Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

A journey to healing from complex trauma.

Having to add ‘spiritual abuse’ to my trauma list, is very sad.


I just shared my ‘about me’ on my community page, which I do every month, to let new members know my trauma history, where my understanding and empathy is from.

All the worst abuse in my life has come from those I trusted and loved and now I’ve had to add more to my trauma history.

To be spiritually abused by a pastor, aided by his wife, has been devastating. Of course, I should have been able to trust him, he was in a trusted position, trusted with counselling privilege all of which he abused, to abuse me, for his own narcissistic, earthly, abusive needs.

I have processed the whole situation and I see it with clarity and depth of understanding as to my unwell and vulnerable state last year and his narcissism, which God exposed.

I am secure in my understanding of all that occurred and why and also why it is so deeply painful.

But, having to ‘update’ my trauma/abuse history, brought about a sense of grieving that comes back in waves – as grieving does.

Grieving isn’t just a one time, ‘over it’ in a few months process. The painful waves of sadness, of gut wrenching distress, can happen at any time, and I know it’s grieving and I am compassionate with myself about this.

I know God needed me in this exposing of a wolf in sheep’s clothing and I am thankful to God this man was exposed and needed my strengths to deal with this and what an important task this was, to expose evil being done, with Satan using these people.

But, it doesn’t take the hurt away and I know God also has such compassion for me. I know it’s why God has provided me with such good support and such wise people in my life and a life where I have time and space to heal. God is so gracious and has such deep love and I feel that.

I know it will take more time to heal from this abuse.

People will think ‘isn’t she over that yet?’, will judge, but I am the one who was spiritually abused and groomed by a man I truly trusted and loved, who took from me what I wasn’t able to understand or stop, due to my vulnerable state.

Spiritual abuse, is known to many as emotional and spiritual rape, because they take what wasn’t theirs to take, and the victim isn’t able to stop them.

This whole situation has also included Satan playing his best hands leading up to the investigators coming to my home, to try to bring me own and stop me, and that has resulted in me being exhausted, in every way.

Spiritual abuse is evil and devastating to someone like me, who is spiritually aware of more than many, because I see the evil in this abuse and don’t want this to happen to anyone else, as more harm could and will be caused and any possible separating of a person from God, is not a risk anyone should be taking. If a leader can be used this easily for evil, then it should not be enabled again.

I have felt God’s healing in this, but I experienced feeling the full affects of this spiritual abuse, so I can relate to others and help others with it.

These were people who I wanted to be my brother and sister, people who I thought loves me, people in my life I thought I could trust, rely on, be my family and they were in my heart. I did trust them and I rarely trust people. I would have done anything for them, as I do for people in general, but even more so, for those in my heart.

I want to cry just writing this, as it’s painful when those waves of grieving, flood me with intense emotions.

I feel my emotions deeply, as with everything – I think deeply, I reflect deeply, I love deeply, I hurt deeply, I care deeply. I self reflect deeply, I reflect about others, life and humanity deeply and consider spiritual consequences deeply.

Spiritual abuse is evil at work and I have felt this deeply.

As with everything, the pain lessons over time, the raw wounds begin to heal – such is God’s love and grace – but the grieving can come back any time, in big waves of crushing emotional pain.

And the really sad part is, I am still grieving this loss in my life and the abuse, and yet they showed just how much they hate me, by all they have done last year with the spiritual abuse and this year in lying to me, lying about me, attacking me, creating a situation where I had to leave Church due to their lies, hurting my sons, my husband, and they absolutely no remorse, no guilt, no empathy, no love.

They are selling their souls to Satan, to protect their images and their jobs.

Author: Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

I am a survivor of complex and multiple trauma and abuse, who at the age of 40, began my healing journey. I am using my journey to recovery and healing, to help others, to help survivors feel less alone, validated, encouraged and to enable others to understand themselves more. Complex trauma, particularly from severe, prolonged childhood abuse, is profoundly life changing. Complex trauma produces complex adults. The journey to recovery is a painful, often lonely, emotional daily challenge and it is my aim to encourage others in their daily battle. ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

5 thoughts on “Having to add ‘spiritual abuse’ to my trauma list, is very sad.

  1. I’m so sorry for everything you’ve gone through…. I think you’re so brave to tell others, knowing the grief it will cause you. You help others see it’s okay to speak out, and I hope this can bring you some comfort somehow…
    Take good care,
    J x

    • Thank you, it does take courage to speak up and that is something God has equipped me with. I don’t bow down to bullies.

      I hope to encourage more people to speak up, especially when abuse is occurring in a Church. Abuse should never be ignored, condoned or enabled.

  2. I hear you!! This also happened to me with an elder of the church who covered up his evil towards me with the aid of his wife(my best friend) by writing a letter to my then husband (sent to his work place). This elder was best friends with my paster & when I went to my paster for help/ support he believed his best mate & threw me out of church as a trouble maker. Sometimes telling the truth as my parents raised me to believe – makes no difference. People will always believed what they want to believe even if the real truth is right infront of them. Those in power will always corrupt!! I wont step foot in a church again!! I thought there of all places I had finely found a home – a place I would feel excepted after years of abuse, I was wrong 😦

  3. This is so helpful too me you describe completely the emotional experience I have been going through since realizing I was being spiritually abused. Where is you community page? I fee I was directed here without a doubt for a reason.

    • I was abused by a Pastor, a Psychologist where my husband was stationed in the military and by a so-called counselor I was referred to by my Pastor ( a different one than above). I was in my early 20’s and just had my second daughter. We were stationed in California for 3.5 years which in itself is a breeding ground to these evil men. I was VERY depressed after having my youngest daughter. It’s a long story and yes I was very naïve when it came to trust. I wanted to stop crying and being overwhelmed seeking help for my depression. They were after sex or touching. EVERY ONE OF THEM. I am now 62 years old and there are few days I don’t think of at least one of these episodes. I could have blamed God but I knew in my heart it wasn’t God it was the sociopaths that were getting their needs met by trusting women like me and using God as the way to get to them. I found a female Psychiatrist that I have seen over 20 years. I will never see another man therapist again. It isn’t fair and I wish I was the person I am now back then because I would have reported them. I did call and write a letter to two of them. The other one is serving time in prison for doing the same thing to other women in his office and they started comparing notes and he was arrested. I know the two I wrote and talked to were shocked after all these years I would even remember. They hadn’t forgotten and tried to talk me out of reporting one to the Convention of our denomination and the other I called myself and told him what a jerk he was and how much he had hurt me. He immediately said, ” If I remember correctly you were beautiful.” I immediately said, ” You had no right to do the things you did to me under any circumstances!” He was still trying to put the blame on me again. After being abused as a child I felt like I was waving a flag…attack me. I know they sense me and now I have a sense of who they are. I try to help the youth by being a Mentor for children without a voice. I do have PTSD and depression but I am determined to use it to help a child not walk the same path as me in the future.
      Sorry for the long response. I have so much to say about this subject because I too have been there. Thank you Lilly for opening this platform and exposing your raw inside feelings. Your life is such an example of hope.