Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

A journey to healing from complex trauma.

Grieving the illusion, of who I thought they were, but weren’t.


I have come to realise when grieving about some of the people who have hurt me in my life – particularly my family, my ex husband, a pastor who I wrongly trusted – I am not grieving that person – I am grieving the illusion of who I thought they were and that hurts.

Once the ‘real’ person becomes revealed – the betrayal of them not being who you thought they were, who you wanted them to be – is painful.

But, they were ‘never’ that good person – I was just fooled into believing their image, or who I wanted them to be.

I wanted to be loved, treated with respect and kindness, cared about – and they were never that.

Grieving what I wanted them to be in my life, has been painful.

But, I would rather know the truth, than be fooled. God knows how much I do not want to be fooled by Satan about anything.

We can’t heal what we don’t acknowledge and we to need to understand everything fully, for healing to occur.

And I need to have compassion with myself for being fooled by these people.

Of course I supposed to be able to expect love and kindness from my mother, from my siblings.

Of course I was supposed to able to expect love and kindness from a husband.

Of course I was supposed to be able to trust and expect honesty and good intentions from a pastor.

So, I am not going to hate myself about this, for being deceived.

I see clearly how Satan has encouraged all of these people into their abusive acts and bad hearts. Not that this in any way excuses their behaviour – it was still a choice.

I also see how Satan encouraged my trust and need for kindness and care, and although in every one of these people there were issues – I saw all the red flags, I ignored them, because I wanted them to be real, good, caring people in my life.

And I did deserve that from all of them and it was their sin and bad hearts and desire to follow evil, instead of good, that caused their abuse.

And in the case of the pastor – I am dealing with this in full with a formal complaint, because so many people – good people – are being deceived. If he wasn’t a pastor I wouldn’t be bothering. God does not want fake, false teachers and I feel strongly convicted about this. More heart issues were revealed at a mediation for a reason – and this exposed these bad hearts in a much deeper way, there was purpose in that, praise God!

They are each responsible for their own bad heart issues and I will not take on their guilt, their blame, their shame – it is all theirs to own, whether they choose to, or not.

What this has taught me – God always teaches me, He knows I am not a victim, I learn – is how to be more careful, how to give people grace and time to prove themselves and not give too much to people.

Not to ‘throw my pearls before swine, lest they trample them under their feet, and turn and tear you to pieces’ (Mat 7:6)- as my counsellor deemed the spiritual abuse situation to be.

I don’t ‘need’ a person to seek safety in anymore, I have Jesus, He is my saviour and the only One I need.

I do, however, need wise people in my life and they have been provided. I am very aware of the need for me to have wise counsel and I want to build up a group of these people in the future, and I know that will happen, God will provide them.

But, I also allow myself to grieve these people, the illusion I had of them, what I wanted and needed them to be.

It had taught me an incredible lesson – that Jesus is all I really need daily and the knowledge that my Heavenly Father loves me that much, that He wants me to learn so much, so fast.

Author: Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

I am a survivor of complex and multiple trauma and abuse, who at the age of 40, began my healing journey. I am using my journey to recovery and healing, to help others, to help survivors feel less alone, validated, encouraged and to enable others to understand themselves more. Complex trauma, particularly from severe, prolonged childhood abuse, is profoundly life changing. Complex trauma produces complex adults. The journey to recovery is a painful, often lonely, emotional daily challenge and it is my aim to encourage others in their daily battle. ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

5 thoughts on “Grieving the illusion, of who I thought they were, but weren’t.

  1. ‘ I am not grieving that person – I am grieving the illusion of who I thought they were and that hurts’, this really resonated with me.

  2. I am glad this blog has helped people, it was a moment of realisation for me that helped my healing in a vital way.

    It has enabled me to not ignore the ‘red flags’ anymore and to sit back and watch, as time often reveals whether they are genuine, or not.

    I also know now, not to ignore the red flags, as they can be my ‘narc radar’ picking up on the non genuine talk of a narcissist., which has proven to be very accurate too.