Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

A journey to healing from complex trauma.

Amazing Grace. So much is becoming clearer and clearer in my life.


The song Amazing Grace is becoming more and more of an emotional song for me, because I see others are blind and can’t see what I can. I see why this song is so relevant to me now, as well as being an emotional connection from my past.

I am also aware there are things I am no doubt still blind to and I want to know what they are, so I can grow further, I don’t want to be blind to anything, as I see how that causes sin and hurt and pain.

People are blind, blind to narcissism, blind to their own lack of spiritual development and it’s sad, because they are blind to the lies they are being told. And I don’t want that for them, I want them to have the depth of clarity I have as to the deep negative consequences of narcissism in leadership, how I know narcs mostly don’t change and how they are driven by their own needs, hindered by their development stuck in young childhood and the consequences to this are not just what I endured with the spiritual abuse, but there will be other consequences that are not spiritually healthy for that Church and it makes me sad and angry as Satan is taking great pleasure in this.

But, ‘I’ cannot save them and protect them from this, although I want to because that is a the caretaker in me, so all I can do is tell them, challenge them, supply evidence and let God do the rest.

I see further now why I have been compared to being one of God’s Watchmen, because God needs people with depth of wisdom, developed in spiritual faith, with emotional integrity and an understanding of the deeper picture in what is occurring, and I need to leave the understanding I have, to Him, because I can’t force anyone to understand what they are not capable of cognitively processing.

Twelve months ago, I didn’t understand any of this, so I too have been cognitively and spiritually less developed.

I also understand these abilities are not to be considered as me being ‘better’ than anyone else, I’m not, just gifted by God with certain strengths that He will use wisely and I need to use wisely, with humility and not in a condescending or patronising way, as that is not going to help God and I don’t ever want to be holding Satan’s hand along my journey and I want my eyes opened to my own sin and I know I am a sinner.

I am very aware of the spiritual battle going on and how Satan will always try his best to bring down those spiritually developed, who are being used by God.

It’s interesting to reflect back on my life and see all the evil and how hard Satan tried to destroy me and he never succeeded, and this is all down to God, every single second of my life, where evil did not prevail, is God’s grace.

I am filling up now, because this is huge.

Knowing this, is massive and I see that.

Understanding just a little of God’s awesome power, grace, healing and love for us sinners, is truly incredible.

God has taken a wretch like me, saved me, a sinner, someone who has sinned badly in my life too, someone who has been badly sinned against, who was lost and now is found and has given me these strengths, these abilities, life wisdom, courage, integrity, compassion and empathy and the understanding to know I need to know much more and is using me, always had been.

Me. Someone who in my own strength, could barely speak 12 months ago about my past, who could barely function and He is transforming my life, opening my eyes to more and more – using my strengths and weaknesses, my willingness and healing me all the way through it, for purposes now I can see and no doubt for purposes in the future of which I have absolutely no idea about yet.


Author: Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

I am a survivor of complex and multiple trauma and abuse, who at the age of 40, began my healing journey. I am using my journey to recovery and healing, to help others, to help survivors feel less alone, validated, encouraged and to enable others to understand themselves more. Complex trauma, particularly from severe, prolonged childhood abuse, is profoundly life changing. Complex trauma produces complex adults. The journey to recovery is a painful, often lonely, emotional daily challenge and it is my aim to encourage others in their daily battle. ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

2 thoughts on “Amazing Grace. So much is becoming clearer and clearer in my life.

  1. I know what you mean about barely being able to speak. I’ve been led by God for two and a half years and it hurt so amazingly good! Now I am taking on a spiritual growth role in my circle. Everything is used by God to make things ultimately so good. 😀