Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

A journey to healing from complex trauma.

Craving my own company.


I have always been someone who wants to be around people, except for when highly depressed and then I have just wanted to be alone. It’s part of my all or nothing personality I’ve always had.

These huge swings in mood and behaviour from energetic, constantly talking, having fun, highly driven then to highly depressed, withdrawing completely and barely able to function, is how I have always been since being a teenager. And I know why, I know it’s all part of the complex trauma.

I now like my own company. Although I am also aware one of medications Effexor I take does make a lot of people feel emotionally distant from those around them, which I do sometimes, so I know to engage with my family, be mindful when with them and I do enjoy being with my family.

But, I also crave my own company. Which I never have done. I like being home on my own during the days. I like evenings when my husband is working.

Sometimes I feel guilty about this, sometimes I know it is needed, because I do have PTSD, I do have a lot of stress going on and it is easier for me to cope when I am on my own.

I feel guilty when my noisy, busy boys are causing my PTSD symptoms to increase, their noise causes irritation and I struggle to cope with it especially when they are home all day. Some days I do better than others, and my husband reminds me frequently that ‘all’ mothers feel like this.

But, my issues of needing to not be my own mother, and feeling guilty if I’m not the perfect mother, never go away, they are always there just under the surface.

So, with having PTSD that means sensory processing issues, having a lot of stress at the moment with the formal complaint and medication that causes emotional distancing, I really want to be on my own.

But, this just activates shame and guilt and I struggle to cope with that.

There are days when I really feel fed up having PTSD.

This is one of them.

Author: Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

I am a survivor of complex and multiple trauma and abuse, who at the age of 40, began my healing journey. I am using my journey to recovery and healing, to help others, to help survivors feel less alone, validated, encouraged and to enable others to understand themselves more. Complex trauma, particularly from severe, prolonged childhood abuse, is profoundly life changing. Complex trauma produces complex adults. The journey to recovery is a painful, often lonely, emotional daily challenge and it is my aim to encourage others in their daily battle. ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

2 thoughts on “Craving my own company.

  1. I have to say when I read this I wanted to cry,but at the same time I was excited what you said it was like you are me and wrote that.I am so glad I joined this group I always thought there was something wrong with me.I just recently like a month ago had a massive breakdown and found out I have PTSD along with a few other things. Thank you so much for sharing with us you help me and everyone so much> ❤

    • I am always so glad when my sharing has helped someone feel less alone in this.
      It is common to feel there is something wrong with us, feel different and I have come to understand what we are feeling and going through is normal – normal for the life we have endured.
      You are normal Stacy, and I am learning to understand myself and others more and more.
      I understand how that breakdown feels, and it scared me to the point where I thought I was going to die, but I didn’t and you didn’t, we are strong and we can get through this with support and understanding ourselves more.
      Self compassion is something many abuse survivors struggle with, I know this and yet I still struggle with it too.
      We can do this healing journey Stacy xoxox