Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

A journey to healing from complex trauma.

Grooming abuse, and why it happens to adults too.

7 Comments

I have been thinking about this for a while and I know there are deeper reasons for why when I am highly vulnerable, I block out actions from people that are abusive.

I recently had abuse from a pastor where it is clear he groomed me for his abusive adulterous intentions, abusing his counselling privilege for his own needs.

I had those ‘red flag’ weird feelings occur, but I was highly distressed, highly depressed and desperately needed someone to trust and I needed him to be that person I could trust. He had deliberately built up my trust, constantly contacting me, pushing for home visits where I would be alone, all usual grooming methods.

During this time, I was traumatised, with PTSD very severe and this meant I was in traumatised state.

My doctor has stated when she knows I am in a traumatised state and I was last year.

I also know that I feel when someone is nice to me, giving me something, I need to give something back, as that is what has happened in the past, abusers gave me their attention and wanted something back from me, from my body, to do sexual things they wanted.

So, in a traumatised state as I was, things were happening that I didn’t stop, because I was in that traumatised state where I was not able to stop someone taking from me what they shouldn’t be taking.

This pastor was taking things from me he shouldn’t and his behaviour was building, in what he wanted, first hugging me, then hugging me with full body contact, then sitting right next to me while I cried and talked, then hugging me by my bedroom, putting his hand on my thigh while talking to me. I actually think he believed I was ‘letting’ him do this because I ‘wanted it’, as abusers who groom do. It’s the way they think ‘she’s not stopping me so she must want it’. It justifies in their sick minds that what they are doing is okay. I didn’t want it, but I couldn’t stop it, as I was in a traumatised state.

But, he absolutely knew I was vulnerable, severely depressed, and highly emotional and he knew all his actions were wrong, as he hid them, lied about them and had no remorse when exposed and had rage and no compassion – classic narcissist/sociopath behaviours.

Grooming abuse is subtle, these predators are clever and highly manipulative and they believe in their own heads it is okay. These predators are usually on that highly narcissistic/sociopath continuum, and manipulation is their finest tool.

This kind of predatory behaviour is highly abusive, as the victim doesn’t know what is happening when in a traumatised state.

Author: Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

I am a survivor of complex and multiple trauma and abuse, who at the age of 40, began my healing journey. I am using my journey to recovery and healing, to help others, to help survivors feel less alone, validated, encouraged and to enable others to understand themselves more. Complex trauma, particularly from severe, prolonged childhood abuse, is profoundly life changing. Complex trauma produces complex adults. The journey to recovery is a painful, often lonely, emotional daily challenge and it is my aim to encourage others in their daily battle. ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

7 thoughts on “Grooming abuse, and why it happens to adults too.

  1. Your description of the grooming process is “right on” as far as my own experience and the stories I’ve heard from other survivors. It’s so hard for non-traumatized people to understand how impossible it is to say no. I finally got to the point of saying no, and guess what… he turned the tables on me, sadistically… I can’t begin to describe the devastation and it’s ripple effects to my family. Thank you for speaking up about this… not many victims have the courage to do so… thanks, thanks, thanks!

    • Susan, I am so sorry this has happened to you as well. But very glad you were able to stop it and I totally understand the effect that then has on you and your family.

      This pastor has caused devastation in my life and my family too, once he was exposed. Narcissists/sociopaths hate being exposed and get nasty and this was clearly shown.

      The worst part is most people have no idea of these people are narcissists and believe their lies and manipulation and fake facades, so don’t see what they have done to the narcs victim.

      Thank you for your kind words and I wish you continued healing, it takes time to heal from this kind of abuse.

    • I am just so shocked because it’s very similar to my experiences. Yrs ago I was in a traumatic state, groomed and raped. Now I’ve been on Instagram and 3 men have “groomed me”. One I deleted. One was aggressive and the other said he loved me and wanted to come from Miami to relocate here. All of them kept me texting all the time. The 1st one was obviously a perv. The othersvdemanding or grumpy. The grumpy one I asked what he was doing. He told me. He worked nights so it was his work time. I asked what he was doing and I meant later and he said ” °I told you”. So I felt intimidated. I’m so pleased with this article appeared on here and now I have peace of mind that it’s not my faulty

  2. I am sorry this Pastor did this to you. You are right, he knew, he just used silence to convince himself it was a yes. He knew you were hurt and vulnerable and preyed on it.

    I was groomed at 14 and abused but also while I was abused, hurt and vulnerable; a trusted member of my Church did similar. He got me alone often, progressed to putting his hand on my thigh as he comforted me etc. It’s taken me until recently to realise he was wrong, not me

    Thank you for sharing this

    • I am so sorry that happened to you. Thank you for sharing with me too.

      It is horrible to know that people in trusted positions take advantage of someone when they are at their lowest and have no remorse either.

      I was shocked at the depths of hate this pastor went to when I ‘dared’ to expose him. I expected some denial, but his rage and absolute lack of acknowledgement and lack of empathy, was shocking and made me realise the situation was far worse than I had believed.

      It is my hope and prayer that more people aren’t fooled by his lies and highly manipulative ways in the formal complaint.

      Narcs don’t change, they can pretend to for their own needs, but inside they remain the same.

  3. hello, could someone please tell me the signs of being groomed for sex , i feel that this was done to me by an ex partners father, who continuously brought up my body, my face, that it was sexy, he homed on particular body parts and started to talk regularly about relationships that can happen between older and younger people, he also asked had my ex partner satisfied me in bed, i’m just looking to know the actual process of it because i can’t find it anywhere, i know that every process is different but i know that this man is narcissistic also and there has to be specific traits or lines of grooming that is the same for all of them, can anyone help me please 🙂