I’ve been vulnerable my entire life, from being a very young child, I’ve never felt safe.
I’ve had so many people abuse that vulnerability and having believed that was ‘in the past’, I assumed I was over that.
Until this year, when having allowed myself to be so vulnerable, someone I trusted, someone I should have been able to trust, I found out that yet again, this vulnerability was abused.
This situation has caused me so much harm and I don’t want to admit that, but it has. It has rocked me painfully to the core.
This kind of damage just doesn’t go away for me, it causes ongoing effects that no matter how hard I try to ignore, I know the damage is massive.
I trusted someone, with my vulnerability, my past, my fears, my tears. I trusted him to help me, to hug me, to care about me, like a brother – but all along his intentions were selfish, there was no care, no love, just a need to satisfy his own desires/needs and he trashed all the trust I put in him, he took everything I gave to him and stomped all over it.
And there is a part of me that hates myself for trusting anyone….haven’t I learned no-one can be trusted???
I was ‘supply’ again, as that’s what people are to narcissists, and is it painful to know how many people have abused my vulnerability, my need to feel safe, and hurt me, not care, lie and deny, have no remorse and then lie and manipulate many others to believing they did noting wrong.
This has happened to me so many times. I get hurt and they act like the victim, inciting others to disbelieve me. Typical narc traits and behaviours.
It’s cruel beyond words.
My parents did it. The psycho abuser did it. My ex-husband did it, and now someone I truly trusted – probably more than I had ever trusted a man, has done it.
I’ve had numerous people talk about my ‘courageous vulnerability’, my capacity to be so open and honest about myself and I do believe this is needed to heal and how so many people connect with me due to this, but it does feel unsafe sometimes and this openness and honesty gets used against me, which it has.
I am aware I am such a contradiction of courage, strength, honesty, yet vulnerability and fearful.
I don’t want to show my vulnerability to anyone again.
I know that association I now have with vulnerability meaning I get hurt, badly, has been worsened considerably by events within this last year.
The damage caused recently has harmed me more than I even want to admit to myself and has caused me now, to not want to connect with people in anything other than a superficial way.
I can’t be vulnerable with people in my life anymore.
Too much cumulative damage has been done.