Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

A journey to healing from complex trauma.

Fear of abandonment and rejection, always just under the surface.

Whenever I feel like I might be done with dealing with the shame and lack of self worth emotions and beliefs from my past, I get a reality shock.

I do know I didn’t deserve any of the abuse I endured, I am good with that. But, I wrote a post about how much God clearly loves me and provides everything I need and at the end – and one day I might actually believe I deserve it.

I say I know God loves me and intellectually I know that, but I’m not sure I actually feel that deep down.

I know it’s shame and I know this is a very complex issue, due to complex trauma. I know a lifetime of being treated with no worth, no respect, no dignity, doesn’t get fixed and healed quickly.

I willingly and passionately want to help others, and learn all I can, learn theology of the Bible, use the gifts God gave me to help others and I know that’s partly the caretaker role in me that existed since childhood. Which I am thankful for.

But, I know, deep down I don’t feel I actually deserve good myself.

I focus on all my healing being for the good of others. I share everything on my community support page, to help others.

I focus on my faith path, being about how to help others. But, not really about me.

And I wonder sometimes if in doing everything I can to help others is about my love and passion to help others, but also to in someway make up for all the wrong I’ve done myself.

As a child, if my mother was angry with me, I would always try harder to do what she liked, so she wouldn’t reject me. I did anything for her to love me.

I wonder sometimes, if this is how I feel about God.

If I focus entirely on all He wants from me, it will make it up in some way, for all the bad I’ve done, which I still feel ashamed about. He will be less angry with me and won’t reject me.

My fear of abandonment and rejection, is always there, just under the surface of everything I do.

Opening up this can of worms, is probably not a good thing right now, but I am honest with myself and I do know I need to face everything.

Author: Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

I am a survivor of complex and multiple trauma and abuse, who at the age of 40, began my healing journey. I am using my journey to recovery and healing, to help others, to help survivors feel less alone, validated, encouraged and to enable others to understand themselves more. Complex trauma, particularly from severe, prolonged childhood abuse, is profoundly life changing. Complex trauma produces complex adults. The journey to recovery is a painful, often lonely, emotional daily challenge and it is my aim to encourage others in their daily battle. ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

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