Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

A journey to healing from complex trauma.

My life, is a massive testimony to God’s love, God’s grace. But, some people’s testimony’s, are not.

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I have heard a few testimonies from women and I appreciate what some have been through, has been painful and a wonderful testimony to God.

Interestingly, I heard the testimony of the wife of the pastor that I have formally complained about.

Now, the basis of her testimony, was how she decided to give up the hope of being a professional flute player, for being a full time wife and mother.

There was little else in it, just that. And there were tears and she really showed how much she believed this was such a sacrifice.

At the time, I remembered thinking, wow, is that it?

Now reflecting on this, I can see her narcissism showing, as ‘having’ to give up her possibility of becoming a well known, flute player was massive in her life. This would have been her claim to ‘stardom’, her love of being in the spotlight, but she ‘sacrificed’ that for her family.

Being a narcissist, this would be a massive sacrifice, but I don’t believe she did that for God, she did that to look good to everyone else. The perfect wife. The perfect mother. The perfect Christian. Who gave up her dream.

And she is none of these perfect people either. But, her image is constructed well, to pretend she is all these things.

If she couldn’t be the star flute player, she will just have to be the ‘perfect pastor’s wife’ instead, and boy does she try hard to be that image.

Again, she has a spotlight position, and her and her husband, love being the ‘centre of attention’ in their roles, the ones ‘people look up to’, the authority roles and they receive the adoration they so desperately need.

I had a massive talent for dancing, I know I could have been accepted into the Royal Ballet, but do I feel this not occurring is a big issue in my life. No, I don’t.

Stardom, being on a stage, yes, it was my dream when I was a girl, but not as an adult. I grew up.

I’m glad I didn’t have that lifestyle, I don’t need stardom, to be in the spotlight. But narcissists do.

I don’t have tears for this chance of being a star – becoming my life. Not at all. This is not something I would cry about at all.

But, this woman truly believed in giving up this talent, the chance at being in the spotlight up – was in some way – a huge sacrifice.

And that is all she had to say.

That was her big moment and her testimony.

And what’s even more sad, than this, is she doesn’t realise other people can see through this, see the shallowness, see the narcissism.

But, I can. With clarity. So much of what her and her husband do, is about their narcissism.

Her testimony, did not impress me. It didn’t impress others either.

And it wouldn’t impress God.

I feel sorry for narcissists, they truly are so sad. But, as much as I feel sorry for them, I don’t have to ignore their abuse, ignore Satan delighting in encouraging them in leadership roles.

Author: Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

I am a survivor of complex and multiple trauma and abuse, who at the age of 40, began my healing journey. I am using my journey to recovery and healing, to help others, to help survivors feel less alone, validated, encouraged and to enable others to understand themselves more. Complex trauma, particularly from severe, prolonged childhood abuse, is profoundly life changing. Complex trauma produces complex adults. The journey to recovery is a painful, often lonely, emotional daily challenge and it is my aim to encourage others in their daily battle. ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

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