Not good when you start losing hope.

September 23, 2013 by Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD 3 Comments

I can pretend all I like that all the abuse I have been through in my life, was for a reason, for me to help others in the future etc, but I wonder if this is just me trying to make something good out of so much pain.

I am too real and honest to go along with ‘putting a positive spin on it’.

I can say repeatedly, as I do, that all this abuse has given me compassion and insight and whatever.

But, at the end of the day, I suffered badly, I didn’t deserve it and I will live with those memories for the rest of my life.

I know that I am willing myself to feel positive, to pull myself back up and not succeeding.

I know all the things I am supposed to be thinking, doing, believing.

My doctor today asked me if I was building relationships with people at the new Church and I kind of skirted around answering, because I know I am meant to be, but I’m not. I’m holding people at arms length, because I don’t want to get hurt anymore.

I know my counselling relationships will end at some point too, and the only two people who have ever understood me, will no longer be in my life and then I will be stuck, living in a society of people I don’t feel connected to.

The thought of my counselling relationships ending, panics me and this worries me.

It almost feels like I have gone through life knowing people think I am different and now I do have people who understand me and then they will be gone, and I will be back to just being me, in my little bubble, alone.

So much of my life has been about abuse, suffering, hurting deeply and bad endings for me. Losing people I care about, or need, grieving too much, about too much.

This just makes me feel that hopelessness coming close to the surface that I know I shouldn’t feel.

I know it’s depression and grieving and I’m so sick of them both.

And what’s the point of counselling when I know I will be told the things I already know.

What I do know is I’ve suffered enough and I just don’t believe it will end. I guess I just don’t believe I am worth it ending, because it’s being going on my entire life.

I truly believe I’ve suffered too much now. And there is only so much one person can take and I think I have gone over my limit.

But, I just put on a smile, say the right things that people want from me, and just keep going, I’m a mother and a wife and I have no other choice.