Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

A journey to healing from complex trauma.

Feeling/being vulnerable and the association to this having been abused.

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I’ve been vulnerable my entire life, from being a very young child, I’ve never felt safe.

I’ve had so many people abuse that vulnerability and having believed that was ‘in the past’, I assumed I was over that.

Until this year, when having allowed myself to be so vulnerable, someone I trusted, someone I should have been able to trust, I found out that yet again, this vulnerability was abused.

This situation has caused me so much harm and I don’t want to admit that, but it has. It has rocked me painfully to the core.

This kind of damage just doesn’t go away for me, it causes ongoing effects that no matter how hard I try to ignore, I know the damage is massive.

I trusted someone, with my vulnerability, my past, my fears, my tears. I trusted him to help me, to hug me, to care about me, like a brother – but all along his intentions were selfish, there was no care, no love, just a need to satisfy his own desires/needs and he trashed all the trust I put in him, he took everything I gave to him and stomped all over it.

And there is a part of me that hates myself for trusting anyone….haven’t I learned no-one can be trusted???

I was ‘supply’ again, as that’s what people are to narcissists, and is it painful to know how many people have abused my vulnerability, my need to feel safe, and hurt me, not care, lie and deny, have no remorse and then lie and manipulate many others to believing they did noting wrong.

This has happened to me so many times. I get hurt and they act like the victim, inciting others to disbelieve me. Typical narc traits and behaviours.

It’s cruel beyond words.

My parents did it. The psycho abuser did it. My ex-husband did it, and now someone I truly trusted – probably more than I had ever trusted a man, has done it.

I’ve had numerous people talk about my ‘courageous vulnerability’, my capacity to be so open and honest about myself and I do believe this is needed to heal and how so many people connect with me due to this, but it does feel unsafe sometimes and this openness and honesty gets used against me, which it has.

I am aware I am such a contradiction of courage, strength, honesty, yet vulnerability and fearful.

I don’t want to show my vulnerability to anyone again.

I know that association I now have with vulnerability meaning I get hurt, badly, has been worsened considerably by events within this last year.

The damage caused recently has harmed me more than I even want to admit to myself and has caused me now, to not want to connect with people in anything other than a superficial way.

I can’t be vulnerable with people in my life anymore.

Too much cumulative damage has been done.

Author: Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

I am a survivor of complex and multiple trauma and abuse, who at the age of 40, began my healing journey. I am using my journey to recovery and healing, to help others, to help survivors feel less alone, validated, encouraged and to enable others to understand themselves more. Complex trauma, particularly from severe, prolonged childhood abuse, is profoundly life changing. Complex trauma produces complex adults. The journey to recovery is a painful, often lonely, emotional daily challenge and it is my aim to encourage others in their daily battle. ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

2 thoughts on “Feeling/being vulnerable and the association to this having been abused.

  1. I just found this blog post and I dont know what happened, but I am sorry for you that it happened. It’s okay to go back into your shell for healing. I am glad you do still share your story hear, because that does show strength! Take care!

  2. i hear you and I know that it is challenging to live superficially and yet this is what most people “expect” and yet there is no real connection in a superficial world…someone I trusted to truly care about me has claimed to have absolutely “No Time whatsoever” for over a year and a half…when I asked if she would be able to come to see my photos hanging in an Exhibit…it was the same”no time” story…I guess these”‘caring” people ought to be careful who they connect with because it is so terrible when they decide they no longer have 20 minutes in a year…then it is far too extreme…relationships? it is hard to be friends with those who are broken as much or more and it is hard to be friends with those who profess they have a normal and altogether life!!! It’s the I don’t fit story…Before the “Dark Night” I had a place of belonging and a sense of “normalcy” and I have tried to pretend ever since and yet it doesn’t work…
    what to say we are people who live in a “no man’s land”..