I am in the middle of something very difficult, a formal complaint against a pastor of a Church, regarding abuse. This situation would be devastating for anyone.
It is only through God’s grace this hasn’t broken me completely. But God never allows me to go through more than He has equipped me to deal with.
I am also in the middle of dealing with my very severe trauma history and the last 12 months have been deeply painful and God knows I need people who actually are willing to help me in a loving and others centred way, just as I would for them.
And people in my life know all this. I am very honest and open about it. That’s who I am. And I do know people have their own issues in their life, which I would be there for them through, without hesitation.
I know God is transforming my life, transforming me, and my husband, and my children. God is revealing people’s hearts in my life at the moment and for good reason. I know He needs my life reduced, to who He needs in my life.
I don’t think people are bad people if they choose to not be a real friend, I don’t think they are bad people if they choose to justify ignoring a huge painful situation going on in my life, I don’t think they are bad people for not seeing the hurt caused by failing to support me and instead choosing to remain neutral. I don’t think they are bad people if they can’t grasp ‘what would Jesus do?’
I don’t even believe they ‘have’ to be a real friend to me, but these are people I cared about a lot. But, I accept their choices, even if I don’t like them and they hurt.
Most people in life, will always do what they need to do for their own reasons, not stepping out of their needs, to consider what someone else ‘really’ needs – even when they know the person is in the middle of something very painful. People won’t risk creating ripples in their own life, to help someone, particularly when the complaint made is against a leader in a Church.
I was warned of this, I was warned by my counsellor of how Church people act in these situations, but I am ‘allowed’ to feel hurt, that not one Church person who claimed to be a friend, who claimed to care, was willing to step up and actually be a real friend and do what Jesus would have done. Not one person has even asked me ‘are you okay, I know this is painful, can I help in any way?’. And these are Church people….
One person I messaged, did acknowledge she was unable to be a friend in the way I needed and I respected that honesty and her message was kindly worded, and she is a good person, so I accept her decision.
Another person, who received the same message from me, just saw no basis for my hurt at all, felt I had no reason to question her actions, and just deflected back with accusations of slander and judgement and said I was ‘playing God’. Which I am not, I am just stating the facts – that she has completely ignored this huge issue going on in my life, as if it doesn’t exist, when I have been there for her to discuss all her problems.
I also acknowledge the Church needs help, the leadership needs help and this situation has revealed that in a truly massive way. And I feel sadness for all concerned, it is a really bad situation on many levels.
This whole Church situation has been described as tragic, as a Church out of control, as a religious Church, not a relationship with Jesus Church. Do I think most of this Church are bad, not at all, some are. But, a Church is only as good as the leadership, that I am only too aware of. I hope and I pray for them to understand what Jesus wants more. We are all a work in progress.
But, I am allowed to hurt, I am allowed to acknowledge this is painful, and learn from this. I am human, I do have feelings and emotions and what I am dealing with is a massive load.
I always learn from situations, I learn more about human behaviour, human selfishness, human weakness. Sin. And I know there will be reason why I am learning all about Church people’s behaviour in the midst of something serious. I have no doubt my understanding of all this, will be for God’s purposes.
And, I do forgive them, as I know often people are just not capable of being any other way, are not capable of being challenged. I forgive them and let them go.
Serious situations, massive challenges, are great revealers of people’s true hearts, true strength, true wisdom, true walk with Jesus, true understanding of what it is to be a Christian.
And I know I have done is what Jesus would do – challenge people, let them make their own decisions, and not force them to choose His way, over the wrong way. In fact, Jesus was hung on a cross by people not choosing to listen to him.
Do I think I am God, or Jesus, absolutely not, but I do see His actions and how He lived his life and He is my role model and I also remember clearly His words “forgive them Father, they know not what they do’. It is very powerful to remember this, people won’t always choose the way Jesus would want, but forgive them anyway.
I know God is closing doors, so I can heal more and so He can then show me what He has planned for my life and I trust in His plan for me, I know that when something is happening that hurts, to know just to ride it out, and when I look back later, I will see it is for my best.
I trust God in the midst of my hurt, I trust it is for my good. I look to what I need to learn about myself and others.
I also trust God to work on the hearts and lives of other people, although I do see clearly that you actually need to be someone willing to grow, and often people aren’t, or are just not ready and that’s okay too. I trust God in their lives. I continue to pray for people, not hold onto the hurt.
I do have some real friends and I truly value them and cherish them. It’s not often you meet people you can call your real friend, who will ‘really’ be there for you when the shit hits the fan, but when you have them, hold onto them tightly.
I always know – when something painful is happening that needs to happen, because although it hurts, I feel at peace with the outcome, even when that outcome is not the one I wanted.
It’s like I am being told ‘it’s okay my child, I have different for you, what ‘you’ need, just trust me’.