I know intellectually my only validation needs to be from God and myself. It’s what I tell people all the time. And it’s true.
So, why can’t I hold onto that?
Why can’t I just accept my life has been filled with abuse, pain and invalidation and will no doubt continue to and that’s just tough, that’s life.
The recent spiritual abuse formal complaint was exactly what I knew would happen. He was ‘found guilty’ on everything I could prove 100% and they couldn’t find him ‘guilty’ of abuse, because I didn’t have enough proof and he lied and denied. I did all I could to make sure people knew the truth, and reduce the chance of him doing this someone else and expose a wolf in sheep’s clothing.
But, I can’t help but notice – no mention in the report of the hurt, and the massive affect this had on me, they didn’t give a shit about that. No-one ever does. No-one seems to care about my welfare, my hurt, the pain I endured. Just defending the abusers and minimizing what they did and their intentions.
Such a reflection of my life.
All the important people in my life know the truth; Jesus, my husband, my professional support and even the Reverend told me this is going on with other people and the Baptist Church always cover up abuse claims.
So, I do have validation, I have love and belief in me. I know I told the truth, I know they lied and that the result if the investigation was a combination of cover up/lies/Satan.
So, why can’t I hold onto that.
My life has been all about hurt and invalidation of that.
Being told I deserved it and it was my fault. People who were meant to deal with it – failing. And minimizing what I endured. Not caring and defending the abusers. And I’m scared this is going to keep happening in my life, so I can feel myself withdrawing, avoiding everything except Bible study.
I know why people withdraw from life.
Every person has their limit of being hurt. Maybe I am at mine. Maybe I am now past that limit. So if you stay away from people, you can’t get hurt.
Deep deep down, no matter what I tell myself, I must believe I deserve it too, because I must be this inherently bad person who maybe does deserve to be treated badly after all.
After all, that’s the message I keep getting from people, over and over.
Or at least, that’s the message I am listening to anyway.
Which is no doubt what Satan wants me to believe, but right now, it hurts.