is are they in obedience to God’s will?

Christians are not perfect, but their hearts will be to sin less.

Red flags I have seen are;

* Do they keep sinning in planned ways over periods of time, yes?
* Do they repent when their sins are exposed, no?
* Do they have genuine remorse for sins that have hurt another, no?
* Are their sins abusive, yes?
* Do they lie and attack the person a person who exposes them, yes?

These are examples of behaviours that show someone is not a Christian, but is under Satan’s domain Continue reading

I am learning how to understand and have patience, with those stuck at stage 3 in spiritual progression.

I am learning all the time, as per God’s grace.

Including patience and grace.

I have learned all about God’s watchmen required for exposing false teachers/wolves in sheep’s clothing, who come often as Church leaders and are not in Christ and are not Christians, and are not saved, which is why they can lie and deceive so easily and fail to repent, as they are not in Christ.

I have also learned about the 6 stages of spiritual progression and how most Christians are stuck at stage 3, and don’t understand those how have progressed further and how this is sin that they don’t challenge leaders, or church doctrine or themselves, but to have patience with this, being grace. Continue reading


God’s appointed watchmen, take their role seriously.

“And it came to pass at the end of seven days, that the word of the LORD came unto me, saying, Son of man, I have made thee a watchman unto the house of Israel: therefore hear the word at my mouth, and give them warning from me.

When I say unto the wicked, Thou shalt surely die; and thou givest him not warning, nor speakest to warn the wicked from his wicked way, to save his life; the same wicked man shall die in his iniquity; but his blood will I require at thine hand. Yet if thou warn the wicked, and he turn not from his wickedness, nor from his wicked way, he shall die in his iniquity; but thou hast delivered THY soul. Again, when a righteous man doth turn from his righteousness, and commit iniquity, and I lay a stumbling block before him, he shall die: because thou has not given him warning, he shall die in his sin, and his righteousness which he hath done shall not be remembered; but his blood will I require at thine hand. Continue reading