Whenever I feel like I might be done with dealing with the shame and lack of self worth emotions and beliefs from my past, I get a reality shock.
I do know I didn’t deserve any of the abuse I endured, I am good with that. But, I wrote a post about how much God clearly loves me and provides everything I need and at the end – and one day I might actually believe I deserve it.
I say I know God loves me and intellectually I know that, but I’m not sure I actually feel that deep down.
I know it’s shame and I know this is a very complex issue, due to complex trauma. I know a lifetime of being treated with no worth, no respect, no dignity, doesn’t get fixed and healed quickly.
I willingly and passionately want to help others, and learn all I can, learn theology of the Bible, use the gifts God gave me to help others and I know that’s partly the caretaker role in me that existed since childhood. Which I am thankful for.
But, I know, deep down I don’t feel I actually deserve good myself.
I focus on all my healing being for the good of others. I share everything on my community support page, to help others.
I focus on my faith path, being about how to help others. But, not really about me.
And I wonder sometimes if in doing everything I can to help others is about my love and passion to help others, but also to in someway make up for all the wrong I’ve done myself.
As a child, if my mother was angry with me, I would always try harder to do what she liked, so she wouldn’t reject me. I did anything for her to love me.
I wonder sometimes, if this is how I feel about God.
If I focus entirely on all He wants from me, it will make it up in some way, for all the bad I’ve done, which I still feel ashamed about. He will be less angry with me and won’t reject me.
My fear of abandonment and rejection, is always there, just under the surface of everything I do.
Opening up this can of worms, is probably not a good thing right now, but I am honest with myself and I do know I need to face everything.