I just shared my ‘about me’ on my community page, which I do every month, to let new members know my trauma history, where my understanding and empathy is from.
All the worst abuse in my life has come from those I trusted and loved and now I’ve had to add more to my trauma history.
To be spiritually abused by a pastor, aided by his wife, has been devastating. Of course, I should have been able to trust him, he was in a trusted position, trusted with counselling privilege all of which he abused, to abuse me, for his own narcissistic, earthly, abusive needs.
I have processed the whole situation and I see it with clarity and depth of understanding as to my unwell and vulnerable state last year and his narcissism, which God exposed.
I am secure in my understanding of all that occurred and why and also why it is so deeply painful.
But, having to ‘update’ my trauma/abuse history, brought about a sense of grieving that comes back in waves – as grieving does.
Grieving isn’t just a one time, ‘over it’ in a few months process. The painful waves of sadness, of gut wrenching distress, can happen at any time, and I know it’s grieving and I am compassionate with myself about this.
I know God needed me in this exposing of a wolf in sheep’s clothing and I am thankful to God this man was exposed and needed my strengths to deal with this and what an important task this was, to expose evil being done, with Satan using these people.
But, it doesn’t take the hurt away and I know God also has such compassion for me. I know it’s why God has provided me with such good support and such wise people in my life and a life where I have time and space to heal. God is so gracious and has such deep love and I feel that.
I know it will take more time to heal from this abuse.
People will think ‘isn’t she over that yet?’, will judge, but I am the one who was spiritually abused and groomed by a man I truly trusted and loved, who took from me what I wasn’t able to understand or stop, due to my vulnerable state.
Spiritual abuse, is known to many as emotional and spiritual rape, because they take what wasn’t theirs to take, and the victim isn’t able to stop them.
This whole situation has also included Satan playing his best hands leading up to the investigators coming to my home, to try to bring me own and stop me, and that has resulted in me being exhausted, in every way.
Spiritual abuse is evil and devastating to someone like me, who is spiritually aware of more than many, because I see the evil in this abuse and don’t want this to happen to anyone else, as more harm could and will be caused and any possible separating of a person from God, is not a risk anyone should be taking. If a leader can be used this easily for evil, then it should not be enabled again.
I have felt God’s healing in this, but I experienced feeling the full affects of this spiritual abuse, so I can relate to others and help others with it.
These were people who I wanted to be my brother and sister, people who I thought loves me, people in my life I thought I could trust, rely on, be my family and they were in my heart. I did trust them and I rarely trust people. I would have done anything for them, as I do for people in general, but even more so, for those in my heart.
I want to cry just writing this, as it’s painful when those waves of grieving, flood me with intense emotions.
I feel my emotions deeply, as with everything – I think deeply, I reflect deeply, I love deeply, I hurt deeply, I care deeply. I self reflect deeply, I reflect about others, life and humanity deeply and consider spiritual consequences deeply.
Spiritual abuse is evil at work and I have felt this deeply.
As with everything, the pain lessons over time, the raw wounds begin to heal – such is God’s love and grace – but the grieving can come back any time, in big waves of crushing emotional pain.
And the really sad part is, I am still grieving this loss in my life and the abuse, and yet they showed just how much they hate me, by all they have done last year with the spiritual abuse and this year in lying to me, lying about me, attacking me, creating a situation where I had to leave Church due to their lies, hurting my sons, my husband, and they absolutely no remorse, no guilt, no empathy, no love.
They are selling their souls to Satan, to protect their images and their jobs.