Throughout my life, until I reached out for Jesus to save me, I was searching for a saviour.
I know this, I know it led to further hurt and abuse and pain.
I also grew up from a young age as a caretaker, to my mother, to my siblings and I was always the friend who would do anything for someone, usually with that not being returned.
I feel deeply for people who are hurting, who are not being treated well, who are being lied to and deceived.
The reason is because I know all these, I know not being treated well, I know being lied to and deceived and I know the consequences. So, I don’t want this for others. I see the consequences are bad hearts, deep sin and I also know the lies I know, will not be all of them and I know Satan is in this.
Lies and deceit are wrong, are sin and I feel convicted into opening peoples eyes to this, especially when it is serious, especially if it is someone in Church leadership.
My husband made a good comment the other day when I was talking about this and he said ‘you can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make it drink’.
Which is true – I could publish all the messages I have showing seduction/grooming intent and people could read them and they will still be blind to the abuse. They will still justify it, ignore it, condone it, because that’s what keeps things easy in their lives. To acknowledge their friend, is actually someone capable of lying and deceiving many people, their leader is a narcissist – is too hard – easier to ignore the bad, and focus on what they want this man to be. As I have also done, until God revealed their lies and deceit clearly and had provided me with the professional support who would clarify what this all meant – abuse.
As my doctor pointed out when she spoke to hundreds of Christian women about cognitive distortions, people see others through rose coloured glasses, not clearly.
I can’t save these people from a narcissist pastor who lies, deceives and manipulates, aided by his narcissist wife, who covers and lies for him, along with the senior pastor who condones all this, again seeing these people through rose coloured glasses.
But, I would rather have a heart that wants people to know the truth, is strong enough and courageous enough and has integrity to do what is right, to stand up to bullies and people not doing what is right, than be someone weak, someone uncaring, who will walk away, not caring about all these people being deceived and God knows my heart and He is using me, due to this.
Whether any of these people realise my heart is to actually help them, to reveal to them the lies, I am not in control of. I can only control what I can do and do my best, for God, because I always want everything I do, to be what He requires of me, even if that means I walk a lonely life, with many rejecting me, many accusing me, many despising me.
What God thinks of me, is more important than anyone.
But, I am all too aware, I cannot save anyone from what they are totally committed to not seeing, or are cognitively incapable of understanding and lack maturity in their faith to comprehend.
But, I can still feel real sadness for this, for them.
I am grieving for these people.