Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

A journey to healing from complex trauma.

Still grieving…..and that’s okay and needed.

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The last week has been a huge rollercoaster of emotions.

My counsellor confirmed it is grieving trauma and it is healthy, needed and appropriate, due to processing the formal complaint.

I told her my first reaction to the pastor spiritual abuse formal complaint report, was relief – as it stated if he fails to act appropriately and ignores codes of conduct again in the next 5 years, he gets his licence suspended. So, hopefully this man won’t repeat what he did to me, because he will be too scared to be exposed again. Being exposed being a narcs worst nightmare, so he won’t risk it again, at least in the next 5 years anyway.

But, then after this initial relief and the massive invalidation of the report as to all I endured, the realisation they ignored my doctors report and deemed the mediation to be poorly conduced, which they have absolutely no right to state, the emotions of the invalidation started to hit. Invalidation is one of my worst triggers.

Then depression set in, as the reality of how much these people hate me and how they never cared to lie and deny and hurt me so much more. How I was ‘supply’ and I know that. How little justice there ever seems to be, how people always fail me and enable abusers, how little people care about what I endured, hit hard.

As this depression got worse, this triggered the self hate, self blame feelings that I have endured all my life, even though I know these emotions are not deserved, it’s an old belief pattern that gets triggered.

Then, I started to feel angry and reflected on how ‘none’ of this was my fault. I didn’t ask him to come to my home, or push to see me alone, touch me inappropriately, groom me, fail to comply with so many codes of conduct. I didn’t ask him tell me he had feelings for me last year and use the transference excuse. I didn’t ask him to lie and deceive, call me demonic, allow his wife to accuse me of attacking their children, all lies to deflect. All his fault, entirely.

So, I felt a bit better and a bit more in control of my emotions and less tearful.

Then I reflected on how I still care about people during and after they have hurt me and how I feel like I am punishing myself by not hating them, having to acknowledge I still love people who hurt me, to the point of being in tears at the thought of their future eternal life, with such lies and lack of repentance. I am aware when I love people, I love them and although I know not to ever trust them again, or even have them in my life, I still love them. And that’s why this hurts so much and isn’t easy to get over.

I am also able to reflect on how these people are unable to do any better, as narcs aren’t able to face what they did wrong, which is why the excuse of ‘burn out’ was used. So apparently, his burn out makes all of what he did, okay. No matter how much I got hurt.

This, all being an absolute typical grieving cycle to go through, very healthy, very normal and needed and my counsellor also reminded me I have been through trauma and I need to grieve and that is okay.

My hurt is okay, my depression is okay, my anger is okay.

My counsellor also stated my immediate reaction to the report being one of relief that I have reduced the likelihood of him hurting anyone else to way he hurt me, shows to her my motives, being to stop further abuse.

She also stated my ability to love people even after they have abused and hurt me, is Godly love. God has blessed me with the ability to love people, even when they do wrong. Like Jesus did. He knew he would be betrayed by Judas, but He still loved him.

I have more compassion for people who have abused me, than they have for me.

Which I know says a lot about my spiritual progression, and also a lot about theirs.

So, I will grieve and I will continue to heal.

God will ensure that.

God knows my heart and why I am hurting.

And I am hurting and I know I need Jesus’ healing.

There’s only so much a person can take.

Author: Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

I am a survivor of complex and multiple trauma and abuse, who at the age of 40, began my healing journey. I am using my journey to recovery and healing, to help others, to help survivors feel less alone, validated, encouraged and to enable others to understand themselves more. Complex trauma, particularly from severe, prolonged childhood abuse, is profoundly life changing. Complex trauma produces complex adults. The journey to recovery is a painful, often lonely, emotional daily challenge and it is my aim to encourage others in their daily battle. ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

3 thoughts on “Still grieving…..and that’s okay and needed.

  1. This post was hard to read…I can relate so well. I’m just learning more about you and your story and I love you blog…so positively focused. You’ve helped me a lot with your words more than once. I thought that might be nice to know on a day like this. *hugs*

    I’m with you here. Just so you know.

    • I’m so sorry you have endured trauma and relate to my post, but I am thankful it helps you and anything else I write. It is helpful to know we are not alone in these trauma’s and other people understand how painful it is.

      Thank you for letting me know my blog has helped you, that does make me feel better, as helping others, is my passion.

      Thank you for letting me know you are here with me, I do really appreciate that and I am here for you too.