I was flicking through the TV channels, and saw a film being discussed with Leslie Caron staring in it and it reminded me of my favourite movie ‘Father Goose’, with Leslie Caron and Cary Grant.
This is a movie my sisters and I loved, it was one of few things in our lives that bonded us together. We all loved it and knew so many lines from it, having seen it so many times.
As children, we stuck together, as we had to. I loved my sisters like they were my own children. I was their caretaker, their mother a lot of the time and I know they were too young to remember that. They remember me getting upset with them for being loud, because our mother would take it out on me. I was always having to be what my mother wanted, the caretaker of her children, so she could read, smoke, sleep, or spend hours in the neighbours house.
I still know many of the lines from this movie and I have it on DVD, but I rarely watch it as it makes me sad.
It’s one of those memories of good times, that brings such waves of grieving for the distance now needed, due to so much hurt and pain, lies and abuse caused that required healthier boundaries for healing.
I love my sisters. I miss my sisters. I miss the good times. I miss the jokes, even if they were at my expense. I don’t miss the bad stuff, but I do miss the good and I am glad I have good memories that can never be taken away.
It reminds me of humorous times we did have and I treasure those good memories. Like trying on clothes that looked awful and the three of us falling about laughing at each other and ourselves.
Grieving doesn’t just stop after a few months.
It doesn’t just go away.
It lessons, but can come back any time and reduce me to tears and fills me with grief.
I will always love my sisters, my mother, and I do love them from the distance needed, putting my own needs as a priority, with healthy boundaries.
But, it still hurts.
Because the love, remains.