Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

A journey to healing from complex trauma.

Recovery from narcissistic abuse, is slow and painful.



Narcissists thrive only for themselves. They are completely self motivated, feel entitled to everything they want to do, have no compassion and no remorse. They lack empathy completely.

Narcissists and sociopaths, operate in similar ways.

They use you as prey.

They get close to you, build up your trust, mimic your emotions, take full advantage of your vulnerability and compassion, get you on your own, build a relationship where you begin to need them and depend on them.

They groom you and are highly clever at this.

They are emotional vampires, and narcissists are dangerous, abusive people.

Then once they are done with you, or you figure them out, or leave them, it all changes.

The narcissists worst nightmare is being exposed.

They will resist this at all costs, lie, deceive, deny and manipulate those around them, they will act outraged at what you are doing to ‘them’ and if all else fails, will manipulate those around them into believing they are the victim.

Not once in all of this, do they actually care about their ‘supply’.

All the fake emotions they have shown, all the words they used to ‘reel you in’, all the ‘I love you’s’ and ‘I care deeply about you’ and ‘I want to help you’s’ , were all fake, they didn’t mean a word of it.

Once exposed, you see their real motives and their real feelings about you.

Then, they are hot on the pursuit of ensuring no-one believes their ‘supply’ and will set out with the help of their supporters, to make you seem crazy, or a liar, or evil.

All along, they have no concept of the fact that they have ripped your heart out, stomped all over it and the pain you are left in.

They have no empathy for the hurt they caused, just a complete sense of entitlement, complete lack of insight, complete lack of courage to face what they have done.

And complete lack of love, care, compassion or empathy.

It takes a long time to recover from narcissistic abuse and it’s so hard for many victims to just watch them carry on enjoying their lives, whilst the victim grieves, is confused, is hurt and cannot understand how they can do this, after all they had said and done.

It’s so hard for victims to understand how they were not loved at all, just used and abused, chewed up and then spat back out of the devils mouth and left to deal with all the hurt and pain and deal with others who now believe a whole pack of lies too.

Recovery is slow and painful, especially when it is multiple narc/sociopath abusers and especially when the abuse is still raw.

Recovery includes grieving, twice.

1. Grieving the person you thought they were who you loved and believed loved you too, and then..
2. Grieving the real person they are, the narc, who never cared and used you as supply, with no remorse.

Matt 7:6 Do not give what is holy to dogs, and do not throw your pearls before swine, or they will trample them under their feet, and turn and tear you to pieces.

I will never forget this verse.

At the moment, I won’t be giving any of my pearls to anyone. My heart, my vulnerability, my past, my tears, my trust.

Author: Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

I am a survivor of complex and multiple trauma and abuse, who at the age of 40, began my healing journey. I am using my journey to recovery and healing, to help others, to help survivors feel less alone, validated, encouraged and to enable others to understand themselves more. Complex trauma, particularly from severe, prolonged childhood abuse, is profoundly life changing. Complex trauma produces complex adults. The journey to recovery is a painful, often lonely, emotional daily challenge and it is my aim to encourage others in their daily battle.

72 thoughts on “Recovery from narcissistic abuse, is slow and painful.

  1. I totally relate! It’s as if you just described my husband & my experience this past year to a T!

  2. On New Years Eve (2013) when my husband treated me as a piece of garbage in front of his friends, while we were on holiday in the mountains with no means of living from there and I had to apologize to him,I had a shock ( I saw his hate for me, i thought that he loved me) and I new that something was terrible wrong, but I blamed myself, I felt broken and I got into a depression, I just wanted to die, I couldn’t see a way out, how horrible I am that the only person left in my life hates me ( After being married for 5 and1/2 years with him, I got no more friends).
    I realized that my husband is a narcissist, only in March as I did a course about abuse and more as I researched about the disorder, all made sense, all the lies. The way to recovering, I think that was the hardest thing that I have done in my life. Is November, 2013 and I feel free, my sadness had disappeared, I love life again and I ‘ve learned a lot about myself, I came to terms with the abuse suffered in childhood and the fact that the narcissist did this to me and I praised him for that because I was still that child that couldn’t escape and believed that the adults are good and if I will be good that will treat me nice.
    From all the pieces, I build a stronger me and next step is my divorce, but I know that I will win officially ( in my mind I am already divorced).
    Good luck to all that are dealing with this devil in human form, there is light after this and you can do it.

    • Good for you. It inspires me. I left one after only a year together. Hating me and coming to the point of wanting to die made me realize he did not love me in any shape or form and it was all just lies to have me support his kids and his hidden cocaine habit. I am 5 months free. Found work and am still finding myself. I cut all contact with him and refused to allow him to continue to hurt me. Regaining trusting myself has been the hardest as I fell for him hook line and sinker. All fake on his part… Thank God for miracles of life after abuse !!

    • Good on you hun, this really inspires me too. I have suffered from narc abuse my whole life from my mother and multiple narc men and woman who have come in my life. I have attracted them all as a co-dependant. Now I am finally aware of this vicious pattern in my life and here I am picking up the pieces of my broken self. I am taking steps to heal, I have decided to leave my mother and live on my own which took a year and half of yelling and fighting to achieve, I am seperating myself completely and taking time to heal from all the trauma. I wish you the best of luck with your recovery, I hope we all get to see the light at the end of the tunnel.

    • I liked what you had to say, except the “in my mind, I am already divorced” part, because that’s what my ex-narc had said to his next target, long before we were divorced and during the time that he had given me and my pastor the impression that he was also doing individual counseling…neat ex use for someone incapable of looking at himself or.of.being accountable or keeping to his marriage vows…

    • Thank you, I am five months out of the relationship and am still in so much pain , but you give me hope…

  3. Reblogged this on Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD and commented:

    This is one of my most popular posts, so I will re- blog it again.

  4. Hah! Just googled my own tag line from my own blog, and landed here.

    Thank you so much for being yet another brave person to get the information out.

  5. Totally relate to this. I’ve been “recovering” for a year now. I’m proud of myself for taking back control of my life and for coming as far as I have. I left the home we built together with only my clothes. The rest of it- he could have, but he was no longer having me and that’s all that mattered.

    I’ve come a long way. Moved to a new town and have built a completely different life. I lost a lot a long the way, but it’s so trivial compared to what I gained- myself and my freedom. Although it’s been a year, I’m still on the same page as you. My heart, my vulnerability, my past, my tears, my trust-they’re all for me and no one else.

    Thanks for this post!! :)

    • How do you break away?? It’s a Living nightmare. He’s a control freak, manipulative, vindictive, completely mentally abusive and an alcoholic. But…..outside these walls everyone thinks he’s fun go lucky. He prides himself on being “truthful” and blunt but he distorts the truth of actual events and happenings. He’s already told me just last week if I EVER leave him again I’ve never seen crazy like I will(acting like he was “joking” but the look in his eyes said differently)…i replied if I did you’d never see me again. To which he said Id find you no matter what!

  6. I can totally relate to this!It took me 12 years to find the strength to leave.Its now been 2 years but he is still trying to control me.I got a DVO,Consent Orders drawn up for Access to 2 of the kids,oldest hates him and refuses to see him.Then I got CSA to collect the payts so I didn’t have to deal with him as constant threats to not pay if I went against his decisions.Now,any chance he can,he is still verbally abusing me and. Having a go at anything I do regarding the kids without consulting him.Last week,I have put my Autistic child on additional meds to help with the behaviours.He went mental,screaming and swearing that any decision has to be agreed by him,threatened to take me to Court cos I am not complying with the Court Order,suggested that I re-read them cos I am obviously too stupid! I could not get a word in until the end when I yelled ‘take me to f……..Court then’ and hung up!I looked up and realised 2 of my kids were standing there,oops!sorry,then we all laughed. :) If they hadn’t been there,I would have been very upset or angry all night and that’s what he wants,the reaction and then knowing how he has made me feel.I am now seeing a Counsellor to help me with strategies and noting it down each time he does this to eventually go back to Court and amend DVO and reduce or remove Access.The latest wasn’t about my child’s meds cos he doesn’t care,it was something else for him to use to control me again.I don’t think it’s sunk in yet that I had him removed so me and my kids could get away from the Domestic Abuse.In his head he still has every right to abuse me or the kids cos he always said he didn’t have anger issues,there was nothing wrong with him,it was me and the kids!Oh dear!

  7. Can you remove my surname please.

  8. Sandra, I have removed your surname. I am so sorry you have been through abuse from a narc and have children being affected by his abuse too. They are highly manipulative and highly abusive. You are very strong! <3

    • Thank you.I put my post up to hopefully try and warn others who are in a similiar situation to get out if they can for the sake of your sanity and for your kids.They don’t deserve to live in a situation where he goes into a total rage cos there is Lego on the floor etc I was making arrangements for my kids to get counselling,Carers for my Autistic son but forgot about me!The Counsellor made me realise that everything he has a go at me about is not about my sons meds or that I didn’t pack enough clothes it’s just that now he has lost the immediate control over me he will do everything possible to discredit me and regain some of the control! X

  9. Pingback: Recovery from narcissistic abuse, is slow and painful. | ~ListeningHeart Kim~

  10. i have just “escaped” a very violent, controlling, manipulating, lying, cheating monster. i have had four days being in a safe place but as more and more friends and family members find out about all the horrible, venomous, vile things he did to me over the years, many ask me “why did you stay” … well, i don’t know why i stayed – that’s what echoes over and over in my mind. i know that my body and spirit and heart will heal but as more time i sit alone with my thoughts and remember all the times i made excuses for the bruises or the lack of communication with friends/family (on and on as you can imagine – even a broken tail bone once from being thrown down so hard) – how can i get back into normal life calming the voices in my own head but handling the “whispers” and questions from everyone else? why would he lie to me? why did he tell me he loved me more than anything, that i was the most beautiful person in the world? why would he ask me to marry him (we dated and lived together for 3 years) and then hurt me? i even found out that when he told someone of the time he kicked me in the crotch (which lead to me not being able to walk for weeks) that he laughed!!! why would someone who says they love you so much hurt you so bad? we were only married for a few months and after our honeymoon (where he threatened me with a gun, locked me out of the hotel, called me a bitch in the middle of a store to name a few things) we get home and i very calmly say we need to talk about what happened. he didn’t know what i was referring to so i told him what he did and all he said was, “i was drunk” … no “i’m sorry, i’m an idiot, please forgive me” nothing … i took a deep breath and walked away. went outside to check the mail and there was a card with hearts all over from his ex girlfriend. i took it to him and said, “here’s a love letter to top our honeymoon”. after a few minutes, i asked if i may please read it – he said he flushed it down the toilet and that he wants a divorce! so not only did i suffer years and years of physical, emotional, verbal – cannot go anywhere, wear anything, talk to anyone abuse but i got the humiliation of him divorcing me …. he’s a liar, controller, abuser, cheater – he’s a monster. he broke my tail bone and didn’t even check on me for three days :(

    • Middlespace, They don’t make sense, try to not drive yourself crazy trying to make sense of it. I know how hard it is. I did 10 years with a narcissist/psychopath and left with my clothes, dog and $5. It has taken me 3 years to feel “normal” again. I don’t think anyone ever fully recovers, how can you when you slept with the devil?
      People don’t understand, we don’t understand why we stayed. The abuse is subtle at first, it is a slow insidious type of brainwashing, the same as what cult victims experience, or hostage victims, prisoners of war etc. There is a very clear set of steps taken when brainwashing someone, that occur over a long period of time. They know exactly when to give you a morsel of kindness to keep you hoping and trying. They use your own morality and loyalty, faithfulness, and guilt to manipulate you into believing if you do this or stop doing that, if you explain it in such a way he will understand that what he does hurts you. We live on hopes, prayers and promises and all we get back is lies, infidelity, and abuse.
      They are born with their brains wired differently than most people and it is a proven fact that they are incapable of feeling guilt, remorse, compassion or empathy. it is not even a choice, they do not feel it and they never will. Without guilt or empathy they are free to do whatever they want, take whatever they want when ever they want. We are disposable, when he is done with us or a new supply comes along he can toss us as easily as garbage because that is what we are to them. Why do they say they love us? Because they want something and the word love is a currency they use to get it.
      Your “friends” who don’t understand why you stayed are the reason why people have to speak out about domestic abuse; to dispel the myths and false judgments of society. You are not alone, there are many strong, attractive, intelligent women out there who have experienced the same things as you and they stayed because they loved the man they met, it was a facade but a well executed one. you had never been loved so completely, you could not believe your good fortune to meet such a wonderful man and then he changed over night and you have been trying to figure out what happened ever since. You were sure you could save the relationship if you could just figure out what went wrong. A few times you thought you had figured it out but nothing was ever good enough, not for long. But he kept you hopeful by giving you glimpses of the man you fell in love with every one in a while.
      Be prepared for him to do a curtain call. They often come back just when you think you are beginning to heal, just to see if they can suck you back in. They will cry real tears and admit to things you long ago gave up any hope of getting an apology for and they are so sorry and see everything they did wrong and you think he must mean it because why would he admit to things and apologize if he doesn’t mean it? He will do it just to see if he can and if you go back the abuse will be worse than ever before.
      Be patient with yourself, it takes a long time to get over narc abuse. Just know that it was not you, the new woman is no better and no different than you or the next woman or the woman before you. They love to triangulate women, get a couple fighting over them. The best thing you can do is stay no contact, don’t check his FB, change your phone number, don’t read any emails from him, tell friends you don’t want to hear what he is doing or saying. (Because he will be telling everyone that it is all your fault and you are a psycho bitch). Stay safe. There is light and life after the Narcissist………..I am shining it, can you see it?

      • Thankyou Carrie your well written article/words were my life raft this morning . Amazing insight and validation for me on so many levels. So so healing to read and take to heart. Nancy

      • Thank you for commenting. I’ve discovered it’s not me, it’s him!! He is a dangerous abuser and I’m not going crazy!
        Now I need to get away somehow. Your comment on the “curtain call” was a light bulb moment for me to get away or this cycle will never stop. Thank you again for your words.

    • I feel for all of us!
      I feel after my xn devalued and discarded me that I am nothing..was with him for three years. It was all a lie! The only thing that was real was the abuse and rejection! Ithink there Iis more than mental illness at play here. .something very dark and sinester.

  11. Thanks Carrie, I’m trying see the light. Sometimes it’s really hard.

  12. This describes a number of people I have had the misfortune to meet in my life. These sorts of repeated experiences can make you feel very low and feel like giving up on people and life. When you realise that people can be uncaring, selfish and out to do harm to others, it is very disheartening.

    Most recently, I met a man on a dating website who made me believe he loved me. He knew that I was vulnerable, due to having been abused as a child (physically, emotionally, sexually) and struggling with associated mental health issues. Nevertheless, he went ahead and callously played with my mind and my emotions. He broke down my barriers and won my trust, all with the sick ulterior motive of conning me out of a large sum of money, which he successfully did. I reported him to the police, but he has not been caught. He ran away with my money and did deep damage to my heart and mind. I leave him in God’s hands now.

    Thank you for sharing this. It helps. I realise that my parents were narcissists with sociopathic tendencies. My father is dead, but my mother lives on to continue to try to wreak havoc. I have gone no contact, but am still struggling to deal with the profound damage they have done to me.

  13. Pingback: Healing From Narcissist Abuse | Protective Mothers' Alliance International

  14. Reblogged this on Blog Of A Mad Black Woman and commented:
    I left my abusive husband, and believe me, he is trying his best to destroy me. He has told anyone who will listen, that I was the abusive one, not he and much more.

  15. I relate to a lot of what people here write. My ex has repeatedly tried to stop me from writing my blog, for example, telling me that I risk ruining his reputation if people know about what I write, and that it is more evil to write a blog about what he did to me than to do what he did to me (abuse, stealing, lying, discard, PTSD, economic ruin…), as PTSD and economy can be restored, but a reputation cannot be fixed. I find that so sick (and yes, he acknowledges that I write the truth about what he did, expect he says he is not a psychopath). He now says he will befriend psychopaths who live close to me, to make me never feel safe in my life again. It is sad and scary, and … well, psycho… but if we let these people get to us, we let them victimise us forever.

    Focus! Focus on what you want in life, what you need. Don’t focus on defending against his crazy words about you. Don’t focus on building a case against him. Don’t focus on understanding his ways. Don’t focus on what can happen if he is back. It is not worth it. Focus on what you want in your life and build it. Think through what your path is and trust your feelings to guide you on that path. Secure yourself as best you can, but don’t go into discussion with crazy.

    Gentle hug. <3

  16. Oh my goodness. Thank you so much for the reality check. You just described my mother to a tee. I have been trying very hard to heal from a very dark, abusive, nightmare of a childhood. My mother time and again, promises her undying love, and says time and again, “I will do anything” only to secretly be criticising me, resenting me, and finding things wrong with me and has my siblings believing it too. And she is in complete denial of the horror that I, and my siblings, went through, despite counsellors being shocked when they hear my story. It has taken so much strength to let go of this relationship, as she reels me in so often with her pretence of love and care, and the temptation that maybe this time it will be different, only to spit me out and completely abandon me in my times of need, or criticise and put me down and brag about how wonderful my siblings are. I have tried for a lifetime to keep up a good relationship, but it has been at great personal cost and it has been incredibly emotionally painful!! Now I do not pursue the relationship at all. The only contact I have is so that I can see my handicapped sister and because of my teenagers. And it is so much better this way. Any phone calls I have, I take good care of myself before and after the call!! Good luck to all in separating from narcissistic personalities. Love and care for yourself first.

    • I am so sorry you have also endured a narc mother <3
      It is horrible and painful to endure and takes considerable time to recover from.
      You have boundaries and self care, which is so important when you need to remain in contact with them.
      You are very strong and have much courage to accept the horror of the past and to know not to allow it to continue.
      Lots of self compassion and continuing self care.
      You are an inspiration!
      Much love <3

  17. Bless and thank you so much! Your article has helped me tremendously and given such clarity to what I knew was the case but couldn’t express it. Thank you for giving me more strength.
    I wish you love, care, connection and so much healing on your own journey.
    With much gratitude :)

  18. Thank you for posting this! I didn’t know this existed.

  19. The worst abuse because you’ll never be able to convince a narcissist that they are one! I’ve dealt with more than one and like it mentions-they don’t stop! You have to walk away and omit them from your life because they never change! 2 years of research as I wrote my book (Love Should Not Hurt:Letting Go of the Pain to Live in Freedom) proves this every time! They are destructive and manipulative people who will throw anyone they are supposed to love under a bus for their own selfish needs! This is a fantastic post!

  20. Thank you for your article! It touches my heart deeply because I have recently went through something similar 3 years ago before all this spells and spell casters madness on the INTERNET started which makes people to be confuse and scam them of their money. ALSO IF YOU DON’T BELIEVE IN MAGIC AND SPELLS, I THINK YOU ARE MISTAKEN, DON’T GET ME WRONG, I ONCE HAD MY DOUBTS, TOO.
    THIS IS MY STORY: I was married for 6years with 2 kids a boy and a girl and we lived happily until things started getting ugly and we had fights and arguments almost every time… it got worse at a point that My Wife filed for a divorce. I tried my best to make her change her mind & stay with me because I love her so much and I don’t want to loose her but everything just didn’t work out, she moved out of the house because it was a rented apartment and still went ahead to file for divorce… I pleaded and tried everything but still nothing worked. I was surfing the internet for solution on what to do when one Dr. Zigaga of islea shrine DUPED me of my hard earned money because I was so desperate to get my wife and children back, Dr. zigaga it will not be well with you were ever you are. The breakthrough came when Jason my best friend introduced me to this wonderful, great prophet named Prophet Abayotor who eventually helped me out. I have never been a fan of things like this but I just decided to try reluctantly because I was desperate and left with no choice, behold within a week after the regular prayers and proceeding, my parent call me on phone and said that I should come home immediately, when I did my wife was with them immediately she saw me she came to me and knelt down begging me to forgive her that she was so sorry for how she treated me. Immediately she opt out in filing for the divorce from there we moved into our new apartment together. As for Prophet he is real and cleared my doubts, me made me belief in thing I never believed in Prophet Abayotor you are the best I say Thank you, you can contact him here at ajamugashrine@gmail.com and tell him I introduced you to him.

    • really are you serious about this? please do not use my name

      • i too was in an abusive relationship and his lust for cheap woman just never ends. im out now but it hurts like hell
        if this man helped you i hope he can help me

  21. I am just “Completely Wiped Out.” My former significant other of 10 years is a “Vampire,” who sucked every bit of emotional life out of me. I am completely empty. A shell of a human being. It is an effort to function and only bit of emotional energy I can muster is for my children. Talking to people I have this facade that everything is good in my life and I feel great. But they wouldn’t really understand and I don’t bring it up. And yeah everyone thinks what an “Awesome” guy he was.
    Everything is SO TRUE in your article. I completely gave everything within me and then some to him…to THAT emotional abusive roller coaster relationship. At this point in my life, I don’t think i will ever be with anyone a again. I definitely have No Energy to give to anyone. I could go on and on, but I now know I am not alone…Good Luck to ALL <3

  22. I was with a man for 4 years on and off. He never laid a finger on me, but I never felt myself. I always felt like I was controlled, confused and commitment could never be mentioned. He told me lies, always said he was nice and if I asked about anything ‘it was always in my head’ or as he told my daughter ‘its ok your mother is off on one, don’t worry we will be back together and I am here if you need me. Everything was on this mans terms, he would borrow money and never give it back. He wanted affirmation of how great his work was and how well he was doing. I wasn’t allowed to his unless asked. Several times I was aware of him on dating sites, and texting and meeting other women. He would call on other women like he was lining up his next project if that makes sense. He is a steroid user and seems to hit depression in winter months and then binge drink for weeks on end, excessively so. Then he would constantly be texting and calling saying how he would kill himself if didn’t help, or he was going to fit because of withdrawal and needed me. On top of this he was like he was addicted to sex but couldn’t always have sex because of problems. I believed all this was in my head at first but after cutting contact and being away from him for 3 months the doubt is less, still unsure whether a narcissist?

  23. I need to stay strong, very hard though, I sometimes do think it is all in my head :( xx

    • Dont believe it. Abuse isnt just physical! My husband used to threaten to kill himself if I would think of leaving, then he started holding medown instead, then it turned into him threatening to geta gun on me. To top it off he completely trashes me to his community of enabenablers and makes himself look like the victim. Dont second guess yourself.

  24. This hits so close and deep to home! I was completely used and treated as a slave to his insecurities. Once I finally started facing it I was threatened w guns, completely lied and trashed to his community and continue to be manipulated. If I dont do as he thinks he is vindictive…withholding grocery money, etc.

  25. wow. i was in a marriage with a narcissist for 23 years and have been out for less than a year. Without faith in God and good friends I’d be hopelessly drowning in regret. I’m healing and beginning to enjoy my life. Finding out who I am after all these years.

  26. I feel deeply for anyone who has endured a narcissist/sociopath. They are highly manipulative, abusive people.

    Please know, I do understand, I was raised by them and have endured several.

    It is always my hope people understand they are not alone, the healing takes time and to know that is others around don’t believe you or understand how painful it is – please ignore them.

    Lots of self compassion and self care.

    Much love and healing wanted for all, Lilly <3 <3 <3

    • I keep trying to wrap my head around it, I just don’t get how a functional successful human being can treat another person so evil and I came from a dysfunctional family so I get metal illness, but the verbal abuse I suffered has just destored me litterly crippled me , how and when will I ever get over him? I pray non stop for my next chapter, it has to be better right?! Please say a prayer.. Thank you

  27. Reblogged this on orphanedheart and commented:
    Words for me today… sharing in case it rings true with anyone else today.

  28. how do you get away from them. What is wrong with my brain. It’s so hard for me to hurt hi like he had hurt me

    • I was one year and one month out til believed it could change… Trust me my faith in God and excersiceing my way thru the nightmare worked.. I promise it will get better..

  29. Reblogged this on Freedom to Be! and commented:
    We are bounded to our abusers with our love for them. It is so sad that we have to separate ourselves from the people that we love and care for the most!

  30. The hardest part for me is accepting that he actually did not love me deeply. I endured a tremendous amount of phySical violence including bRoken bones but it’s my bRoken heart that won’t heal. It will be 3 years this September that I left and I’m still recovering.

  31. I can truly relate because my ex is a narc and psychopath but i did not realize it of course right away. When we first met I was in a relationship where I was being treated like dirt and he played to my emotions telling me how beautiful I am that I do not deserve to be treated in such a way. We became really good friends. We met at work which I was dating someone already at work which I have learned from that as well NEVER DATE ANYBODY YOU WORK WITH. He went out of his way to get my phone number because I would not give him my phone number myself. We would talk 6 hours on the phone at times play video games together. I thought I found a really great friend. He wanted to start a relationship but I would not because he already had a girlfriend and i was just getting out of a terrible relationship. We remained friends and I thought wow I think i just may have met a really great man and he helped me through the healing process of the relationship I was getting out of. He kept saying how he wanted be with me and how he falling in love with me which at that time was music to my ears made me feel like wow somebody really does love me. On April 12, 2013 he drove two hours to where me and my family was to go to my daughter pageant which was the 13th and 14th but had to be there the night before. It was one of the best times I could have in life and great memories not just with him but with my daughter and family and my family loved him and he was so great with my daughter. Over that weekend he told me he was ready for a relationship he broke up with his girlfriend to be with me and me and him and my daughter could be the family i being dreaming of. It was all to real for me and I thought this was the angel God has sent to help bring back my joy and smile and find myself again. About two months later I found out he was actually married to this woman he said he broke up with. He was with me every day in work and outside of work he would leave for few hours to “go feed his dogs” which he did have two dogs but I know now it was to go see her but he was only gone for few hours and would be right back. Than one day while i was at work i got a voicemail and checked it and it was her calling me telling me leave her husband alone but he came to me and said she is not my wife i sent divorce papers to her at christmas time last year she just refusing to sign them and just causing trouble. Than i asked how did she get my number and he says i was there to get some of my things and i must dropped my phone because remember i told you i lost my old phone and she must took it and went through it. i was trying to give him the benefit of the doubt and believe him and than he came to my house where he had all his clothes and belongings and started to live with me and my daughter. Than after a few weeks he ups and leaves and i find out he went back to her and he never divorced her. Than I missed my period and the last time i missed one was when i was pregnant with my daughter in 2006 so I talked to him told him and than about a week later I had a miscarriage and it drew us back to close together so I thought I know looking back now he was playing on my emotions to get me back into his life and it worked. Lies on top of more lies but at that time i wanted to believe him because i thought he love me and my daughter and wanted a life with us. It was back to him being with us all the time doing things with us going out with us. Telling me he was done officially with her which was no where near the truth but looking back makes me wonder why she would even put up with it because she blames me for it all and none of it was his fault. Months go by and on May 6th, 2014 he got upset at work he was having trouble with the machine he was at he got quite angry and this is a side of him I have never seen from him in the two years i have known him. At break we go outside and smoke well he took off and he always waits and walks with me but this time he did not i went out and went to him to ask what was going on. He said to just leave him the fu** alone and he wish he could tell me what he really wanted to tell me which took me for a loop. I told him I am right here what is it you want tell me and than he came to me and grabbed my throat and strangled me i blacked out but after coming back to reality he had left bruises on my arm and his handprint on my neck he could have killed me in public in front of people and he did not even care. I called cops and a month later he was arrested and all he ended up serving was 28 days in jail of his 30 day sentence which this was his second offense of abuse because first was on his wife daughter and there would be more offenses but the wife or ex wife whatever she is dropped two domestic abuse charges. I did not talk to him up until October where he made a fake facebook profile and after a week of adding this person i knew it was him I really did not talk to him much until December. Than Jan 20 2015 he came back to Iowa and we got back together he asked for a second chance to show he has changed and we could be family we always dreamed of and talked about. Things were going quite well just like it was when we first started becoming friends. He got a full time job took care of me and my daughter helped pay bills clean house do laundry. He made sure I was taken care of and happy. My dad and I would take turns taking him to work because he did not have a car get back and forth so my dad went out of the kindness of his heart and bought him a used van 1500 and he said he would pay back. he was working 13 hour shifts 6 days a week he was getting stressed out and started to emotionally abuse me never physical but i think he knew better because he knew i would throw him in jail. It was like the last week he lived with me he was trying anything and everything to pick a fight and than turn the blame on me and he did nothing wrong. Than it got to the point where he blamed me for him strangling me and him going to jail because i did not have to fill out a victims report i did not have to call the cops he apologized and that should been good enough and that he would still have his job where I work if it was not for me. I was getting blamed for everything and he brought me to tears in which my daughter heard me crying in my bedroom and she ran and this man is 6 feet 1 inch tall weighing in at 250 pounds and my 8 year old daughter literally knocked him off his feet shoving him out of the way to get to me and was telling him to go away leave my mommy alone you are mean and need to just go away. The day before Easter of this year he up and left and went back to his ex wife who found me on facebook and messaged me how stupid i was and thanks for the van. This man stole from my dad, stole from me which is only cds, and my daughter favorite bike she got for christmas (3 wheel bike that spins out and does 360s) he refuses to send back so he stole from her too. Its been over a month now that he been gone and yes I am on emotional rollarcoaster because I allowed him to break me heart twice. Last year I was doing quite well by the time he made that fake facebook and messaged me and I fell into his trap again. I tried to reach out to this wife or ex wife who knows to try and show her what kind of man he is. He has cheated on her for 3 years straight and I am not the only woman there at least 5 i found out about after the fact. In the end he never divorced her which I feel so sick to my stomach for believing all these lies and now he stolen from my family. things i have found out how he abused this woman he went back to. He has broken bones on her body he has beat one of her daughters. He has put a knife up to her thrown her down. Why he beat her like that but only did what he did to me once and never again is it because she dont call the cops? Why would she want stay with someone like that. I was trying to reach out to her as a woman of being a victim of his abuse just like her and I wanted try to save her because he may end up killing her if she does not get out. Instead in return I got it was all my fault and her husband is perfect and he does nothing wrong. So many people think he is a great man and obviously the courts think that as well because he keeps getting away with abuse when he needs be locked up for long time away from woman. Last year I was trying to be that woman to put a stop to it because he almost killed me but he was able to get a plea deal to get only a sentence of 30 days and he had a restraining order on him and violated it 9 times and nobody did nothing about it accept oh we will go find him and talk to him to tell him he needs to leave him alone. What is a restraining order good for when the laws for it are not enforced. I even told the cops where he was when he violated it and nothing happened nothing. They said oh we will have it so where he at your number will be blocked nope they did not do that because he was calling me the next day. I feel once he done and get bored with this woman he went back to he be trying to come back again. All I want is for my father to be paid back and for my daughter to get her bike back but that will never happen he really not the nice guy he portrays to people that do not know the real him. He lies, cheats, manipulates and is not really a nice person at all only nice when he needs something and its people like him that make it hard to find real love because they do not love nobody but themselves. With him i experienced physical and emotional abuse but my opinion its the emotional abuse that is the worst.

  32. Reblogged this on Parrots, Prose, and Poetry and commented:
    Excellent article.

  33. Reblogged this on Living, Leaving and Thriving after a Narcissist Relationship. and commented:
    This is an Excellent Article on the recovery system and what has been done to you.

  34. Great Article and reblogged on https://kimullin76.wordpress.com/ Living, Leaving and Thriving after a Narcissist Relationship.

  35. This information has filled in alot of gaps for me, putting a word to what i experienced helps.. i await the death of the narcissist! … as the court did not seem to take the abuse into concideration when dealing with my childs contact with his narcissist father…. as in the eyes of the law its the childs right to equally love and have contact with both parents.. it took 4 years to go through court! THE COURT HAS NO POWER AGAINST THIS… i do not have strenghth to go through court again, i have to see and deal with him still as he now does it through our child through contact as i have managed to keep some bounderies in place… until he is dead… people need to be educated in this … i have never experienced anything like it and it has spoilt my life.. i have noway out.. so i seem to go around in circles with mixed feelings and i fear for my child as he is now in it too….
    No body understands why i feel the way i do.. no one understands … and the only way to deal with it is to completely ignore and show no reaction to the narcissist prick which is very difficult.. when the best thing that could happen for everyone is if he just died!

  36. Good for you for finally getting to the point that you can heal. Your openness is so helpful for all the people who are trying to find their way out Yes, no pearls before swine!

  37. Wow….had so much to say then backed space too many times and deleted. Was I supposed to oust him?

    Yes I was…just needed to be worded different. Did not known I married a Narcissists until my eyes were opened by God. I knew something and he was a little off, but did not know there was a word for it. I was married for nearly 20 years and I honestly cannot remember none of the years being good like they were suppose to be. Yes I stayed that long and honestly do not know why so long. I thought it was for love, but love was not supposed to feel and act that way. I stopped counting the times we had make up sex and he said that he would change. All of that was a temporary bandage to make me stay in hell longer. I have been through every emotional ride you could think of all be cause of a Narcissists Nutt. To add the icing to this wonderful cake. …he had the nerve to tell me God called him to be a Minister! Really!!!!!! You cannot be the man that you are supposed to be, you do not follow God’s word when it comes to being the head of the household and loving your wife like Jesus loved the church. The household was totally out of order. No structure nowhere and no leadership and working together. He thought that make up sex, being controlling and doing what he said, having a grown person tantrum was all it. After 18 years I finally had enough and he used everything he could to keep me there for the exception of killing me or having me killed. Tears, pretend heart attacks, saying he was going to commit suicide to telling me I would not take it by myself with 4 kids and I needed him. For the exception of my children whom I love and glad God blessed me with…my marriage was a joke and a total waste.

  38. Wow, I have been saying all of this about my ex… he’s controlling, manipulating (especially the kids), he lies, every thing you said. The only thing you missed is greedy. He’s incredibly selfish and greedy. I always wondered how I could be such a terrible person that he could be so “mean” to me. I used to say, “How can anyone treat another human being like this?” For at least the last year of our marriage, I woke up every day praying that I would die, and I truly believe now that is exactly what he wanted, so he would have everything (kids, house, etc.) and it would be clean. My faith is what kept me from taking my own life. He used to tell me that I should kiss the ground he walked on for all he did for me. I’m still trying to figure out what that was. I’m now so much better off financially and mentally. Thank you for posting, it validates my feelings. I’m almost three years out of his grasp, but still recovering. He still tries to destroy my life every chance he gets. I was actually married to him almost 28 years, with the abuse getting worse every year. I stayed too long for the sake of my kids. He told me if I left him, he’d make sure I’d never see them, and I couldn’t take the chance. So I filed three weeks after my youngest graduated from high school. He immediately became the helpless victim. I am so glad I saved my own life, and as I look back, I wish I had done it sooner. I would be less damaged. But I look back and I know I survived, and that I am strong. And I am so glad I made it. Life is good again.

  39. So very, very true. I read about the fact that there is no closure in an end to a relationship with a narcissist, when in fact, there is, if you put it where it belongs. In the case of multiple relationships with narcissists, as in my case, the first my mother, the second my 1st husband, and the third this last relationship lasting 4 years. It took 59 years of my life to figure this out, and evidently a lesson that taught me that yes, I was emotionally abused from the start of my life, and it took this last one to realize it, and finally take the steps to heal from the original pain I had carried with me for so long. I truly am healing from this, and it has been so painful that there were times I didn’t think I would make it at all. But I am slowly awakening from the fog, realizing my own truths, and understanding how important boundaries are, and if someone crosses those boundaries I have the right to speak up and defend my heart and soul. It is mine to care for, and I will. I wish no one any harm. I just don’t want or need people like this around me. I don’t care for the abuse and I can take myself out of those type of situations. I will care for myself first and foremost. After all, if I don’t, what good am I to myself or anyone else? I have human qualities and they are kind and compassionate. Not unremorseful or mean or abusive that the narcissist is. I wish for everyone to find that piece of mind. No walking on eggshells for anyone. Including myself. 💜

  40. I am so very relieved to read your article, thank you.. This depicts my life in its entirety for the past 4 years… We all thought poor Michael. He also suffers from depression. I kept being part of his life after working with him for 3 years he terminated my employment, I always kept in touch as I was living in his investment house which I paid rent. I had 3 children from a previous horrible divorce and he thrived on my vulnerability. A year later he fell sick in bed for 3 months, I went back to the business he gave me a partnership, applogised said he missed me, loved me , I gave my closest friend at that time a job, trained her, gave her the hours she needed and she told me I cannot see you whilst you are in this court case with Michael, our relationship ended. I turned the shambles of the business around as it was trading insolvent and a year later he called the police had me removed from the business and now throwing me and my children out of our home. Well, I am fighting back as I lent him my life savings & we had a business agreement, I am now into a year journey of court, please may the truth prevail. It sadness me greatly though as this is a mental disease, it is surely curable with drugs?. we have to realizes also that the person we met is the person they always want to be, however, they do not have the ability to fight it as they them selfs are too weak, they are tortured souls. We must forgive,move on a fast as we can as we are the strong ones, forgive and remember “we” the victims are the stronger race….

  41. Thank you this web site is so full of good information for me a survivor of 10 years with a narcissistic wife. When after 10 years of trying to break through the wall of her soul I told her we (my little daughters and I) were going to leave she took our home destroyed my friends many I had had for years before she knew me, slandered me to my own family and then when all we had left was an old bus to live in then tried to take that in settlement attack for money…

    I was suffering from cancer when she left she left with 50k of debts she had run up on my name and paid nothing … There is scorn worse than a narc you reject…

    I am in weekly counselling and therapy for PTSD and chronic depression and have had to check myself into a psych ward to keep myself safe from harm recently. I wil come through in time but it’s a long and painful road and as said by so many here the first steps are seeing what I am projecting in order to becone a target for their evil.

    Cut all verbal ties they will just tangle your brain as they have always done . Don’t let their gas lighting fool you any more if they suddenly act nice there’s an agenda


  42. Do you believe that a sociopath can ever learn to truly love, and eventually become a Christian?

    • I only believe anyone can change, when they have the willingness to look inside as to who they really are.
      Without self insight and honesty, change cannot occur.
      The issue is most sociopaths, narcissists etc…. do not want to face the truth about self. They are unwilling to be honest about self.

  43. The sociopath that has caused me so much pain, is my own Son. I love him, and could never oust him from my life. In addition, I love his children~my beautiful Grandchildren. I always have to ‘walk on eggs’ around him, in order to be allowed to see the children. His wife loves him deeply , and has no idea that he is not who she believes him to be. She is an heiress, so he will always be all that she wishes him to be.

  44. My son believes he’s a great guy, and will never see the need to question the things he does. If being kind and loving will pay off for him, in any way, he will become the greatest guy you’ve ever met. My daughter-in-law, and her parents absolutely adore him, but as he played her whole family, he somehow painted me in an unfavorable light. I understand his need to keep me away from them. He’s afraid that I would clue her parents in, and ruin his new life. I would never do that. He is now wealthy, well-loved and happy. I would not want to alter that.
    But, the pain. He was the sun in my sky and the reason that God first gave me life. To give birth to my perfect angel. Now, he has no further use for me, How do I absorb, and happily live with the realization, that my only Son seems to no longer love, need nor respect me. He’s given up the pretense that he sill does. He was diagnosed long ago, in grade school. But, I’ve never fully understood, until now.

  45. So much pain:(

  46. Reblogged this on Words for Women and commented:
    My Mother… and now to my dismay… my brother..who I protected fm her – all my life. He is doing this to his wife and kids..and Me over Moms estate – spent the whole thing- cause he knows I can’t fight. :(

  47. Recovery is brutal. The narcissist will blame you and will never accept responsibility for anything. It is 4 1/2 years and I stand proud and strong that I disconnected my heart and let my brain take over. The hardest thing ever….the only way is no contact. They are lethal and will strangle your soul. Walk away …never look back. If there are children involved YOU are responsible for them. They will be damaged and require professional help for a very long time. God help us to walk away.

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