Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

A journey to healing from complex trauma.


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Unable to think in a shallow and superficial way, but some days wish I could.

I can see so clearly, how people who live shallow and superficial lives, are happier than those who don’t.

People who don’t have depth to their emotions, their thinking, their conscience, little empathy, little emotional intelligence, live a simpler life. And that’s okay, I’m not judging, that’s who they are. It doesn’t mean they are bad people at all, just very different.

I am someone who has deep levels of processing thoughts, assessing humanity, love, compassion, integrity, honesty, need to do what is right. And I know it’s my life that has created this. My need from such a young age to constantly assess people, bad people, to survive, has created a deeper need and ability to think, than someone who hasn’t lived a life like mine.

There are days when I just wish I could be shallow. Just have a much lesser depth of emotions, thoughts etc, because my life would be easier. Continue reading


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Life is good and days like today, remind me of that.

Today has been one of those amazing, but ordinary days, where you know life is so good, even amongst the grieving, the PTSD and exhaustion.

This morning we went to Church and I feel so blessed for us to have been welcomed into our Church so quickly, and know such warm, kind, friendly people and to feel safe there, in a way I never felt before.

I feel at peace when I am there, I feel safe. And that is huge for me and I thank God daily for leading us somewhere where we will learn His word, grow, feel like we belong, feel a part of the Church community and be able to serve God.

My boys have already been in the pool today, and listening and watching them have so much fun, their laughter and happy times, their happy childhood such a joy to see.

It soothes my soul to know the childhood they are having, is one every child should have, where they know they are loved, encouraged, are safe, and nurtured within the loving embrace of a real family home. Continue reading


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Final conclusion letter, of the formal complaint, arrived today.

Well, the final outcome of the formal complaint made and all the hell myself and my family have been through this year, has been agreed.

Due to my courage to complain, this pastor will lose his licence ‘immediately’ if he fails even once, to adhere to code of conduct again within the next 5 years. This is a big statement to make to him. This outcome not being common in a case like mine, but showing the seriousness of what he did and how much evidence I had and how much he failed.

(Had he and his wife not lied, he would have lost his licence immediately. And he knows that, and so does God).

He has to have psychological counselling to see if he is suitable to continue, as a pastor, particularly in light of my complaint. Continue reading


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I wish I could stop thinking about what it would be like, to have a good Mum.

Last year, I had to start processing and coming to terms with the highly dysfunctional dynamics of my family, which has been painful and devastating.

Since then, I have a habit of seeing fictional people and thinking ‘I wish my Mum was like that’ and then daydreaming about what it would have been like.

I love the movie ‘It’s Complicated’ with Meryl Streep. She is one of my favourite actors, and in this movie she plays a Mum of teenage age and adult children and I just love the character she plays. Continue reading


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Recovery from narcissistic abuse, is slow and painful ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

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Narcissists thrive only for themselves. They are completely self motivated, self absorbed, feel entitled to everything they want to do, have no compassion and no remorse. They lack empathy completely.

Narcissists and sociopaths, operate in similar ways.

They use you as prey.

They get close to you, build up your trust, mimic your emotions, take full advantage of your vulnerability and compassion, get you on your own, build a relationship where you begin to need them and depend on them. Continue reading


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Feeling/being vulnerable and the association to this having been abused.

I’ve been vulnerable my entire life, from being a very young child, I’ve never felt safe.

I’ve had so many people abuse that vulnerability and having believed that was ‘in the past’, I assumed I was over that.

Until this year, when having allowed myself to be so vulnerable, someone I trusted, someone I should have been able to trust, I found out that yet again, this vulnerability was abused.

This situation has caused me so much harm and I don’t want to admit that, but it has. It has rocked me painfully to the core.

This kind of damage just doesn’t go away for me, it causes ongoing effects that no matter how hard I try to ignore, I know the damage is massive. Continue reading


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The day I realised, this journey is not an escalator up.

For decades, I have fought to not allow my past to affect me. Of course it always has, but I tried hard to not let it. Never played the victim, never wanted to think about it, and I don’t want to dwell in it.

I was doing great, but now I am not and I have to accept this is the way it will go.

Someone on my community page explained it well;

‘Grief is cyclical and healing from the effects of trauma is cyclical.

It’s not an escalator ride up, but a trek over winding trails, up and down hills.

You are headed in the right direction.’ Continue reading


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Not good when you start losing hope.

I can pretend all I like that all the abuse I have been through in my life, was for a reason, for me to help others in the future etc, but I wonder if this is just me trying to make something good out of so much pain.

I am too real and honest to go along with ‘putting a positive spin on it’.

I can say repeatedly, as I do, that all this abuse has given me compassion and insight and whatever.

But, at the end of the day, I suffered badly, I didn’t deserve it and I will live with those memories for the rest of my life. Continue reading


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Final discussion about the spiritual abuse report.

Just come back from counselling.

Saw my doctor and had to inform her of the spiritual abuse complaint report, as she has been away for 5 weeks and she has been doing the counselling with me for this spiritual abuse. Continue reading