I have been thinking about this for a while and I know there are deeper reasons for why when I am highly vulnerable, I block out actions from people that are abusive.
I recently had abuse from a pastor where it is clear he groomed me for his abusive adulterous intentions, abusing his counselling privilege for his own needs.
I had those ‘red flag’ weird feelings occur, but I was highly distressed, highly depressed and desperately needed someone to trust and I needed him to be that person I could trust. He had deliberately built up my trust, constantly contacting me, pushing for home visits where I would be alone, all usual grooming methods.
During this time, I was traumatised, with PTSD very severe and this meant I was in traumatised state.
My doctor has stated when she knows I am in a traumatised state and I was last year.
I also know that I feel when someone is nice to me, giving me something, I need to give something back, as that is what has happened in the past, abusers gave me their attention and wanted something back from me, from my body, to do sexual things they wanted.
So, in a traumatised state as I was, things were happening that I didn’t stop, because I was in that traumatised state where I was not able to stop someone taking from me what they shouldn’t be taking.
This pastor was taking things from me he shouldn’t and his behaviour was building, in what he wanted, first hugging me, then hugging me with full body contact, then sitting right next to me while I cried and talked, then hugging me by my bedroom, putting his hand on my thigh while talking to me. I actually think he believed I was ‘letting’ him do this because I ‘wanted it’, as abusers who groom do. It’s the way they think ‘she’s not stopping me so she must want it’. It justifies in their sick minds that what they are doing is okay. I didn’t want it, but I couldn’t stop it, as I was in a traumatised state.
But, he absolutely knew I was vulnerable, severely depressed, and highly emotional and he knew all his actions were wrong, as he hid them, lied about them and had no remorse when exposed and had rage and no compassion – classic narcissist/sociopath behaviours.
Grooming abuse is subtle, these predators are clever and highly manipulative and they believe in their own heads it is okay. These predators are usually on that highly narcissistic/sociopath continuum, and manipulation is their finest tool.
This kind of predatory behaviour is highly abusive, as the victim doesn’t know what is happening when in a traumatised state.