Until last week, I had the ongoing anticipation, stress and need to focus, to ensure I could do my best when interviewed by the investigators for the formal complaint of spiritual abuse, to speak and expose all that was required.
I knew to focus and keep going, not be brought down by all the stress, all the ‘issues’ that came about thick and fast during the weeks leading up to last week. Satan, indeed doing his best, failing to play his hand, so throwing out all his cards, but failing.
I was provided, graciously, with all the strength, focus and calmness I needed by God, for God’s purposes and that I know with absolute certainty and clarity. I felt Jesus’ presence and the calming within me.
But, the consequences of all this on my human body and mind, are in full affect now. I am exhausted, physically, mentally.
I’m okay with this, I would rather be exhausted now and know I have done all I could, willingly, obediently and with full faith God would provide all I needed to get me through last week, for God, to ensure what was required would be done, and it was.
So, whilst I would rather be feeling different right now, I know and I sense I need to rest. God knows what I need that, even when I don’t.
Self care and resting are not my greatest strengths and I know I need to be more focussed on them.
The build of stress from the last few weeks, were there, but almost suppressed and suspended intentionally, but I am human and have a human brain and body and I have PTSD and the impact and cost of this stress and focus, is making me exhausted now, but not in a depressed way, just tired, very tired.
I know when I could sleep during the day, I am exhausted. I rarely sleep during the day, so it’s one way I know to gauge my physical state and be concerned.
My husband said I look very tired and he only comments when it’s very obvious.
There is only so much I can handle and this last few weeks have pushed me to the very edge of my capacity, with what I needed provided, but I see how much it has taken out of me.
So, rest I will.