Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

A journey to healing from complex trauma.

Reflecting back on my older posts here, shows my growth. Shows how I have processed so much.

Within the last 4 months, there has been massive growth in me spiritually, and reflecting on my older posts shows this.

A few months back, I was confused still about the issue of ‘grace’.

But, now I see grace is something I can and have shown people. Without even needing to think about it, I still showed grace to people. The work of the Holy Spirit. And me being a decent person.

Grace, is not about ignoring, condoning, excusing, justifying, minimizing abuse.

Grace is about giving people the opportunity to repent, to have a heart that wants the truth and once honesty has prevailed and repentance shown, forgiveness is wanted to also be given.

Grace, is not failing to deal with a serious issue of spiritual abuse, a narcissist, a false teacher, a ravenous wolf in sheeps clothing.

God requires full repentance, God requires these people are exposed – fully, in public. It’s Biblical, for those who need scripture to back up wise decisions.

And again, I knew this without knowing the Bible references to this, the Holy Spirit again no doubt.

I pick up on narcissism with skilled accuracy and I know once a narcissists is exposed, what they are doing and why.

Grace, is not about ignoring this, walking away and letting other people be fooled and ignoring Satan at work, encouraging these narcissistic traits, lies, deceit, manipulation, failure to self reflect, incapacity to change.

At a mediation I endured, I only went there wanting to hear the truth, wanting some self reflection from people who betrayed and hurt me, people I loved.

None of this occurred and I picked up on the narcissism that was occurring and it was a painful process to understand who these people really were and I know their heart issues and narcissism was shown in this mediation for these exact reasons. So, I would deal with it and realise this whole situation was far more serious than I even believed.

At that mediation, I didn’t take anything with me other than the recent messages I had shown the senior pastor.

At that point, I hadn’t even thought about all the messages that were occurring at the time the spiritual abuse/grooming/seduction abuse was occurring.

It wasn’t my intention at the mediation, to do anything other than want to hear some truth.

I was shocked at what I heard at the mediation, I had expected some denial, but not what I heard and the anger and rage and tantrum, the pastor had. the ice cold way the wife acted and how she did all the talking and her big concern about all this, being ‘other people’ finding out who they really are.

But, when I calmed down and stepped out of the emotions, I realised there was something far more serious, far more sinister going on.

So, I went back throughout hundreds of messages, to find the ones that were occurring at the time of the abuse.

That was another massive shock to me.

As I read through them, with this new knowledge of what this man was, I felt sick, I could see the messages were so highly inappropriate and knowing this man had ‘feelings for me that should only have been for his wife’, the messages spelled out the seduction behaviour.

I was devastated again and the emotions of this and further betrayal were painful.

I trusted this man. I trusted him because of his job, he is a pastor. He knew I was vulnerable, he knew my marriage had problems, he used that for his own earthly/sexual needs, pushing for time alone with me at my home, while my husband was away, pushed for and encouraging close physical contact, including full body contact when standing up and hugging me. And these hugs were long, with me releasing them. The kind of hugs you should only have for your spouse.

His actions were not brotherly and his little term he used in the messages ‘sis’, was just his way of reeling me in, trusting him. But, I truly wanted him to be my brother.

I was told this behaviour was seduction/grooming intent. I couldn’t handle that term ‘grooming’, it is one I know well from my childhood. I made me feel physically sick.

I have shown these messages to my counsellor and she has agreed these messages do indeed show the seduction/grooming intent.

It was weeks before I could get my head around that term and that I had been ‘groomed’ again, and now have accepted it for what it was.

And I am so blessed to have my professional support help me through this. Knowing this is something they believe happened – abuse, grooming – is a blessing, as it proves what happened and it is nothing to do with my past and my PTSD – except for my vulnerability and soft boundaries – fully capitalized on my this pastor.

I know I needed time to process all this, and God provided that time, and this is why the complaint process has taken so long, for me to process the whole situation, with clarity, with understanding, with self compassion for the emotions I felt.

So, now when I reflect back on all the blogs I have written here, how I was wrestling with certain issues – like grace – I see so clearly grace is not about ignoring all this.

This all needs to be dealt with, fully, with transparency, which is why I have supplied all the messages between myself and this pastor, all 500 pages of them.

As my counsellor was going through some of these messages, she picked up on things I didn’t even see as an issue, so I have supplied them all, as proof of my honesty, my transparency and as evidence.

I wonder if the senior pastor has seen all these messages?

I wonder of the Church elders have seen all these messages?

I wonder if the pastor has been transparent and shown them to everyone, including his wife?

Maybe he has, but maybe he hasn’t.

I doubt it, as I know when I first told the senior pastor about this, I had forwarded him an email, in which I had spoken of some of the things this pastor had done. I asked the senior pastor if he already knew about the things I stated in the email. I asked this specifically to see whether the senior pastor had been told the truth. The senior pastor said no, he didn’t know about what I was referring to in the email.

At the mediation, I brought this up and the senor pastor tried to deny that, he lied, which is a heart issue and showed to me how much he would cover up for his friend, and showed me I could not trust him either.

I also noted that when I told the senior pastor about what had been going on, at the beginning his attitude was almost to try to put me off saying anything, like he expected me to lie, or just didn’t want me to tell him. He also, to date, has not asked for me to make a full account of what happened last year, didn’t ask me if there were any more messages etc. He didn’t want to know, the less I told him, the less he had to deal with.

Any decent person would know there was more to what I had told him whilst highly emotional. But, he didn’t want to know. I have sent him a link to this blog of the account of what occurred spelled out, including how he did not deal with this appropriately, showing me and my family no support and in fact being more concerned about his books being returned, than anything else. Weak and heart issues there too.

Honesty, integrity, transparency, truth, courage, deep insight, deep insight into others, self reflection, a heart for Jesus and to become all God wants me to be.

These are my virtues God has endowed me with, and these Church leaders have none of these virtues.

But, the issue of grace, is one I have clarity on now.

Grace is not about ignoring abuse and enabling it.

Author: Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

I am a survivor of complex and multiple trauma and abuse, who at the age of 40, began my healing journey. I am using my journey to recovery and healing, to help others, to help survivors feel less alone, validated, encouraged and to enable others to understand themselves more. Complex trauma, particularly from severe, prolonged childhood abuse, is profoundly life changing. Complex trauma produces complex adults. The journey to recovery is a painful, often lonely, emotional daily challenge and it is my aim to encourage others in their daily battle. ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

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